Validation

My mother recently left some recipes and articles on my kitchen table for me to look at.  There was another article on RA.  "10 Ways to Get Rheumatoid Arthritis Pain Relief".  Usually, I disregard these articles because all to often, proper research seems to be lacking.  Surely, someone suffering with this disease would not back some of the suggestions that are usually written.  I scanned through the printout.  And caught this:

• Emotional pain. All this pain and stiffness can begin to take an emotional toll on you. "It can be the dominant hallmark of the illness," Hadler says. "It's a consequence of the compromise in personal effectiveness — as in ‘who am I and how do other people perceive me and what can I accomplish?’ For many people with the disease, it's this emotional component that's overwhelming."

True Story.

You know what else takes a toll on you?  Pretending.  That everything is just ducky.  When it's not.  It's called holding it together.  I demand a lot of myself when it comes to holding it together.  What I express here, is not expressed much, at all, in my daily life.  When I do break down, it has usually been festering for a long time until I weaken enough and the dam breaks.  A girl can only take so much.

However.  This girl has an amazing family.  My husband is very understanding and supportive and my children are compassionate and caring as well.  I don't know where I would be without them.  They are my sweet reward in this mess of RA and such.  

They may not keep their rooms clean, do their chores without being asked, be as handy or aware of things that need to be done, but they are there when I need them to be.  They fight, whine, point fingers, get moody, overtired and loose things and drive me absolutely crazy.  But they are so there for me and watchful and try to be there to help me get up from a seat or help me down a step.  I am so proud and so very much in love with and in awe of them all.

It has taken me a long time to feel, know and believe that my husband and children love me, respect me and understand despite my not being able to do all the things I used and want so badly to do.  Because they have been so solid in all of this.  They never wavered...I did.  I had to learn that they had my back...no matter what.  They believed in my diagnosis more than I did.  I wasn't listening because I was too concerned with making it look like I was capable and still needed.  

There are many more areas that I still need to work on this, outside of home.  It is just a hard thing for someone like me to do.  While I have always been a fighter, there are some areas I fail to fight hard enough in.  I prefer to shut down and step back.  Way back.  When you come from a world where you feel you are only worth what you can do and how well you do it, it is hard to feel secure when your ability to do is stripped from you.  Especially when it is all you know.  It is your identity.  Your self-worth.  According to your messed up head.  

I have a long way to go, but I am determined to get and maintain a grip on this harder than it can grab me.  Reading that little clip of the article was so helpful.  I have yet to read the whole thing, but grateful for the little bit of validation I already gained.