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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Climbing Mountains

2013 was...interesting, to say the least. There were many changes and choices to be made.  None of them were fun.  However, in the end, I am OK with most of it.  I wasn't prepared, but if I waited until I was, I am not sure I would have done what I needed.  So now, I start 2014 as a very different, but fresher me.

I also start 2014 as a smaller me!  That's right, remember the 266.4?  And then the balloon to 278?  I am now hovering below 240...hoping to close in on 235 soon.  I am a size I haven't been in YEARS!  There are some issues with dropping weight at this age (Holy Crap!  I turned 40 this year.  FORTY!).  It seems the skin has some memory loss.  You know, like remembering where it belongs!  I am pretty sure I would be a size smaller if my skin would just snap back!  I complain about this often, but my dear, adoring husband thinks I am crazy.  He thinks I look great. And I have to admit, I feel pretty damn good too.  Don't get me wrong, there are some rough days, but nothing like I have been suffering through for the past four years!  Yes, I said suffering!  Because that is exactly what it has been like.  I was a fool to pretend I wasn't.  To my RA Warrior friends out there, I know that this is a short lived thing.  In fact, it is already creeping back.  I knew it would.  But in the meantime, I intend to make the most of the freedom and movement I have at this moment.  Because I can!

So, with 2014 staring me in the face, I know exactly how I am going to spend it.

With a tummy tuck!  OK...not really!  I wish I could though. At this point, I am just happy to see my feet again.  It was cute that I couldn't when I was pregnant, but notsomuch, when I am not!

I am going to spend as much time with my children as I can.  I am a very lucky mama because I really do have some incredible children.  They are adventurous, kind, loving and so much fun.  Yes, yes, yes, they do fight with each other, but not always.  And they don't always do as I ask, but then, they do.  They are kids, after all.  In five years, Emily will be off to college.  College.  I have been here for the past four years, but not in the way I wanted to be.  Right now I am pretty close to "normal" as I have been in a long time.  A couple weeks ago, I went sledding. Granted, I only went down once, but I did it.  I got down on the sled (a feat in itself!), giggled all the way down the hill...and then...I walked back up the hill mountain (let's be real, it may as well been a mountain to this chick!).  It was worth seeing the looks on my babies faces...and feeling the smile on mine!  How friggin' far I have come!

That's right...I climb stairs and hills now.  I am a climber.  BAM!

I will nurture relationships that are important, healthy and deserving.  I started this last year and it has been so rewarding.  Sometimes, you just have to get over your own sh*t; swallow your pride, and make it happen.  When it does, it feels wonderful.  And life is happier...and easier.

Now, please sit down for this next one.  I will do less.  Meaning, I am worth more than what someone thinks I can do.  In my head, I am worthless if I can't "do".  I have felt like I don't have a place for some time now because my ability to do has been, well, broken. I am sure that, in following through with this, I will find my place, again.  Love me for who I am, not what I can do.  And by the way, that statement is more for me than anyone else.  This will be a tough one for me;  a near identity crisis.

I am also going to be more honest, to myself and others when asked how I am. I am far from weak.  Admitting where I am at won't make me weak either. I have been very conflicted about how to handle things.  Not any more.  On a daily/hourly/minute-ly basis, I am in a fair amount of pain, even now, when I have declared that I am better than I have been in four years.  The pain is just at a mind-over-matter manageable level, for now. I still hurt.

I am also going to let go...of a lot of things.  I am terribly hard on myself.  Nobody is perfect.  We all make mistakes and/or wish we had... or hadn't said or done something, at some point.  I am not one to carry anger, like some do, but I am very guilty of carrying, guilt.  To the point of ridiculousness.  I don't know why I do this.  I am an honest person, so there really is no need to carry this load.  Besides, my Gram once told me, "If God forgives, who the heck am I not to?".  I believe she is right.  Letting go...

2013 wasn't a great year.  For me.  It was heavy and hard and entirely dysfunctional.  But I learned so much.  The way I learned it may not have been most desirable, but I believe it was the only way I was going to learn, hear and see it for myself.  In so many ways, I know where I stand and who I am.  I am who I always have been.  I may be physically broken, but the rest of me is the same.  Somewhere along the line, I lost my funny...temporarily.  Life sucks without funny.

2013 wasn't a loss either.  Because I wouldn't let it be.  Every day is a gift and it would be wrong to wish an entire year away.  Everything happens for a reason.  Everything.

Here's to a year of climbing mountains, stairs, cherishing friends and family, relaxing, forgiving and forgetting...and remembering what is important!

And hey...maybe my flabby skin will bounce back!  One can only hope!

Welcome 2014!!!!  

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