Time for a Change

I think it is time for me to regroup, rethink and really commit.  I have been so focused and frustrated about what I cannot do.  I've told myself that if I can't proceed on this journey the way I originally intended to, I can't succeed.  That is just not true.  Granted, I am going to have to understand and accept that things are going to move much slower than I'd like.  I am having a hard time seeing what the problem is with moving forward regardless.  One step at a time.  Step one...Time to really start eating right.

I tackle things with very little fear.  I know that there has to be a way and I am usually very determined to find out how.  I don't give up.  Short of toilet/dirty water plumbing issues, I can, for the most part get it done.  Get it fixed.  Make it right.  Don't tell me I can't!  I will do my best to prove you wrong if I have to. And I am not afraid to ask for help.  I said help.  Don't do it for me.  That's not how I roll.

So why is it so hard for me to work on, well, me?  Where is my passion and determination when it comes to my well-being, my true happiness?  Many of us do this.  Mom's do this.  Yes Girls do this.  People Pleasers...you know who I am talking about.  Generally, the people out there making everyone else happy and comfortable.  Sometimes they are the ones who wear the biggest smiles.  You would never, ever guess...how incredibly unhappy they really are.  Also sometimes completely resentful.  And rightfully so.  Because, as much as there are people out there who appreciate all you do, there are many out there who know you'll do all you can do and more.  They are the ones to watch out for.  I have to say, after the past couple of years, I have done a fantastic job of identifying these types and weeding them out as much as I can.  Even without them, life is demanding.  Some things you can count on and there are many that you cannot.

Really, when I think about the roadblocks I put in my own way, I don't understand why.  Right now, the thought of putting together a new menu plan for myself and my family seems daunting. Planning it, shopping for, etc.  I'm all for it, until I have to do it.  Why?  If the lawn mower broke, I'd dig in and fix it.  What's that you say?  That outlet is not working?  I'm on it.  So why can't I apply this enthusiastic, accomplish anything attitude towards myself?  I honestly don't know why.  I've wondered if it is because the reward does not come quick enough.  Which could make this all the harder for me as I am not (currently) in a position to be very active for weight loss purposes.  All my reward will have to come slowly and from eating properly and frequently.  It is scary for me to think how quickly or slowly the scale will reflect the changes I am trying to commit to and how I will be motivated one way or the other.

I want to be healthier, I want to be happier and I completely understand that taking the weight off will benefit me in many ways.  It won't make the RA go away, but it will make it easier to deal with.  And it is scary, sometimes most times, to feel how hard my heart is working.  How it palpitates.  I am 37 years old.  Thirty-seven!  I don't want to see 40, or 40 to see me in this state.

I have made commitments here before.  Not nearly as many times as I have to myself, I promise you that.  I don't want to fail at this.  I am going to have to find a menu plan.  I think I will dedicate the rest of this week to doing just that.  The weekend will be for shopping.  I really do not want to start on a Monday.  Perhaps Sunday?  I am completely willing to try any suggestions that anyone may have.  I will also, for the rest of this week, get back to drinking MORE water.  I average only 2-3 glasses currently.  Yeah, menu and water.  That will be a great start.  Damn menu.

I am about to tackle my hardest project yet.  Let's see how this turns out...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

--Reinhold Niebuhr