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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Walk Away

I rarely walk away from anything.  I don't like things left undone, unsaid or misunderstood.  When I do walk away, I want all to be good.  Often in the past, it has been at my expense.  Not any more.

Last week I had a confrontation with my father.  It ended with me speaking up and then walking away.  Nothing has changed and most likely never will.  For the rest of our lives, we will see each other with a certain amount of discomfort.  His should be about what he has done whereas mine will be about what he may do, again.  Honestly, there is nothing new here.  Except that I spoke up.  I still can see the look on his face when I did.  Shock.  I quit.  It is NOT my job to make you happy.  Especially when you have such little regard for my happiness.  Nope.  There is absolutely nothing new here at all.  I have always been uncomfortable where it came to my dad.  Always.

What has changed is that I no longer hope or expect my mother to do anything about it.  I just want her to know how I feel.  I don't want there to be any question as to why I don't want to be around.  Sure, I will attend functions, but will never just stop in.  That's not really new either.  I pretty much have done this over the past few years anyway.  Now, I won't have to make excuses.  Which I suck at.  I hate lying.  Mostly because I spent most of my early years being asked and expected to lie about so much.  And because I knew someone was always watching how well I lied, I always feel that they still are.  Ironically, one of the things my parents constantly called me when I was young, was a liar.  Guess it was only a good thing when the lies were to their advantage.  When I did lie, on my own, it was to escape.

Basically, I am continuing on as I always have, with one exception...I am done caring.  All the "things" that kept my tongue and actions in check are no longer my responsibility.  My sisters have grown and are going to have to make their own choices.  If they are pressured to not have a relationship with me...I can't choose for them. I can no longer take on so they don't have to.  My mom, I know she understands that she made her choice a long time ago.  I will be where I always have been.  Here.  Being the person I've always wanted to be.  And loved more than I could ever have imagined.  Even though...

After 30-some years, I have finally learned my lesson.  And nobody can ever call me a quitter.  I have done more than I ever should have and forgiven all I can.  Now, you can watch me as I walk away...

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