In Sickness and in Health...

I wish I was sitting here writing about how great I am doing with my 3 minutes a day of activity.  You have no idea how much I wish that were the case.  I am still putting in the effort, but if I said it made me feel great, I would be flat. out. lying.

I feel like crap.  Period.  Eating is an issue.  Walking is an issue.  Sitting here is an issue.  Blood work comes back and they want to prescribe something else.  They find out I have not been taking one of my meds because it makes me feel even worse.  "How long have you not been taking it"  I tell them a couple months.  It is metformin. It's more preventative (because of steroids and because I have  PCOS) and even my levels were still acceptable.  I tell them that I have not been taking it because I am already having GI issues and that med can make it worse. "We need to see you about this."

Truth is, I am so sick of being "seen".  Every time I go, there is something else.  I am tired of it.  I am tired of drugs and poking and tests.  I am tired of explaining.  There are 3 more specialists I am supposed to consult with.  I don't want to.  For what?  More tests?  More wrongs.  More meds.  More false hope?

I just want to go to the store and run errands that most people complain about without slowing to a crawl 10 minutes into the trip.  I want to not dread the snow melting because seeing all the outside clean-up that I can't really do right now, is depressing.  I want to plan parties and be completely consumed with every detail to perfection.  I want to walk in our woods and keep up with my children.  I want to easily run up and down the stairs like I used to. I don't want to be dependant on anyone.  I never was before. Damn it.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

Today would not be a good day to complain to me about anything stupid.  Anything that can be changed by a single or even multiple actions.  Because it can be changed.  This sucks.  I have been compliant and patient and as positive as I can be.  Today is a rough day.  I will never even tell my husband how I am feeling because he has been so amazing, supportive, loving and wonderful.  I hate that this is the wife he has.

My last job, I had a wonderful boss.  His name was Tom.  He was a wonderful man and husband. Tom's wife had RA (how ironic).  She was just as wonderful.  In many ways I never realized until the past couple of years, he was the kind of husband as Jim is to me.  Patient, doting, kind, loyal & loving.  Tom would speak to me often of his wife's illness.  I didn't connect all of this until about a year or so ago.  I had the privilege of seeing the other side of RA.  It wasn't that he complained, but he was frustrated with every setback, illness, treatment, hospitalization and even need.  Ann eventually became very dependent on Tom and he accepted that.  However, he would reveal sometimes that, even though he knew she could do nothing about it, it was hard on him.  He was not at all resentful.  He was perfectly wonderful.  But it was a difficult life.  At the time, I had no idea, but it was a window in to my future.  Even though I know Jim will walk through this with me without a single complaint, it is not what I wanted for him.  For us.  I know the vows.  I don't care,  He deserves better.  I love him so much and am so thankful for all the things he does to make our lives the best they can be and better.  I don't want it to be this hard.

And it is hard.  I could sit here and write about exactly what is so hard, but honestly, my hands don't have the strength to make it through. I am dead serious.  Just know that I have to work very hard to get some of the most mundane tasks completed. Try to count every joint in your body.  75% of mine are angry today.  Oh, and lets not forget the brain sending false messages to my nerves telling me I hurt...for no reason.  So count your muscles too.  And then there are the latest issues (GI & female).  Put all that together.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  Don't judge.  This sucks.

The things I want seem so simple. And trust me, I am always more than aware that my issues are a drop in the bucket compared to many. But today is hard.  Today I am having a bit of a pity party.  But honestly, at some point, wouldn't anybody?  I will still smile and make sure any trace of tears are long gone before my beautiful babies come through that door. I have no choice other than to suck it up.  I had the blessing to see what the other side or RA looks like and the tole it can take on a loved one.  Chin up.