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Saturday, January 19, 2013


Dear Emily, Ethan & Alec,

I am told that I am very talented when it comes to expressing myself in words.  I sure hope so.  Because I want this to be something you someday come across and be able to read it and feel so very deeply each and every heartfelt expressed word.

I love you. To the moon and back.  Infinity.  With everything I am and have ever hoped to be. I hope you are never able to fully comprehend my love for each one of you.  Because there is something so magical and great about endless.  Infinity.  When I imagine the universe and the fact that it is...endless, I am in awe.  That is how I want you to feel about my love for you.  I love you...But wait! There's more...But wait!  There's more... Love! More than you can ever comprehend.

Like every parent, I take you for granted.  I don't always take the time to listen, look and talk to you as much as I would like. And every night I go to bed with regret.  Regret that another day has passed and I didn't _______.  But let's be real. There are three of you :0)   I am one mama.  It is, in part, because of these regrets that I have always been terrified of you growing up, older and someday, out.

These days and those behind us are what I live for.  You need me.  You love me unconditionally.  I am  your hero and for the most part can do no wrong.  I don't believe I have disappointed you (at least not greatly), yet. And if you have disappointed me, it's been a G-rated one that we overcame with a simple kiss and "I love you". You are tiny, sweet and full of the innocence God intended you to have.  Each day you learn something new and are genuinely delighted and/or inspired by it.  I can snuggle with you and each one of you still allow me to kiss and hug you in front of the bus every day.  In fact, you want me too.  You giggle like the beautiful children you are.  Thank you.  I love the sound of your laughter.  And so much more.  Your growing up...scares me.  And if I had one wish, it would be that we could all stay here, in this moment, forever.  At least, that was my wish.  Until yesterday.

Terrible things happen all around us all the time.  For the most part, most of us are blissfully unaware.  However, in the past month, the world was aware when 20 small children were taken, tragically, too soon and left holes in the hearts of many.  Yesterday, I heard of another hole left. I can't imagine.  I can't stop looking at you, Alec, and wonder(they were all about your age. Six.)...  I try to shake it off. I can't help but wonder what these parents and family must be feeling.  Gone.  Just like that.  And yet, the world around moves forward.  The minutes turn into hours, days, weeks, etc. For many, they are stuck in that one moment.  That moment where, just before everything was OK. And then it wasn't.  These parents will never get tomorrow with their babies.  They are blessed with the memories of the days lived out and have to be content with the time they had.  Tomorrow, for them, will be different from now on.  I bet they would give anything to live with the pain I have inflicted on myself.  The pain of watching you all grow.  The blessing.

My gift to you, in honor of all those little ones, is to watch you grow. And enjoy every single second.   Without wishing you could just stay this little forever.  Because some are not fortunate enough to have tomorrow and are forever 12, 10 and 6 in the hearts and minds of loved ones.  Because the pain of imagining you never going onto middle school, high school and so on as a result of some unknown tragedy is unimaginable.  And because I love you so much.

Nobody can ever predict what the future holds.  And while I have always loved you to the best of my ability, I do feel I am showing you a bit of "infinity" by getting over my fear of you someday not needing me, first.  Grow babies.  In twelve years, I have laughed, smiled and loved harder than I have in my entire (almost 40 years of) life.  You have allowed me to grow as a person more that I could have ever imagined and blessed me with gifts I struggle to believe I deserve.

Grow.  Show me what you've got.  Learn.  Live.  Love.  Be loved.  And know, that nothing has ever brought me more joy than watching you grow.  I have a feeling the best is yet to come.

I love you.  Infinity X Infinity.  Forever.

Have the bestest day, ever.



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