Party In My Closet

I just had a party in my closet.  At 7:00 a.m. I woke up and decided to try the scale.  Holy crap!  Another 5lbs! FIVE!  I usually don't get excited about this until I see it stick for a couple weeks.  But after the jeans episode this weekend (I was surprised to find that I could glide into them effortlessly), I decided that I should just check.  Five pounds.  Gone. Zapped.

This was the kind of party where only I can hear the awesome music, because it's all in my head.  This time I let my fingers skip over the "safe" tops and shirts and stop on the "If only" ones.  A couple of them fit so well that they were almost a bit too big in some areas.  I was stunned.  There was a day that I would pull them on with great hope and know before they got over my head that it was going to be a sad fit.  Now, I wondered if they were even the same shirts.  I pulled on another.  This one fit better, but not quite right.  Yet.  I have decided that this will be the one I will wear for Thanksgiving.  The feeling I had was entirely different than the last time I tried it on.  I was optimistic.  I can do this.

Then, I looked down at my feet and ankles.  Hello there!  I have toes, not sausages.  And LOOK!  There's my ankle bone.  Oh!  Wowwee!  Check out those beautiful bulging veins!  Let's try those cute slip on Sketchers that haven't fit in over a year.  YES!  There is actually loose skin that wrinkles up when I flex my feet.  I love it.  Because it reminds me of how swollen my feet have been for so long. 

I invite my loving husband to the party.  "Look!", I tell him.  He's excited, but not nearly as much as I am.  He's more concerned about how badly my hands have been hurting and wonders why my feet are so much better.  I don't want to ruin the mood by admitting that, although my feet look a-may-zing!, they are still very painful.  Why worry him?  I have come to terms with the facts.  This is what life is like.  What it will be like. It has taken me a long time to truly accept this. And this is my body.  To ask or expect him to accept it at this point is unrealistic.  I encourage him to check out my curves and I stick out my right foot for him to admire once more.  How I wish I could call my girlfriends, but it is too early.  They would get this and not make it heavy with well intended worry.

If only.  If only I could get off these pesky steroids.  Weight loss and body shaping would happen with greater ease.  Even the doc told me this last week.  "Your blood pressure is down (something I have NEVER struggled with. It has always been crazy low.  Until RA & steroids.) and your weight is down.  That is great.  I want you to loose a lot more weight though.  And that will happen if we can get you off the steroids and get you moving more.  But for now, we can't get you moving more until we get everything else under control.  Once that happens, you will find the weight coming off faster.  For now, South Beach lifestyle and patience.".  You got it, doc.  We are on the same page.  For now.  For now, the steroids stick.  I am on a dose that doesn't mask the pain, but allows me to move.  I could take more, but I don't want to.  I want to get off of them.  I love steroids and I hate them at the same time. 

In the meantime, party in my closet.  :0)