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Friday, May 6, 2011

Happiness is...Being a Mommy

That was what my favorite mug said.  It came from my Great Aunt and has since been lost when an ignorant "friend" at the time walked out the door with it and never brought it back.  My husband and I searched for another just like it, but never found one.  It is the absolute most truest thing I have ever read!

I was terrified to be a mommy.  I was afraid I wouldn't feel like a mother should.  My head was filled with all sorts of scenarios.  What if my child doesn't really love me?  When will they stop?  What if I don't love them? Will they hate me?  At what point does all this start?  I wasn't kidding when I said I was terrified.  This went on for a good four years.  And then I began to crumble.  I found myself creeping into their room at night, picking them out of a sound sleep and silently sobbing.  I felt like I couldn't love them enough and that feeling that they would someday stop loving me crept closer and closer to my head and heart every day.  They never woke.  My beautiful babies slept silently in my arms as I sobbed uncontrollably.  I would eventually lay them down and watch over them.  Listen to their tiny breaths and place my finger close to their tiny hands hoping they would wrap those tiny, soft fingers around mine.  Almost every time, they did.  When my tears were dry and I could feel the corners of my mouth turn up, I would return to my own bed exhausted with only the hiccups of the sobs remaining.

Eventually, with some understanding of where these fears were all coming from, this odd behavior stopped.  I became more comfortable in my role as a mother.  The fears faded and I started to really enjoy being their mom. 

Today, there is no question.  I was meant to be their mother.  I love them with every bit of who I am.  I cannot imagine feeling any differently.  And each day, their expressions of love for me solidify our eternal bond.  They will always love me.  It is the purest love I have ever experienced.  And I will always love them, no matter what...ever!

Although I know that gifts are being prepared, I want them to know that everyday they present me with the greatest gifts I could ever ask for.  Emily with those big blue eyes and the kindness she gives in her most private moments.  I have become so proud as she steps beyond her comfort zone time and time again. I love that she still seeks me out to snuggle and nuzzle.  Ethan.  What can I say.  When I hear the expression 'wears his heart on his sleeve', I think of him.  I am not even sure I understood what the expression really meant until Ethan.  His smile and ability to make me laugh as well as his compassion for others is unbelievable.  Alec.  Even at four, he has shown so much of the little person he is to become.  He is considerate of others, smart in ways I'd never expect someone to be at this point in life.  He is the family's Baby Boy.  I am proud of them all.

To my husband and three beautiful bundles of joy ~Thank you for making me a Mommy.  Thank you for all the happiness, love, hugs & kisses a mama could ever ask for.  Thank you for making me the person I was to become all this time.  I love you all...

Who needs a stinkin' mug when you've got all this?

Happy Mother's Day Everyone!!  Wishing you many Kisses, Snuggles and Nuzzles!

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