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Friday, May 6, 2011


More than a year ago I decided to write about life in a "big girl" body.  Since then I have learned so much.  Even though I have made zilch progress in the weight loss department I feel much better about who I am.  The first feel good lesson was when I revealed my weight. I swear, there should have been an instant show of loss on the scale right there.

Yesterday I was reminded of this lesson.  I was completely thrilled and surprised when two wonderful friends stopped by.  I was so giddy with excitement and happy to have them here.  I couldn't get over the idea that they were here, for me.

The past few weeks have held several little moments like this.  A call from an Uncle, just to check in.  A card of encouragement from a dear friend after I vented to her about the continuous, stupid behavior of a "family" member.  A breakfast invitation from a neighbor, just because.  Flowers picked by my children (from the neighbors yard!) and handed to me with smiles and excitement.  A little gift, a hug and those words that make me tear up whenever I hear them, "I love you" from another friend.  An email from a special "sister" wanting to help me obtain my goals.

All this.  And until yesterday, I now realize I really did not have a very high opinion of myself.  I released myself from the worry of what everyone thought of me, my size, when I revealed my weight all that time ago.  Or so I thought.  I am not sure there was anybody judging me as hard as I was myself.  (I hear you, Tracie)

I know what I am good at, what I excel at.  I am there, if it is at all possible, for most anything.  I will give 100% when you need me too, and even if you don't.  If you are doubting yourself, I want to remind you why you shouldn't.  I just want everyone to be happy.  I want to help where I can.  And I strongly believe that we should all help each other.

Ask me if I felt I was worthy of receiving any of the above.  I would have said no.  And I really felt this way.  I don't know why, maybe I doesn't matter.  I just know that it is a waste not to bask in the warmth of such acts of love and friendship. It's actually a slap in the face to reject it.  Though I never believed I was rejecting it, just not deserving at all.  I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to say that I am deserving of any of this.  There is such a natural reaction of shame in me, if for one moment I let myself believe I am worthy.  Again, I can't explain.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.  There are other feelings that I am sure will surface at some point.  That is for another time, as they do, I guess.  Back to yesterday.

Back to my two wonderful friends who took time out of their day to bring flowers and sunshine my way.  Both are beautiful.  And even though I have been well aware of the struggle and success one of them have had with weight, she sat across from me and later that night, I realized, I never saw her like "that".  Like what I think everyone sees me.  Granted, she is MUCH smaller and closer to her goal weight than I am.  For a moment we talked about "going out" and I commented on how, if I was single and looked like this, I didn't think I could do the bar thing.  In my head I was playing over and over again what it would be like.  Me sitting at the bar.  Would my ass even fit on the bar stool?  Or will it hang over?  Yeah.  I see the guys coming in and scanning right over me.  The funny part is, I know, as a fat person, you can be HUGE and invisible at the same time.  I get it, I am not worthy of a glance...I don't want to look either.  You are excused.  There are times I truly feel like the white elephant in the room.  She's here, she's fat.  Let's just pretend we don't see her.  What happened to her?  How did she let herself get like that?  Yep.  That's what's going on in that head of mine.  Crazy, huh?

So how do I deal with it?  Depending on the mood I am in, I crack the first joke.  This year, as if to announce that I knew what everyone was thinking, I dressed up as Miss Piggy for Halloween.  I was comfortable, until someone (thinking it was funny) kept squealing like a pig at me.  Over and over again.  I laughed.  Over and over again.  And died a little inside each time.  I mean, I was making fun of myself.  And it truly was an expression of how I really felt.  Was his?  I am sure it was not.  But when insecurities get the best of you...

And that is what it is like.  Dying a little inside all the while trying to keep that smile up.  Like there is nothing wrong.  Right.
I saw her.  For who she was.  For what I knew of her.  A mother and a great friend.  I didn't see a number that I was trying to imagine on a scale.  I didn't mock her or laugh at her in my head.  I didn't hate her.  In fact, even knowing how hard she had been working on her goals...size didn't occur to me.  She was just beautiful.  I admired her hair and her eyes.  And if anything else occurred to me, it wasn't notable.

With that, I learned; I am a bigger person than all this fat.  What you see isn't always what you get.  I so know why I have been blessed with all everyone has done.  I am worthy.

***You guys are not allowed to cry this time!  Well, you can if you want.  And remember...I am fine!  I am more than happy to share it all with you <3

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