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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a ball
Hoping to keep in all her parts that would fall
Now the good doctors with a sling, nip and stitch
Hope to repair
This feisty, impatient, bitch!

I have a date!  Again.  Finally (hopefully), I have a rendezvous with TWO men in masks.  We will meet up in a sterile environment and they will form an assembly line and put this Humpty Dumpty Chick back together again!!  Though we have been to this point before, I am confident that this is it!  Maybe.

However.  After the last week and a half, there may be another masked man invited to the party.  Oh good gravy.  Who goes to the doc and is told that there may be a problem with their anatomy?  I mean, really.  Other than the fact I have parts that want to jump ship.  Maybe it's a hostile environment in there.  I just don't get it.

Look, I don't mind having to go to the doctors.  Really, I don't.  I mean, lately, I live there.  Last week, I was at a different office every day.  This week, I will be visiting three.  What is difficult is finding out that there is some other issue going on.  It gets exhausting.  Granted, this past issue is one that I have been dealing with over the past twenty-plus years.  It has gotten much worse lately (and when I am comfortable, I may and probably should, talk about it here.  Give me some time, it has taken almost a quarter of a century to fully admit to the doc) and is taking a toll on me physically, emotionally and socially.  I am not complaining about being at the doctors, the constant draws for blood, xray, ultra sounds, MRI, CAT, scopes, etc..  It is just part of managing and really getting a good grip on this whole situation.  I learn a lot and feel that with every test we are working together to ensure that I am getting the right treatments, drugs and advise.  For my best life. This is what I do, now.

Last week a friend asked me if I wanted to go and hear a talk on RA.  I was pleasantly surprised.  At how informed I am.  How much I have absorbed and learned from my experience over the past three years or more.  Working through and writing here and contributing pieces elsewhere and getting feedback has truly empowered me.  Period.  I am informed.  That can be a blessing and a curse.  I know what I am up against and I understand that too many do not have that same understanding.  They think they know, but they don't.  Ignorance can be painful.

Yesterday, a friend demanded full eye contact and an honest answer from me when they asked what is going on and how I am doing.  It made me uncomfortable, but I answered.  I answered about RA. Only RA.  She then asked about how I was managing the fibromyalgia, the prolapses (which could be the cause of some excruciating lower back pain I have been having) and the most recent revelation that something else may be brewing.  I laughed at the list and commented that it doesn't sound so bad when I am trying to tackle one at a time, but all together, it sounds overwhelming.  "And yet, you are still smiling and joking.", she said.  Yes, yes I am.  I felt the tears trying to break the surface.  I wouldn't let them.  I just smiled and cautiously changed the topic.

It is a lot.  I am in a new kind of pain more often than not.  I can almost make it until dinner time.  I sit at the dinner table in agony and try super hard to concentrate on the kids, dinner, etc.  Lately, I give in and take something. I can honestly say, I understand how additions begin.  Fortunately, I don't have one.  But I understand it.  When there is pain that you just can't get above, pain that you fight all day long.  I understand.  It is clear when I am on something for pain, though it doesn't remove it completely...I refuse to maintain a steady dose or accept anything stronger.  The pain is still there, just a bit duller.  But I can concentrate and hold a conversation.  I am chatty and overall happier.  I am not battling a thousand nerve endings that are registering "false" pain, neck stiffness, and lower back agony.  I am free for a few short hours.  Like I said, I can totally see where someone could loose control.  I won't.  I just have to make it until October 24.  And I will.

In the meantime, I am just happy that we can continue on with our summer more predictably.  I would prefer to get this all over with sooner than later, but for some reason, that just is not in the cards.  This may also be good if we have to involve another surgeon.  It was hard enough to get two docs lines up along with my crazy windows of opportunity.  Knock on wood, RA seems to be manageable, for now.  Everything happens for a reason.  

By the way, this surgery, falls on my Gram's birthday.  That is such a comfort to me :)

I have a lot of time to prepare for my date with my masked men in October.  By Thanksgiving, I plan to be in the kitchen, standing tall...with nothing to fall ;)

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