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Monday, January 10, 2011

~ Reflections 2010 ~

Wow.  That is all I can really think to say at this moment.  I decided to go back and read or skim through my posts over the past year.  I know where this (blog) started; what it was intended for.  I had hoped to be so much better off.  Instead, I weigh more now, than when I started.  I can honestly say that it has more to do with the medicine that I have been on and the lack of energy than anything else.  Either way, I started this project back in March.  I am almost a year out from that day and feeling rather...crappy.  I know that the failure is not mine.  There was nothing I could do.

What a year this has been!  Never, ever, would I have thought that this is where I would be. 278 pounds.  Exhausted and hurting.  That's on the exterior.  Mentally, I am holding my own and constantly monitor for any signs of depression (so far, so good!).  I can't say that I am the happiest person right now, but what can one expect in this situation?  Emotionally, again, holding my own.  What I am most proud of is the strength I found when push came to shove.  I shoved.  Hard.  And no, not everyone was happy about it.  Too bad.  See?  Did you see what I just said?  Too BAD!  For as weak as I am physically, right now, I am strong in ways I never thought I could be, needed to be.

I have been surprised by the actions of some.  Pleasantly and disgustingly.  I struggled with the idea of having to admit when I/we needed help.   That the struggle came from a fear that I was admitting failure if I asked for help. What I learned was that I would fail my family if I didn't ask.  That is not an option.  I had to learn that there would be those who would never understand, try to understand or even ask so they could understand what has been going on here.  There has been much respect lost.  But then, there has been some gained for someone whom I thought was a lost cause.  That makes me happy.  There has been genuine concern and quite honestly, I am still struggling to be comfortable in that.  Life is short.  So I try to accept it.  All of it.

Struggle, struggle, struggle.  Maybe I should say balance.  I can't find the balance.  Because I am/was "a do-er" there are expectations.  And rightfully so.  I tried to keep up.  I really did.  Until I couldn't any more.  I found myself, saying more times than I would like, "I'm sorry, but I can't".  I wanted to badly to explain, but struggle with the idea of sounding like a complainer.  Seriously.  I know that you all know that I have not been feeling well, but how long am I supposed to sell that before it gets old?  It's f!*#ing old to me!  So I walk around, a lot, feeling like people (who really matter to me) are angry.  Angry with me.

I'll share a moment from yesterday.

It had been three days of running for me.  A couple of hours usually puts me down for a few hours.  Friday was gathering supplies for my daughter's birthday party the following day with a couple of children in tow.  Saturday was the party with 8 little girls and later that evening was a special party for a very good friend (which I was useless for.  That killed me).  I tried very hard to pace myself.  Even strategically planning when I showered (remember, the heat from the shower can level me in a heartbeat).  I made it through.  I was tired (actually, that doesn't even begin to explain how I felt), but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  Sunday rolls around.  I wake with the usual aches.  Get up.  Relax and eat with the family.  When it came for me to stand, I realized I wasn't doing to well and announced I had to go lay down.  Four hours later, I woke up.  Honestly, it is very hard for me to tell if I am coming down with the flu or that my body is just done. I thought it was the flu this time.  Nope.  We were invited to dinner at our friends house.  I had about 45 minutes to get ready.  I needed to shower.  I got out of the shower and had to call the hubby in to help me dress.  I broke down..  I just bent over at the waist and flopped onto the bed.  Who the hell can't dress themselves??? WTF!!  I sobbed and sobbed (it was all of ten minutes) and released, ranted and apologized.  I was done. I cried all my fears out loud.  What if they never figure this out?  How much longer?  I am being robbed of so much!  I just want to feel better. I don't want this body!  This fat!  It's not fair! I want to be all the mother I can.  The wife you deserve.  And then, he nuzzled in close to me.  "It is time for me to take care of you.  Let me.  Stop setting the bar so high for yourself."  Funny, 'cause I feel like I am not even setting a bar lately.  We left with me physically and emotionally drained.  That is often an overused expression.  Not here.  Not at all.

If you have read my past posts, you know that I consider myself to be incredibly blessed with a supportive husband and wonderful friends.  Time and time again over the past year I have been showered with all the good they have to offer.  Flowers dropped off, just because. Calls to check in. E-mails. Cards. Meals. Offers for help. Well wishes. I know that I have been hard to get a hold of.  I know that for the most part, there is understanding for why.  I appreciated that.  We all do.  Every act has touched me so deeply.  And they all make up for those who have not been as supportive or understanding.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  I love you all.  So much.  It is often hard for me to express this in person because tears are inevitable!

We are 10 days into the new year and I am anxious to see what is in store for the year ahead.  What I do know is that WHEN the doctors get this all figured out and my strength is back, I WILL show my gratitude by taking great care if this body.  In the meantime there is a plan in the works.  I will post about it as soon as I can get all my ducks in a row.  As much as I cringe when I read some of the past posts, I am glad they are there.  I has been a year!  I have grown (in more ways than one!) and learned so much.  About myself, my husband and my children.  As well as others.  There is much perspective where there used not be.  I have it in writing and I can reflect on it all.

I appreciate all your comments and emails and your following.  I do want to apologize that this has not been the blog it was intended to be.  It will get there.  I think this has been a wonderful experience for me for so many reasons.  For all of you working on those goals to be healthy, keep up the good work.  I am so very inspired by and proud of you.  Thank you for all that you share.  I can't wait to be right there with you!!

Until then (to quote some of you), "One day at a time, one step at a time..."


  1. I love you, my friend. I'm glad you are learning to say no. And I love that Snail told you to let him take care of you. We both have some amazing husbands! Keep going. One day at a time.

  2. Rachel you amaze me all that you are doing feeling the way you do. I really hope that soon they can figure it out and give you some relief. Know that that I am sending you warmth and well wishes from VA always.