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Monday, May 2, 2011

20 Minutes

Yesterday I sat down and wrote.  It was a 20 minute expression that poured from my heart and mind through my fingertips.  I wanted to share another experience I had in hopes that I would be able to touch someone else and pull them further from that isolating world.  That lonely, hurtful place where so many go when they are not happy with who they are or where they are in life.  The whole reason I started this.  To be honest about what being fat, overweight, obese, large, chubby, etc really feels like.  To expose the ugly truth and strip the power from the numbers on the scale and clothing tags.  Put it out there.  I did this with out a single tear.  Because I thought I was doing this for someone else. Even though it was about me, I had removed myself for those 20 minutes while I wrote.  Convinced that someone out there would and could relate.

And then many of you responded.  Quickly.  I am so proud.  To know you all.  To be able to call you my friends.  I never expected...  I had convinced myself that it wasn't about me.  I know that sounds crazy.  I had to walk away.  But that didn't stop the tears.  I am not sure what touched me more, the words, lyrics or the idea that so many were there with their arms wide open, ready to embrace or cradle another they believed was falling.  I admit, I also felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  I never intended that post to initiate such a response.  But I also understand, after reading and re-reading it and connecting to it and the feelings that inspired the words, your responses.  I am so touched.

I am also alright.  I really am.  It is so important to me to keep honest about all these feelings and truths about where I am at.  There is a frustration because, right now, I am somewhat limited as to what I can accomplish.  That doesn't mean there is nothing that I can do and I have to keep that in mind.  That may be the new plan.  Moving(as much as I would like) is not an option, for now, but I have to eat.  That I can fix.

I also get frustrated because I never want this to be a place for me to complain.  I want to be honest about what is happening.  Finding the balance between informing, sharing and complaining can be difficult.  Which is why there is very little activity at times.  I would much rather be informative and supportive and I need to be in the right place to offer such.  By the time I sit to write, I have usually found peace with where I am at.  I am able to collect myself and share it.  I truly am alright...I promise.

I cannot end this without commenting on the current events.  Last nights announcement from President Obama that Usama Bin Laden has been killed left me with some conflicting feelings.  This was an awful human.  Period.  I am not one who is comfortable in deciding who deserves life and who does not.  In my heart, I believe this man got what he deserved.  Done.  Over.  No trial needed.  He had his time on this earth and used it for evil.  He inspired hate and only in his death, do I get satisfaction of experiencing and burying all that he inspired.  I waste no more time on him.  I know that many souls are at rest today. 

You are all amazing...

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