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Thursday, March 28, 2013

In Sickness and in Health...

I wish I was sitting here writing about how great I am doing with my 3 minutes a day of activity.  You have no idea how much I wish that were the case.  I am still putting in the effort, but if I said it made me feel great, I would be flat. out. lying.

I feel like crap.  Period.  Eating is an issue.  Walking is an issue.  Sitting here is an issue.  Blood work comes back and they want to prescribe something else.  They find out I have not been taking one of my meds because it makes me feel even worse.  "How long have you not been taking it"  I tell them a couple months.  It is metformin. It's more preventative (because of steroids and because I have  PCOS) and even my levels were still acceptable.  I tell them that I have not been taking it because I am already having GI issues and that med can make it worse. "We need to see you about this."

Truth is, I am so sick of being "seen".  Every time I go, there is something else.  I am tired of it.  I am tired of drugs and poking and tests.  I am tired of explaining.  There are 3 more specialists I am supposed to consult with.  I don't want to.  For what?  More tests?  More wrongs.  More meds.  More false hope?

I just want to go to the store and run errands that most people complain about without slowing to a crawl 10 minutes into the trip.  I want to not dread the snow melting because seeing all the outside clean-up that I can't really do right now, is depressing.  I want to plan parties and be completely consumed with every detail to perfection.  I want to walk in our woods and keep up with my children.  I want to easily run up and down the stairs like I used to. I don't want to be dependant on anyone.  I never was before. Damn it.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

Today would not be a good day to complain to me about anything stupid.  Anything that can be changed by a single or even multiple actions.  Because it can be changed.  This sucks.  I have been compliant and patient and as positive as I can be.  Today is a rough day.  I will never even tell my husband how I am feeling because he has been so amazing, supportive, loving and wonderful.  I hate that this is the wife he has.

My last job, I had a wonderful boss.  His name was Tom.  He was a wonderful man and husband. Tom's wife had RA (how ironic).  She was just as wonderful.  In many ways I never realized until the past couple of years, he was the kind of husband as Jim is to me.  Patient, doting, kind, loyal & loving.  Tom would speak to me often of his wife's illness.  I didn't connect all of this until about a year or so ago.  I had the privilege of seeing the other side of RA.  It wasn't that he complained, but he was frustrated with every setback, illness, treatment, hospitalization and even need.  Ann eventually became very dependent on Tom and he accepted that.  However, he would reveal sometimes that, even though he knew she could do nothing about it, it was hard on him.  He was not at all resentful.  He was perfectly wonderful.  But it was a difficult life.  At the time, I had no idea, but it was a window in to my future.  Even though I know Jim will walk through this with me without a single complaint, it is not what I wanted for him.  For us.  I know the vows.  I don't care,  He deserves better.  I love him so much and am so thankful for all the things he does to make our lives the best they can be and better.  I don't want it to be this hard.

And it is hard.  I could sit here and write about exactly what is so hard, but honestly, my hands don't have the strength to make it through. I am dead serious.  Just know that I have to work very hard to get some of the most mundane tasks completed. Try to count every joint in your body.  75% of mine are angry today.  Oh, and lets not forget the brain sending false messages to my nerves telling me I hurt...for no reason.  So count your muscles too.  And then there are the latest issues (GI & female).  Put all that together.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  Don't judge.  This sucks.

The things I want seem so simple. And trust me, I am always more than aware that my issues are a drop in the bucket compared to many. But today is hard.  Today I am having a bit of a pity party.  But honestly, at some point, wouldn't anybody?  I will still smile and make sure any trace of tears are long gone before my beautiful babies come through that door. I have no choice other than to suck it up.  I had the blessing to see what the other side or RA looks like and the tole it can take on a loved one.  Chin up.


  1. Go check out: I would recommend you go with the either their incurables program, or the 30 day detox program. Compared to what you've had to go through so far, this would be a cakewalk for you. So many people have had massive improvements in their ailments that regular (western) medicine just couldn't improve upon, since Western medicine does NOT focus on the cause of disease, only the effects (symptoms), and fails to take into account the benefits of proper nutrition (they pay it lip service, but that's it), and removing of unhealthy things from the diet and the body. Good luck, stay strong!

    1. I agree with you when it comes to the need to focus on the cause. For the most part, my docs are pretty respectful about my desire to research and hold off when it comes to different treatments. I have researched other detox programs before. Proper nutrition is definitely key and I am happy to say that all docs are on board with what we are doing. One thing I have learned is that is terribly important to take an active and informative role in healthcare, in every way. Thank you so much for your advise. You have given me some more thing to look in to.

  2. I'm so sorry to hear things are so tough right now. It's okay to have those pity party days here and there -- sometimes just getting it all out there can help you breathe again and muster up the strength for the next day. I hope you're able to get some relief soon. Praying this for you: "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

    1. Dana, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. Today was a much better day. I am so thankful for people like you who take the time to reach out and offer support, especially when it is so badly needed. Thanks for making this day that much better!! Happy Easter to you and yours~