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Monday, March 21, 2011

Getting There...

It has been a while since I have felt like writing.  Mostly because I have been so busy.  That's right, busy.  I have been up and down a ladder.  Sanding, painting.  Cleaning.  It has been amazing.  At the end of the day, I am a bit sore and my fingers aren't ready to type.  But I was up and down a freaking ladder!  AND THEN!  I was getting ready to go out...I had the energy to get cleaned up, changed and walk out the door. I wanted to. I didn't get angry because I felt I had to and there would be no understanding if I didn't.  Granted, I don't have the stamina I used to, but man...I am out there!

There was a point where I came out in my old paint clothes and my husband smiled a great smile.  He said it was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.  I was coming back to him.  I had motivation and a body healthy enough, strong enough to back those ambitions.  I was also sporting quite the smile.  Because I was feeling fantastic!  Not near my best, but far from my worst.  For the first time in over a year, I felt more like me. 

What has been hard for some to understand is that so much of what I did, had to do prior to this was, to say the least, painful and exhausting.  It is not normal to drag yourself to the bathroom.  No joke.  To lay down for hours because the thought of moving was too much, too exhausting, too painful and ultimately, too depressing.  Trust me, if I could have willed myself better, I would have.  I am a hard girl to keep down. Never doubt that.

I am sure that there will be days like this in my future.  I almost revisited this state this past weekend.  I couldn't remember if I had taken one of my weekly medications.  Since I wasn't sure, I was advised to wait until the next dose.  I wasn't worried since this particular medication takes MONTHS to build up in your system and take effect. only takes days after your missed dose to start to break down.  I noticed I was slowing down, then hurting, then napping.  I missed the dose.  No question.  I will NEVER do that again!  What a quick reminder of how lucky I have been to be feeling this good lately.  And to know that the meds are working.  That's beautiful.  I am also thankful for the bi-weekly shots.  It's really not so bad.  Although, I guess I look like a deer caught in headlights after I push that button.  It's ten seconds.  It is totally worth it.

Life is good.  I feel good.  Not perfect, but good.  And if I never get any better than I am now, I will be alright with that.  That really says so much. You have no idea.  The best I can do to explain what I used to feel's like having the flu.  Every freaking day!

So, bring on the meds! Bring on the shots!  Infuse me!  I don't care.  I am getting my life back and it feels wonderful.  What perfect timing.  It's spring.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


I am sick with disgust.  There are so many things happening around me lately that just make me want to fight.  And I mean fight!  Hit, punch, kick the crap out of someone kind of fight.  Scream and yell until they get the freaking message. And in the next moment, I am reduced to tears.  I am angry.  Angry with select individuals.  Angry with God.  Because I just don't understand.  Because I don't want to be in this place,  again.

I try, so hard to tell myself all the right things.  Everything happens for a reason...blah, blah, blah.  I am best suited to deal with it...sure.  WTF!  I don't get it and I don't know how to deal with it.  I don't know what the hell I am supposed to do any more. I don't know what to say.  All I know is that I just want it all to go away.  Now.  But I can't turn my back.  It is not in me.  I am so sick of the worry and pain, hurt and tears.  But I can't wont walk away.  I suck at this blind faith thing.  I have to keep going.

There is senseless hurt.  Adults who should know better, act better and don't.  Other's who turn their heads because they don't want to get involved.  Seriously?  I am sorry.  I thought that children needed adults, to look after and protect them.  There are laws in place that do better protecting stupid adults who should know better than the children who have no option for any better.  It is sick!