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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Important Enough

I woke this morning with some uneasy feelings and, for once, was able to quickly recognize where they were coming from.  I could feel myself starting to unravel and knew I had to pull it together.  It was 7:00 am and the house would soon be awake and our door would soon start opening for me to welcome our usual morning guests. Don't start [crying].  I called my husband at work to admit to him this morning, what I refused to admit yesterday, because it was his birthday.  I am scared.  I needed to admit it out loud then regroup.

Here is where I will continue to pull myself together.  Though I am not sure this will be posted, it is incredibly therapeutic for me to write it out.  I have said this before, writing is a wonderful release.  It is the best I know how to effectively sort out my mind, my heart, my emotions.  There is little to no (as you can tell) editing.   What flows from my (very tired and achy) fingertips to the keyboard is what you see.  All Rachel.

I have never thought that I was important enough.  I always thought it would be selfish to think so.  Who am I?  The word certainly won't crumble if I were unable to grace it with my presence. Right?  I've seen people who think they are the end-all.  Not a fan of those types.  Not at all.  Until I opened my eyes this morning and all my worries came flooding back.  I listened to the tiny little breaths being taken by my sleeping baby boy laying beside me.  I am important!  I am.  Your world may not crumble, but I understood in that moment, that my children's would.  That can't happen.  Not as long as I have anything to do with it.

Tests, tests, tests.  Wait, wait, wait.  Actually, this has been going on for a looooonnngggg time now.  We are getting close to the two year mark.  Mistakes, misunderstandings, overlooks, band-aids, more tests, more waiting.  For the most part, I have been mostly patient.  Don't overreact, don't panic, don't worry.  There are others who are in worse shape.  If there is something, they'll find it.  Relax.  These are the things I tell myself everyday.  Until yesterday, this all worked.

There were some questions about some scans I had done and additional scans were ordered.  Not unusual.  It was the way they were reordered that had me slightly concerned.  I just kept reminding myself that if it was serious, they wouldn't wait.  When I pushed, they revealed that they suspected an aneurysm (brain).  Honestly, I think everything will be alright.  I am hopeful that yesterday's scan proves this.  Again, I know that if it were at all too serious, they would be on it.  I also know that if their suspicions are confirmed, it's not the end of the world.

When I returned home from the test, I was talking on the phone to a girlfriend and across the TV screen (on a channel I normally do no watch at this time, was left on from the previous watcher) flashed the words ANEURYSM.  It was the Doctor Oz show (oddly enough, I am sitting here writing this and I kid you not, there is a repeat on of this exact same show on an entirely different channel that I don't have on at this time either!!!).  I got off the phone to watch.  I am very careful about information that I collect.  I want to understand, not panic.  In fact, I need to understand it.  I need information.  I was happy to watch even though it seemed scary.  It confirmed to me what the options are after discovery.  I was calmed by this.  Thought it was a little strange that this was the topic and the channel that was left on.  I thought I was fine with it all.  After all, they let me go home, right?

So, this morning, for whatever reason, every fear hit me.  What if?  I mean, this wasn't some random test.  I was sent because I complained of ringing in the ears and the doc only discovered my severe headaches because he asked me if I ever had any.  I was focused on the other reasons I was sent to see a neurologist (trembling, etc.).  And then, he wanted to see more.  Crap.

That's the moment I heard Alec sleeping soundly beside me.  I thought about Emily and Ethan.  I thought about how life would be for them.  And then, I realized that I mattered.  I am important in their lives.  It all hit me at once.  What an amazing and terrifying feeling.

There is no fantastic conclusion to this post.  I am still waiting for an answer which I was told could come today.  When that call comes, I will have my list of questions.  Previously, I would have taken as little as time possible with them knowing that they were very busy and not wanting to be a pain and take up too much of their time.  I deserve those few extra moments.  I am important too.

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