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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Helpless In the Wake of a Thief

Cancer. The word makes me cringe. Makes me angry. I can't bake it away. Can't joke it way. Clean it away. Talk it away. I can't take it away. I can't do anything. I can't fix this. I can't fix the hearts it breaks or the many tears it makes. I HATE cancer. It is by far the biggest thief I have ever heard of or known.

Where there were happy conversations with ease, it sneaks up and makes for hard talks and quivering voices holding back tears. It ends conversations. It ends relationships. It robs Children of their Mothers and Fathers and Mothers and Fathers of their Children. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, Friends and Beloved Pets. You name it. Cancer takes it. And it doesn't do it with compassion either.

I hate cancer. I hate that my best friend should have been celebrating the joy of her first pregnancy but was blind-sided by the news that her mother had ovarian cancer. And that I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter because it was the year I thought I would loose my Aunt and Godmother. She survived to meet my Emily. But I can remember how long a very close friend's mother has been gone, taken from us by cancer, because Emily was two weeks old when we attended her funeral. When I called to announce to my Aunt (the survivor) that I was pregnant again, she was dying and gone the next day. I was six months pregnant when I delivered her eulogy.I remember how long my best friend has been without her mother because my son was born days after I attended her funeral. It was our third child's first birthday when we heard that another wonderful Aunt had passed away. From cancer.

I remember the only tears I ever witnessed my Gram shed. They were for the loss of her daughter. Cancer broke my Gram. And it took her sister too. I remember the broken boys (grown men), sobbing for their mothers. For their great losses. I saw my friends break. I remember the helpless feeling. I could do nothing. Nothing to take away the pain. There is still nothing I can do. I can't fix this. And it keeps coming back.

I have great admiration for the Survivors. Both the ones directly infected and the loved ones left behind. They make for great fighters, informers and supporters. I am just sorry for all that they have lost. I hate cancer.

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