The Not So Pretty Picture

I hesitate to write this because I know how it is going to sound.  Pitiful. I also feel that I need to put it out there knowing that I am not the first person to feel this way. 

Yesterday there was a function we were to go to.  I knew well in advance what I would be wearing and had accepted that it would have to be good enough.  Shopping is not an option right now.  It is just too depressing.  My whole body has bloated to a most uncomfortable size.  I now weigh in at 276.  I grab a size 24 off the rack now and refuse to try it on.  I know it fits and most likely, I could go down a size, but I don't want to be bothered.  I have never been this large.  Ever.

My hair even cooperated.  Seems increasing the folic acid by 3x the original prescribed dose has brought my old hair back, almost.  The curls were present and they just fell into place.  Overall, getting ready was not too stressful.  I had accepted that I was fat and would dress it to the best of my ability.  My face (Prednoface) is round and full as a result of the steroids, but still managed to put a smile on it and accept it. Wearing my wedding ring isn't a possibility with my sausage fingers, so I wore some obnoxious bling instead.  I took a final look in the mirror and thought, "Not bad."  I felt pretty.  Even better, I was comfortable.

Off we went.  I was in a room with great friends and people and I wasn't a bit self-conscience.  I was surrounded with people who accepted me no matter what.  It's a fantastic feeling.  I felt so good that I decided that when we returned home, there should be a picture.  With the kids.  AND ME!  When you are fat, the camera is not your friend.  But I was feeling pretty.

Wrong decision.  Several flashes and smiles later, I look at the results.  Wow.  I no longer felt pretty.  I barely even recognize myself.  I kept looking at the pictures and tried to compare them with what I had seen in the mirror earlier.  Was I blind?  Fooling myself?  Oh.  My.  God.  What have I done?  Shame.  Shame.  Shame.  My poor children.  My poor husband.

Generally, I am not one to give up.  I honestly don't know if I can see a way out of this.  This past week has been a down week.  The warm weather really took a toll on my body.  Meds have been changed and while I didn't think I would feel any differently, I do.  Last week I had decided that I would walk up the driveway and up the road only as far as I could, pushing a couple more steps each day.  Come Tuesday, when I stood, the floor at my feet seemed to be a great resting spot for my body.  And the fear set in that I was in for a repeat of last summer.  Something is going on, again, and it's back to finding out what.  At least there is a base knowledge at this point.  Last year, they had nothing.

I know about the one day at a time thing.  I feel I am too overwhelmed right now.  I have so much weight to loose and we all know that if you can't move, you can't lose...at least not as productively as I need to keep motivated.  I am so discouraged and feel so ugly.

Most likely, if you were to run into me, you would never even know how much I am disliking myself these days.  I never want to be that person.  But it is there, all inside.  I know it is for many.  Maybe not for the same reasons, but it is there.  I know that I will get over this.  My hope is that it is with some new insight and more fight.  Right now, I just don't know.

I do know that the answer is to NOT sit here and wallow in misery.  I know that I have to address these feelings and then release them.  I know that I need a plan...I always need a plan!  I know that this is part of my problem.  I seem to be caught in this loop and I am afraid I wont find my way out.  I wish someone could just point me in the right direction and give me a smack in the a$$  to start me on my way.  I need a cheerleader, a director.  When I have rough weeks or days (physical, not emotional), it can really throw me for a loop.  Getting back up on that horse is becoming quite exhausting.  Maybe if I just run along side, I can lose some weight!  Could that be the answer? 

Just so we are clear...do not think that I lay here and give in to anything.  I haven't and I wont.  But I have to admit that this is terribly hard.  If you are reading this and picturing me sitting here depressed and eating ice cream, you are sorely mistaken( I don't even like ice cream!).  I am admitting my pain, my heartache, my struggles because I feel that it is important to do so.  And if you know me, really know me, you know that I am not taking this sitting down.  I get a little lost.  My lost means not making myself a priority.  That is where I am at now.  I don't have all the answers, but I am not about to sit here and wait for them to fall into my lap...especially because you won't find me sitting still often enough!  I just want to feel pretty again.  Like I did yesterday.  Before the pictures...