In the past month, I have been named someone's hero. Twice. I came across the first nomination while looking for my daughter's lost homework assignment. It was an interview my she did with my husband. She asked who his hero was. It was me. Then, last night Emily announced she needed to type out and print an essay that was due today. When it was finished, I read it. Her assignment was to write about her hero. Again, it was me. Wow.
I bake a mean cut-out cookie and take pride in how they are decorated. I am Lazy Pirogi & Jambalaya Queen. I am the Stain Nazi, I can get most any stain out. I am organized and very particular. I love the look of how neatly folded towels look. I am probably the best sheet folder out there, second to my mother who taught me. I preach that there is a place for everything and even label...most everything! If it is broke, chances are, I can fix it. Doesn't matter what it is, I will at least try. I love to decorate. I have been given the title, Craigslist Ninja! If I need it, I will find it. And for a killer price.
My floors aren't as clean as they should be and there is certainly enough dust begging to be...well, dusted. The dish rack often has dishes in it and my counters are cluttered more often than not. There are baskets of laundry, all at different phases, all over. Beds are not made. My sun room, has become a collecting area, again. Our flower beds need weeding. And this year, we will not have to worry about getting the Christmas lights up. Because for the first time ever last year, they never came down. Dinner isn't always ready on time...or at all. My room, is a complete disaster area.
None of this matters. None. Not at all. Because, I read what my husband wrote. I am his hero because 'she has rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalsia and though most days it is painful for her to just get out of bed, she does it and not only does she do her best to do what she can, but most days she accomplishes more than I do and she does it all with a happy attitude (most of the time).' And in my daughter's eyes(wrote that line before I remembered the song), all that mattered was that I want to help people and make them happy. The fav for me was she knew that I believe family is important as well as being a good friend.
I have a lot to live up to. They have set the bar pretty high and now that I have achieved this highest of honors, I fear that there will be disappointment. At the same time, there is this sigh of relief. I cannot not even begin to express the fear I have of not being a good enough mother. And with the challenges handed to us/me in the past couple of years, that fear had surfaced once again. But it's OK! I am doing it. Not perfectly...but my daughter is happy with me. I am her Hero...
There is no amount of counseling that could bring me to where I am right now. This was concrete, black and white proof that I shouldn't give into those great fears I have. She is my daughter and one of the three greatest gifts God has ever blessed me with. Every night I go into her bedroom and kiss her good night and nuzzle her. I tell her I love her and she sighs back and gives me that sleepy smile. Sometimes we chat for a bit. Sometimes I get into bed, can be nearly asleep and realise I never kissed them. It is no exaggeration, there are times when I can't walk and use the cane to get to them. Sleeping or not, I believe they know when I am there. This is what a good mother does.
My children don't care that the clothes are all over or the counters are cluttered. They know I want it differently. But so far, one of them has shown me that none of that truly matters. I am so proud.
It just occured to me. One of my favorite artists is Martina McBride. Years ago, she had a song out called, In My Daughter's Eyes. I would cry every time I heard it and wish that it could be like that for me. All the while doubting it would be. I was so terrified of failing, especially with my daughter.
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
I think I will end this post here. I wish I had recalled this sooner. I couldn't have described this any better. I have been rescued. I have not failed.