Stuffed!

Well, it's over.  The Christmas hussel and bussel has passed.  2011 is gone and we welcomed in 2012.  In between, my daughter turned 11(we still have to hold an official celebration for her).  I vowed not to let the craziness get to me this year.  I was going to choose wisely and take it easy.  Hmmmm...easier said than done.  I almost called the whole thing off.  That has never, ever happened before.  Silly mama.

Looking back, I am not sure what we could have done differently.  Certain things, like shopping were not an option until later in the month when funds were more available.  Baking, in retrospect, could have been tossed for this year seeing we didn't have an oven.  I decorated less, detailed less and was into the overall spirit less. There is simply too much to do.  Too much to remember, too much to over-think.  The decorations went up at a slower pace which only set me into more of a panic since it seemed they would be up for less time as I tend to lose patience with them shortly after the new year.  So much expectation packed in to too little time.  A sure recipe for disappointment.

What I have learned is that we need to simplify things more, purge more.  More, more, more.  To make for less, less, less.  We are not wealthy, in terms of ca$h money, but we have more than we could ever need.  It's time to share and sell.  I have always had a 2 year rule for clothing.  If it hasn't seen the light of day in 2 years, it is gone.  I love the feeling after I have cleared my closet and watch those bags being hauled out the door.  I helped hubby clean out his closet the other day.  At first (before I entered the project), he had this pile which consisted of a couple of shirts and a pair of pants.  I looked in his closet and asked him if he thought he was done.  He said, "Yes?"  Forty-five minutes and six garbage bags (for donation) later, we were done.  "How does it feel?", I ask.  He replies, "Really good.  I did have too much."  When we were going through his things, he kept trying to keep pants that were a size too big stating that he would need them when he was 60.  He was dead serious.  I reminded him that every Christmas and birthday, people come to me asking what he needs and he usually has no answer.  I suggest that maybe they would like to buy him some clothes and he could rotate the others out from now on. 

It is amazing how quickly stuff accumulates.  For us, it was when we first moved over 8 years ago.  People were very generous and our house was furnished on no time.  You kinda hoard for a while until you find your style.  And then you realize how much crap you really have.  If you have kids, multiply that times ten for each child you have.  Unbelievable!

I am a firm believer in memories, not stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I see the value in things.  I will always do my best to find the person who recognizes it's value as well when I no longer have a place or need for it. I am sentimental about many things, but if my house starts to get cluttered, I understand that I am no longer honoring those items as they were meant to be.  It's time to find a new home for them.  What good is anything packed in a box in the basement or attic?  If you love it that much, you'll find a place to display it.  If not, make a mental note and find someone who will love it more.  I get more satisfaction from sharing than hoarding.

My Gram's memory is slipping away, has been for some time.  Yes, I have her piano and a few other things she wanted me to have.  But, what really makes me smile?  When I think of her clicking her tongue, humming and dancing to polka music (she isn't even Polish.  In fact, she is very proud of her Scottish heritage).  Or how she could whip something up in the kitchen at a moments notice.  The sound of her laughter.  Or how she smells so good.  What item could ever maintain Gram's scent?  Nothing.  But when I close my eyes, it's all there...in the sweet spot of my mind.  And with every beat of my heart.

I want memories, not stuff.  I want to make memories, not clean up stuff.  I want my kids to have good memories.  I can't make as many if I am so focused on all the stuff that needs to be cleaned up.  I am far too organized of a person to say that I will just let stuff go and not be bothered by it.  No, that won't work for me.  What will work is if there is less stuff to make a mess with.  If your plastic containers fall out of the cupboard when you open it, you have too many. Share the wealth.  Somewhere, out there, someone is wishing they had more.

So there we have it.  This years resolution (one of them) is to have less stuff.  I can't yell that the shop is a mess, if there is less in there to get messed up.  What I want is for my daughter (and sons) to see that their mama has talent in other areas they never knew.  I love to create things and paint.  I would love to work on little projects with them.  I want to let them explore their talents as well.  We only have one shot at this kid thing.  I want to make the most of the time I have with them like this.

In all honesty, this is a great gift to myself.  I need this to be the best I can be.  Somebody recently called me a perfectionist.  I really am not.  I am a hard worker.  Nothing/nobody is perfect, no matter how hard we work at it, someone will always find fault.  I have learned this the hard way, and will probably learn it a few times over again in my lifetime.  It's all good. 

Welcome, 2012!  Now, has anyone heard anything good about that Neat Desk Scanner thingy?  Lol.  More stuff!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This is supposed to be my time if the year.  I love Christmas.  I holds so much magic in many ways.  Even during some rough patches in life, Christmas seemed to make things stop, at least for a couple magical days.  That has a lot to do with my mother.

She decorated the house with great care.  Baked and decorated cookies and other treats for endless hours.  Christmas cards, gift buying, hiding and wrapping and menu planning for HUGE holiday meals for many.  She and my dad also would put together a meal and some gifts and deliver it to a needy family.  The world could be crashing down all around us and somehow, my mother managed to make most of December, wonderfully magical.  I love Christmas because of all she made it for us.  I have terribly great expectations for this season.

When I was on my own, I continued the traditions.  I even had a mini tree that plugged into the lighter in the car and lit up.  Christmas music was NOT to be played until after Thanksgiving.  That goes for any Christmas specials too.  I decorated and baked and cooked and was giddy with excitement at the thought of all the gifts I wanted to give.  It was no secret that I LOVED this holiday.

I bake with our kids, do crafts and decorate.  All the while trying to remind them what Christmas is really about.  And when I say bake, I mean my ass off!  I look for that same glimmer in their eye that I (used to) have.  I want all the magic for them. Like it was for me.

Lately, I feel like I am going through the motions.  By Monday, you won't be able to guess how I am really feeling.  The house will be decorated and most likely, there will be several batches of dough in the fridge waiting to be rolled, cut, baked and decorated with care.  It will all look...perfect.

Unfortunately, this time of year is magnifying all I try to deny each day.  Including how much I am unable to do on my own and how much things have changed.  How angry I am that I have to accept some of this.  And it certainly doesn't help when people comment on how the decorative cabinet on our front porch isn't yet decorated(I've just removed the fall decor from it).  I know they mean well.  They are used to me being on top of it all and have no idea what is actually happening here.  Which is fine, I don't want pity on my doorstep. And it also means I look like I am managing really well.  Can't have it both ways, I guess.

Truth is, I want to scream out how much MORE I want to do.  How I hate that I can't manage the attic stairs anymore.  How I HATE having to wait on someone to do something I used to be able to do just fine on my own.  I am panicking because, those cookies, need to be baked in the oven DOWNSTAIRS since our oven upstairs is broken (I know, we are lucky to have another) and that many trips up and down...not happening.  I am so afraid of not being able to pull it all off.  I know that things have to change, but, I don't want them too. Not this.

I keep telling myself that if my mother could pull it off, I can too.  The only problem and difference is that her obstacles weren't physical ones. I know that I have been demanding more of my body than I should lately because I am feeling it.  Christmas is here and there is so much to do and I am not sure how I am going to make this happen.  I am not sure if I will be able to deal with the comments that may come because I forget or let a detail go.  I feel like it will all be over and I will have missed it...all of it.  Because I can't find the balance.

While I am thankful that I am feeling "better" this year than last, there is a great amount of discouragement and frustration too.  Last year at this time I was physically hurting and had unbelievable exhaustion. And yet, I still managed to pull it all off. Including a Christmas party for the fireman and their families. This year, thanks to a diagnosis and ongoing treatment, the exhaustion has (mostly, I still struggle with it)lifted.  The problem is, now that I am not too tired to do things, my mind is racing with all that I want and have to do, but my body does not follow.  It hurts and limits.  I need to find a way to deal with this and would greatly welcome any suggestions.  On a daily basis, this is hard for me to accept.  However, at this time of the year, it is...I can't even describe how it feels.

To keep everything in perspective, I have a list that is full of blessings.  I can put my feet to the floor and walk.  I can still type and write. I can, I can , I can.  I try to make myself more than aware of all that could be.  I am not a soldier away in a foreign country, away from all I love.  I am getting treatment and it could be worse.  These and many others are things that I tell myself every day.  Every day.  Sometimes to the point of feeling so guilty for all I have, I could cry.  But it still stings.  I am still learning to accept. 

I don't know how to live in this place.  By nature, I am a nurturer, a pleaser. I feel like my ability to do these things, that I have either always done, or grown into doing are being taken from me.  Which means that I am limited in what I am able to give.  I am not OK with this. There is so much that I want and need to do.  I don't think it is unhealthy.  I think it is what comes naturally to me.  It is so frustrating.  And I know that my pride sometimes gets in the way of what I should do versus what I want to do.  I am afraid that if I let go a little, what will stop me from letting go all the way?  Who am I then?


I know that these struggles are not unique to only me.  I know that there are many Mom's and Dads that are trying to pull it all off as well. I know (all to well) the financial limitations and worries too.  I know that some parents won't even be able to celebrate with their children and/or families.  Heartbreaking.

I understand that this time of the year is a hard time for many reasons.  I am sure it has to do with the expectations and demands we place on our own.  We expect it to be like a dreamy, snow-filled scene in a movie with Christmas bells playing in the background. There is that commercial from Target where the woman closes the door after her guests from Thanksgiving dinner leave and turns to find that her whole house is beautifully decorated.  Jealous.  We expect that all the negatives in our lives will suddenly become positives.  We think that those people in our lives who have wronged us in some way are suddenly going to wake up and make up for it all.  If nothing else, we hope that it will be a pause in our daily lives.  We try to cram all this good into a few short days, maybe a week.

For some, that is the magic of Christmas.  And I can't say that they are wrong.  As humans, we need those toasty warm connections.  We need to be reminded of who we ought to be and how we should treat one another.  How wonderful it truly is to give, than to expect or demand. 

When I was young Christmas held so much for me.  Joy, hope, love, acceptance and happiness.  Anticipation.  And of course, there was Santa and presents.  And so much fun with cousins on Christmas Eve while waiting for Santa in our newest pajama's.  Those precious memories are so wonderful to hold.

I don't ever want my children to look back on any of their Christmas's (or any day for that matter) and have it marked by, "oh we couldn't do it that time because Mommy...".  I want the same warmth to wash over them when they hear a Christmas song or see the first lights of the season.  I want it to be so wonderful that they want it all for their children too.  I want all the magic for them.  Aside from my sisters, the Christmas Spirit was one of the greatest gifts my mom could have ever given me.  Thank you, Mom.

Now, Lord, help me to learn and give me all I need to get through this.  I don't want to lose the gift of Christmas.