There is a plus side to all this. I am pretty handy and there isn't much that I can't do or won't try. Surprisingly, I am still hungry to learn how to do something...and willing to do it myself. My body...notsomuch. God did, however, bless me with some fantastic children. Children who are just as hungry as I am to learn. If not more. And I am finding that I am really enjoying the looks on their faces when they tackle a new task. To be fair and honest, just as much as I was overjoyed to see the smile of approval on my dad's face as he watched me from the dining room window as I dance in the driveway to the music blaring from my car...out of the stereo I had just successfully installed...all on my own (I was 19-ish), I know that he was smiling because I was. I totally get that.
More and more, I have to rely on my children for things I am not sure I would have prior to my body failing me. I am talking beyond normal daily chores and tasks (those...apparently are mundane because their rooms are never clean). They all want to help. Ethan can guide me while I back up the car to attach a trailer. Today, he also showed me that he knows how to properly connect the trailer, attach the chains, lock it up and plug in the lights. He pushes me aside and tells me not to lift or bend, "It's OK mama, I got it." In such a kind and respectful voice too. As if he knows how hard it is for me to let go, accept that I can't do it all anymore and even worse, watch how independent my babies have become. Emily seems to be several steps ahead of me with certain things. She has mastered the pool and filter operations. She knows how to get the auto vac working. And she does it to the best of her ability. She does it right and is careful not to break things. She also asks lots of questions and I have to be careful to make sure I am showing her the things her brothers are learning as well. She should learn, just as I have. Alec is also very inquisitive and eager to help. Today, he learned how to check the oil in the lawn tractor. I am just so impressed with all of them.
My job, is to make sure that my children are children. To respect them. Not because I ask too much of them, but because they want to do so much...for me/us. I don't have to worry about pushing them to hard and not rewarding them enough. I have to make sure they allow themselves the rewards. Life is so much about balance. I have never mastered this. Through my children, I have learned so much. Together, we will find balance.
My biggest fear used to be that I would not be a good mother. I am not a good mother, I am a great mama. I am smiling at myself. I did it. Albeit, not alone. This time, I am dancing with my babies. I don't need anybody smiling down at me. I know what I had to overcome to get here. Nothing tops this accomplishment. I am so blessed.