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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Have This Nagging Feeling...

Think about the last injury you had. How, in those first few moments of confusion, shock and then pain, you are truly unable to communicate. If someone is there with you and asking, "are you alright?", you are almost unable to answer. In your mind, you are trying to absorb what has just happened, where the pain is and how bad you are hurt. You can't answer. The extra voices are almost agitating, adding to the chaos in your mind.

That has been what it is like for me. Several times a day, for a very long time now. Except now, all I know is the agitation and the realization of the pain, sometimes all over. And it is hard to concentrate on conversations and other things that are going on all around. I can no longer multi-task. I can watch the children and nothing else, even the television on in the background can be too much. Talking on the phone, not so much. There just doesn't seem to be enough distraction. I start to feel the aches and then I lose concentration. Then there's this mental scramble to recall what has just been said so I can respond appropriately and I just get frustrated. I can't explain how often I find myself becoming agitated and fidgety before I actually tune into my body and understand that I am hurting again. There is that expression, "I have this nagging feeling..." That is exactly what it is. Something is wrong, something hurts and I can no longer ignore it. Damn it!

Like most situations in life, I know I am not the only one. But lately, I just want to scream. I know several others that suffer or have suffered the same or similar symptoms to mine for other various diseases. Thankfully, they have been properly diagnosed and their medicines have had a chance to work and/or level out and they are functioning as "normal" as can be expected. That is all I want. I am not asking for a cure. Just for the pain and fatigue to stop, for a significant period of time. I am completely willing to pay my dues. I just need a break.

I know that the doctors are working hard and I am closer to relief (Please, I hope!) than I was a month ago. I know that I have to be patient. I know. I know. I know. But I also know that I feel inadequate as a mommy and wife. Each of my children have expressed their knowledge that "mommy is sick". What child should EVER have to worry about such things? I am ashamed that I couldn't hide it better. I can tell they are being so careful when they climb up on my lap for hugs. I recently found out that my oldest was worried that I was going to "leave...go to Heaven because the doctors don't know what's wrong" and my littlest one came into our bed the other night, covered me up and gently rubbed my arm. When I was telling my husband how cute it was, the little one overheard and said, "that's because mommy doesn't feel good."

As a general rule, we don't really discuss the situation around the kids. Honestly, there really is very little talk at all, because we had nothing to talk about. It has been a slow process of trying to figure everything out. They know that I am at the doctors, a lot. But they also know that I am much slower and tired. I am not really sure how we could have shielded them better. And my situation is not dire, by any means. In time it will be under control. I am not dying. Maybe we didn't share with them enough. Maybe going to all these doctors appointments should have been briefly discussed. I guess, as an adult, I know that my imagination can get the best of me too. Alright, so I just figured something out in this moment while writing this post. I will talk to the kids. Reassure them. Sigh...

Another month...another pill...another try at patience.

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