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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dreams of Weed and A Plan...

I am frustrated beyond explanation. Thought about screaming, but that really, wouldn't solve anything. At this point, I am looking for results, more importantly, relief. You have no idea the restraint I am showing here. I want to drop every "bad" word there is. I am so tired of this. Last night, in my dream, I discovered weed (this from a girl who has never done ANY type of drug). I didn't smoke it. It didn't even look like it does in the show, Weeds. It was just there and somehow, I knew I had absorbed it. I felt FANTASTIC! Pain free and in my dream, I was sleeping peacefully, even waking to comment on it. Then I woke up. Nope. It surely was a dream. I was already dreading getting up and moving. Get up, go to the bathroom and be instantly consumed with the diminishing hope that today I will get some answers. Today, I know there will be no answers. Yesterday, I completed two more tests and have an MRI tomorrow. Maybe Thursday? I just need a plan...and a goal.

Stupid kidneys. Chronic infections with no real explanation. Bad, bring you to your knees, spasms, faithful evening low-grade temps, chills, freaking pain. Exhaustion. Crazy body aches. No, more than aches. Joint swelling, muscle and bone pain. Right now we have to treat the infections before the joint issues. One thing at a time.

I used to think and be told that I had great pain tolerance. I am no longer sure that is the case. I can feel all of this breaking me down. I try to remember that there are others, enduring so much more and wake to do it each day. That is endurance. I have to admit, I am ready to throw a temper tantrum. It has been 7 months now. I am tired.

I had a plan. I recovered from one illness that knocked me for a loop and was eager to start anew. Sometimes, I really wonder if this is all in my head. I mean, really, who gets this crap? I seriously start to wonder if I am crazy. I am not kidding here. We have all heard of the women who think they are pregnant and start to show signs of pregnancy, even when she is not at all pregnant. But, then I remember. The ER visits, the test concluding infections, the seemingly endless rounds of antibiotics, pain meds, the shots in the ass because I was so clearly uncomfortable. Enough already! I can't do this anymore. I don't want to.

I am now seeing a nephrologist. I have been repeating most of the same tests all saying the same. Great. So what is the plan? I NEED a plan. I am a planner, a doer. Lately I am more of a sitter, a wheel spinner. The past week and a half has been particularly rough as I currently have an infection and to get true results, I have to be off the antibiotic. I am in Ill Limbo. I hate this.

I HAD A PLAN! I know, I know...that expression, tell God your plans and watch Him laugh. Those earthquakes, that was God listening to my plan...I made Him fall on His ass, He was laughing so hard! Fantastic.

I am napping. I am talking crash hard 3-4 hour only waking because I had to pee naps. I am only able to do this once hubby gets home. Basic daily activities are exhausting to me. Sure, sure, I am overweight, you say. Really. Because before this all started I could run circles around some. I am a doer, a mover. I am NOT a sitter. Well, at least I wasn't.

I miss my kids. I feel like I am missing things. I want to do more. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that if I were anywhere near a healthy weight, I would not be as bad off. Where do I start? Shopping is a joke. Get in, get out. Our shelves are as low as they have ever been. After getting through the day, I am too mentally exhausted to put in the effort to create a real list. We have been rotating the same meals, for simplicity. Most nights, hubby comes home and cooks while I lay down. He also is doing the laundry and taking care of our children as well as other household chores. I cannot even begin to explain how hard all this is. Besides my children, he is another ray of light in my life. I am so lucky to have him. This brings on the guilt. Doesn't he deserve better? I feel like I am letting so many down.

I just want answers and a plan. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. I am and have been struggling with all of this for some time now.

I called a very good friend last week and just broke down. I had reached my limit that day. She pointed out that I have a tendency to not allow or believe myself to be sick unless it is confirmed by someone else. She is right. That adds to the stress because even though there are those around me who know that I have been sick off and on, they fail to treat me as so. There are no breaks. Then, in my (very messed up) head I think, "If they know I am sick and are still expecting the same, then maybe I am expecting too little of myself." And so I move on, feeling like crap and carrying great resentment. Deep down, I KNOW that I feel like crap and I should rest, but the feelings on the surface tell me not to disappoint. So I suck it up.. I know where this stems from. In the past, I have had significant illnesses, injuries, etc. When I brought them up, the basic response was that others have issues and they deal with them. I had responsibilities. In an effort to please, regardless of how I felt, I kept on. The ultimate validation was when a doctor would eventually say, "she needs surgery". Even then, post-op I was expected to tolerate too much too soon. I know...crazy. But these things stick. So much so, that I still act as though those expectations are still there. That is because they are. I place them on myself and crumble at the tiniest of signs that someone else expects the same, regardless. I wish I could just say to myself, "They are selfish and rely on you not to be.". It just isn't that easy. So, I rely on my good friend to shed some light and remind me that this is what is happening. But, here is the crazy, true side of what years of manipulation does to you. After admitting that she has a point, I later think that maybe I am seeing her point because that is the answer I wanted to hear. Commit me.

So, another day, no answers. I am hopeful that this time next week, I will have a plan. I need a plan. Have I said that before?

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