I am a thinker. That is what I do. Obsess, examine and ponder all angles. I worry, but I wouldn't say I panic. It (panic) happens and when the panic is exposed, know that I have been chewing on it for a while.
I am also a project girl. Many a wall has been painted with me in deep thought...you really wish my walls could talk! It was not unusual for my husband to come home to a new color somewhere or a piece of furniture converted for another use. The only thing better than my being able to create something wonderful and new, is love from my children. Being able to work on something and think has an unbelievable calming effect on me.
And this is where I realize what has been happening to me. It was a rough week. I was really disappointed how I let it get to me. Granted, there were some pretty scary moments, but I really let it get to me. I was an impatient, anxious ball of nerves. I couldn't project. I don't have the energy or strength to pull off painting a room or refinish a piece of furniture. It seriously isn't an option. I need to work with my hands. Reading doesn't help...can't concentrate and I get frustrated having to reread the same sentence over and over again. My hands are achy and aren't working. I'm stuck. I hate to sit and that seems to be what I have to do lately. SO THERE IT IS! I miss my projects, my therapy! I'll never forget ,once,when a friend was visiting earlier in the day and later returned to find I had painted the living room. "What's going on?" She knew before I did. This is how I handle stress. In my own way, I was able to create and (almost) finish another project this week. It mostly happened sitting at the computer and with the hubby making runs for me. Not the norm here. But it was a distraction.
SO what was so stressful? The week started with anticipation of a doctor's appointment with good news, followed the next day with scary news, followed by a day of waiting. The next was news of denial of the help I was hoping for, then the awesome news that my brain was AOK. The dog ran off, then was hit by a car while I watched and by some freaking miracle, she escaped without a scratch or speck of dirt!! I struggled with some uneasy feelings from the past and decided to speak out. I got the news that I was gonna get that help...those meds that promise to make me start feeling better. Saturday morning ended with a comment made by someone that just made me crumble later. I had disappointed someone. In the huge scope of things, it really is a tiny thing (I, in my recent absent mindedness forgot to RSVP and was rudely reprimanded, in front of others), but it was too much for me in that moment.
Then, just before my shower tonight, I received an email from a friend that got me thinking about this week and I suddenly saw it all differently. I am not failing, I can handle things. It is just different for me now. I have to learn to navigate around it better and find a different outlet when I am not able to ponder life as I normally would. I am in an adjustment period. This will be temporary. It has to be.
I unexpectedly revealed one of my most heartbreaking secrets to someone and was comforted in ways I would have never imagined I could be. It was a leap of faith on my part speaking up about something so important to me and so unbearably raw, at times. There were words of acceptance, understanding and love that touched me so deeply. I am so grateful. And so proud to know someone such as this.
I watched in complete horror as our family pet was struck by a vehicle with my children right on my heels. It is this crazy slow-motion blur in my mind. They run past me on the front porch to Daisy and then they turn just before they get to her and look back at me. The dog is laying in the road (I thought) and I thought to myself, "How am I going to get them through this? How can I ever fix this?". And then I hear Ethan shout, "Mommy! Look!" Daisy was up and running! And she appeared perfectly fine. After all the chaos, I now look back and can see how perfectly orchestrated everything was. Neighbors falling in where they needed to be, family answering the call for help. My sister, where she needed to be when I needed her to be there. The Damn Beagle (TDB) is perfect! I remind the kids, "pray and be thankful when you are in church today." They say they don't think they should pray for the person(s) who hit Daisy and drove off. I tell them, "No, you pray especially for them."
It was a GREAT week! It was a week to put things in perspective. It was a week to flourish and be thankful. For health. For happiness. For friends and family. For lessons learned. For a start to really heal in body, mind and soul. It was a great week.
If just ONE of these stressful events had turned out differently, it could have been a terrible week. Blessed is a complete understatement.