266.4 Part 2

Wow.  266.4. Not only was that the title of my second blog post, but it was also my weight.  At the time.  Within a year, that number would rise to 278.  Thanks, in part, to steroids.  Talk about feeling like you are fighting a hopeless battle.  Actually, I recall just throwing my arms up, going to the store and buying the biggest pair of jeans I have ever bought in my life.  There could be a mental block here, but I think they were a 22W or a 24W.  Have I ever expressed my dislike for the "W" that follows these "WOMAN'S PLUS SIZE" sizes?  You know, like we really need to see a big fat "W" after the double digits.  I know, WIDE.  Perfect. Let me just tell you, the first time I can fit into anything under a size 16, I a going to leave on EVERY label; even the long sticker they put on one leg.  And then I will leave the house and parade my Non-W ass around town.  Yup.  In the words of my children, I sure as heck will!  In fact, I may swipe a couple stickers from other same-sized jeans so I can slap them all over.  One for each thigh, front AND back!  You betcha!

For a long time, I danced between 275 and 278.  Hoping with everything that I would NEVER see 280.  Exercise was out of the question.  First of all, I couldn't move.  Stiff achy joints combined with 278 make things difficult.  And honestly, I was, well, caught up in a catch 22 for a bit.  At that time, all I had control over was what I put in my mouth.  I knew and know that I am supposed to eat small, frequent snacks/meals (6 times per day).  First of all, I barely ate 2x per day.  I can hear the gasps of disbelief.  But it is true. Fat doesn't always mean over-eater.  I am also supposed to steer clear of carbs (I have PCOS).  And like every mother, I was busy.  And completely overwhelmed and fighting transitions we were encountering as I struggled, along with several doctors to figure out what on earth was happening to me.

The dust is starting to settle and I am beginning to find some sort of normal.  I am starting to settle to, I guess.  Not a depressing settle.  Maybe that is the wrong expression.  Especially for me.  I have never settled.  Could the right word, possibly, be...accept?  Adapt?  I don't know.  But life is different now and we are all rolling with it as best as we can.  What has settled over me/our home is a sense of calm. We are more in control of our time than ever before. And I find that we are terribly protective of it. It's kind of nice.

The meds I hate to take so much, have helped in more ways than one.  I have to eat with them, or I have a VERY angry belly.  So, I do.  I am half way to my 6x per day.  I saw a nutritionist and we made a plan.  In October.  It is now December.  It is a great plan.  However, I have yet to implement that great plan.  Considering what November was like for us in this house, I won't beat myself up over it.

But guess what?  That eating, just 3 times each day...did something.  Because, the other day, at the doctor;s office...I weighed in at 250!  How come there are no CAPS for 250?  Steroids and all.  I weigh less than that original 266.4 that inspired this blog.

I cannot wait to go to the docs one day, soon, step on that scale again and have them NOT have to move that weight block thingy past 200.  They are always kind and start it out at 150...and I always laugh and thank them for the vote of confidence, even though I am sure it is part of their training to do so ;0)

For one week, I am going to once again attempt to make a small change.  I am going to increase my water intake.  I know...I've said it before.  But it's one week.  I CAN DO THIS!  I just proved to myself that small changes can make for a BIG difference.  266.4.  250 :0)

Tic-Tok...

So clearly this blog has not gone in the direction it was originally intended to. I offer no apology for this because it has been a release for so many issues. I know that I am not alone in this and that most likely, those issues, they contribute in some way to my current shape (ha-ha). There is something freeing about putting down, in writing, what is going on. To look back and read my previous posts, is actually pretty empowering, for me. I see where I have been and how strong I am. Somehow, in writing, I am very clearly able to express what is in my heart and head. I don't care who reads it. There are no lies. If you don't like it, you should examine why. Shame can come in many forms. Just like hurt. I usually get angry before I realize that what I truly am is, well hurt.

I had no intention of releasing some of what I have. But, this blog, had been named, "Putting it ALL Out There". As with any injury, a Band-Aid will work, temporarily, but if you don't examine how it happened, you risk the injury again. That's where I was stuck. This issue with weight, we all know is not about the number on the scale or the image in the mirror. It is about the person, carrying all that extra poundage. There is no blame. Nobody sat there and shoved the food in. I did this. I know that. Granted, I do have a few factors contributing. I understand, however, that had I made myself a priority sooner, maybe things would not have gotten so out of hand. That is all on me. I know that I have a tendency to put too much ahead of myself. We all do that. Especially women. We look to our left, right, in front of, and behind to see if we are measuring up to some ridiculous standard. Although, women are incredibly smart, if were were smarter, we would look closer and see that nobody is really getting it all done. We all have areas of failure. It is how we accept those areas. What I mean is that I would sit there and beat myself up relentlessly about all that I wasn't able to get done. Now I know that nobody gets it all done. It is how you choose to deal with that. I am learning.

For all the craziness that has been my life, I turned out alright. I am amazingly blessed with some beautiful people in my life. They are my brass rings. I am sure that I have said this before, I'll say it again. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. A very smart friend of mine added something that makes that statement even better. She said, "We may never know or understand the reason for it, but there is a reason." . That made it all the better for me. Because as much as I believed that there is a reason for everything, the "why" always bothered me. In my situation, I have always thought that my purpose was to end a cycle and to prepare me for, give me the emotion to, raise my children. One in particular. I know I was right. Because it was actually said to me that he may not have fared as well in the environment that was my childhood. I know that is true. I also believe that it is what you make of the situation, once you are freed from it. That's is where I have been for a long time now. It hasn't been easy, because I find it easy for me to empathize on an unhealthy level. Sometimes, an all consuming level. There needs to be a distance so that I can remain objective and guide or care as needed. That takes time to learn. It is a painful lesson.

Healing. I think that is path I have been on over the past year. First with the recognition that I am neither truly happy or healthy in this state and that I needed to do something about it. Secondly with the truth that I was putting myself, for the most part, in that unhealthy state. Ultimately, I am responsible for me.

At a crazy chance the other day, I was sitting and folding laundry. I picked up the remote and started to flick through the channels. Since we don't have cable, this was a short experience. I saw Oprah. Didn't think she was on anymore...however, there she was (a REASON, perhaps?). It was a "Look at me! I lost XXX pounds!" episode. Blah blah blah blah blah. I sighed. Really? Now? I need this like another pair of sock to match! I was just about to change the channel when one of the women were asked by Oprah what the change was. The woman's reply, "I realized my life was running me and I wasn't running my life.". AHA! There it was! I was clutching an unfolded item and just sat there while her words ran through my head, over and over and over. That is exactly how I feel!

I want to run my life. I want to flip it around. The best I can describe this is as is labor. Sorry, but it is perfect. When you are having a contraction, the game, the rule is to stay on top of it, stay ahead of it...don't let it get above your level of control. Otherwise...you will loose control and the pain is overwhelming and exhausting. You become drained and unable to focus for the next one. And there WILL be a next one! I know this...I was good at this! Trust me, between child labor, gall bladder disease, rupturing cysts and kidney spasms...I am damn good at this! This is what I need! Now, how do I apply this to life?

Right now, to keep you updated, I am still not in a most healthy state. Currently, I am taking steroids. It was a shot in the dark to see what would happen if we tried. OMG! I feel/felt AMAZING! I could move. I was a REAL mom. The stairs weren't a painful obstacle and the cane at my bedside was beginning to collect dust. I could stand from a sitting position, without pain and I could open and close my hands. However, that was for 5 days. On day 7 (there was no wean down) I hit the wall. My body started to cease up and I felt awful. My lungs felt as though they were being squeezed. I have been put on to wean down again until I can get into the Rheumatologist (not until 10/01, they are working on getting me in sooner). I can feel the clock ticking and my body is already reacting to the weaning process. I am not a medicine person. This is one of two drugs that have ever scared me to be without. I understand the risks of steroid treatment and that scares me too. BUT...the feeling of only slight discomfort...and the look of my ankles...I HAVE ankles again! They are cute in their non-swollen state! Not only did the meds take care of the joint pain, but I haven't had ANY kidney issues and there was another issue that was cleared up as well...had that one since a teenager (stomach issues)! Again though, I wish I could express to you the fear I have of the pain returning. It is very stressful. There is so much I want to do. Tic. Tok.

I guess the point of this somewhat random topic blog is to let you all know that I have not forgotten and I have not given up, still. This journey has been more of a process than I bargained for. I am alright with that. Except for this nearly 9 month illness track I can't find my way off of. Again, a reason for everything, right? I hope that the reason for all this is that, in my journey, I can help someone else too. If it counts for anything, I have had a great loss in the time since I started this. Nothing measurable on a scale. Hugely immeasurable lessons in life.

Next lesson: Learning to run my life....

Misconceptions

Good beautiful sunny Saturday morning! What a week this has been. Last week, I would have never imagined I'd be doing this, blog thing. But here I am. Post # 3. I am not certain how often I will post. I am also uncertain about how often I will post my weight. I am thinking once a week. I do however suffer from a bit of OCD and will most likely weigh myself every day once I get rolling. Get rolling is what I intend to work on and solidify this weekend and coming week.

What I think I'd like to address today is the perception that overweight people are lazy and sit around for the most part eating. To those ill informed I say this, follow me around for a day. I am quite positive you will change your mind. We do not all frequent fast food chains, eat whole bags of chips or cookies in a sitting. We do not eat perfectly either. You'd be surprised to find out how often I actually eat, most days (once) and surprised once more when you see how quickly and with how little I find myself full. We are guilty of neglect, to our bodies and our spirits. We fail to nourish our bodies in the way they were meant to be nourished. And often, we give so much of ourselves without thinking twice about when the last time it was that we actually stopped to take care of ourselves.

In my case, I am a wife, mommy, sister, granddaughter, friend and child care provider and so much more. I volunteer my time at our local fire hall as VP for the Ladies Auxiliary. My house is constantly full and the door opens and closes many times in a day. I do not have much time, at all, for myself. I love my life. I love what I have made of it. I am just not sure that I love what has become of me.

Me. I am fun, loving, loyal and caring, sometimes, too caring. I want everyone to be happy and will bend over backwards to ensure that they are. I am determined. If I want it to happen or get done, I will make it happen. I am creative. I am passionate and emotional. I am proud to be emotional. It means that I feel. There is nothing wrong with that . It means that I am human. And until recently, I could never say, "no".

That is just part of who I am. I also have many struggles. I believe that we are never handed more than we can handle. Somebody thinks I am very strong! When things get tough, I try to think that there is someone out there dealing with much worse and I pray for them. While I am proud, at times of what I have overcome and the person I am, I struggle with the question of why. Not why me, just why. I will never understand. But I can stand, strong and determined. I will not be bitter. Life is too short and glorious for bitterness. I try to forgive but my head and heart can't forget. My struggle now will be convincing myself that I AM worth the effort, my effort. Maybe there are others who didn't or don't think so. Too bad. Because there MANY others that do. For that, I am truly blessed. And in that I will find success.

Fortunately, I have already started paving my path to success. As I said above, I have learned to say no. Now, I never said I don't feel guilty, but I am willing to bet that the guilt I carry over things like that weighs quite a bit! I'll have to shed that real quick! Saying no is a small step, but it is a start. Next I will have to really work on carving out time for some exercise.

About a month ago, I got some great advise from a amazing athlete. She told me to be sure to get at least 2 fruits and 2 veggies in each day (or maybe it was 3?). I was able to follow that for a couple weeks, and then...everybody in my house got sick and I fell off the wagon! But I think it made a huge difference. So I am going to start implementing that again. I am also going to up my daily water intake.

So, saying no without guilt, drinking more water, getting my fruits and veggies in and at least 10 minutes per day of cardio. And yoga! I LOVE yoga. I think those will be my goals for the week. What are yours????

266.4

Yep. That's me. Pre-coffee & post first morning pee. I woke up, went into the bathroom, dragged out the scale, dusted it off (yes, I had to DUST IT OFF!), took a deep breath and stepped on. 266.4. This is what I weigh. No more denial, no more eluding to friends that I weight quite a bit. It's out there. I will not have to stand there when I run into someone and wonder if they are trying to figure out exactly how fat I am. I told you, no more secrets. This is my biggest one. Recently while in the hospital, you know they ask you your weight, right there, in the open. I made my husband leave the room. Several times. You know, because asking a fat person once isn't humiliating enough. I get it. 266.4. It's "out there" and I've just taken away it's power.

Now, if you are reading this and find yourself disgusted, I don't care. Especially if you are a SBWA (Skinny Bitch With Attitude). I don't have time for you. Don't get me wrong, I do not look at smaller sized people with dislike, unless, of course, you are a SBWA. You see, I feel sorry for you. Because to make myself understand how you could be so, well, cruel, I tell myself that you have bad feet or some serious hoochie issues irritating you so badly that you forget you are human too. I'm just sayin'.

I do, however, have time for my wonderful, beautiful and amazing friends. After reading my very first blog post, several of you responded with such supportive and understanding words. As I opened my email, each message, left tears. AWK, yours came first, and I had to walk away after the first few words. And each one after had the same effect. Some of you, I have known for years, others are newly formed friendships. I am awesome at choosing friends! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how you have touched my heart and soul. I also want to thank my husband, for suggesting I do such a thing! Although I don't think he figured on my starting with this topic. But he has long thought this would be perfect for me. Miss Mishelle, a heartfelt thanks to you as well for planting the seed and being so helpful. Yes, lets do this together :)

This is perfect for me. I love to help people. I know that I can help so many in this way. Even if just reading my thoughts gives them the feeling that they are not alone. Just as some feelings have great power when expressed, other feelings prove to be very powerful when not expressed. Disgust. Hold that one in for a bit and you are sure to break down, disrespect and self destruct. I hope to motivate and inspire. I also hope to find support and motivation for myself when I need it. I know this will be tough. BUT I'M TOUGHER!!! Grrrrr!!!!!!!!

266.4. That's me....

The Epiphany

I can't believe I am doing this (blogging). But I have to because the other day I experienced an epiphany. While at the shoe store the other day, I saw this girl helping her toddler son try on a pair of shoes. She was big. She was me. It was a mirror across from where I stood. Inside, I was mortified. Who is that? What happened? More importantly, how could I let that happen?

Now I could go on with a list of explanations, excuses, medical issues, etc. But, in the end, it's (I can't believe, I am going to say this) a loss. A loss of control. Control. Something I pride myself on. Or should I say burden myself with. What a joke.

So, in the car on this beautiful sunny day, my head started to spin. Thinking about what this FAT really means to me. About the perception that overweight people are hiding something in all that jiggles. I am not hiding, I am lost. So lost that I no longer recognize this person in the mirror. Why? Because I stopped looking, stopped acknowledging what was happening. However, because you don't look, doesn't mean you don't feel. I know what it feels like to walk in a room and wonder where you can sit most comfortably, not to mention wondering if you'll break the chair. Just trying to figure out what to wear (although, I realize this is tough for most women) can be so stressful. Pictures? Ha! There is no hiding from a camera. Fat is fat. It hurts. I love this warm spring weather, but the thought of having to wear short sleeves, shorts, etc. gives me anxiety. Real anxiety.

Putting it out there. That's what I am doing, what I will continue to do. I am going to find health in the truth. For as long as I can remember, secrets are what ruled my life. Nothing good can come in the silence of the secrets I have held. A month ago I wrote a letter. It was to a friend who was struggling. When I say this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, please understand, it is NOT an expression, I mean it. I had to write, on paper, things that I experienced as a child, teen and adult. It was raw for me. IT WAS ON PAPER!!! Never to be taken back. It was out there. But, I had to do it. It was for the safety of a child. "It" was only a portion of my experiences and "it" shook me. And then it empowered me. It forced me to take a look at all the good I had accomplished despite my story.

A long time ago, I decided that I was not going to let what happened to me define me. I was not going to be labeled and was not willing to label myself. So quiet, I kept. What I didn't realize is that it did define me. In wonderful ways. In conquering ways. I am strong. I acknowledge what I have overcome, what I have faced and still face today. I will not give these acts strength in talking about them. I will give myself strength in knowing I overcame them.

Just as writing that letter set me free in some ways, I hope to let my blog on this new journey do the same. I intend to put all my struggles with this weight battle out there. In hopes of lending support as well as finding it. I know I am not alone. These feelings I have, of being overweight can't be kept a secret any longer. Because, in the end these fat secrets I've been keeping, could kill me. THIS is something I CAN control. This body is a gift, that gave birth to 3 beautiful gifts. How can I disrespect it any longer? Wish me luck!