I have been trying to think of how I can continue to write. Clearly, things are not going as I hoped. I haven't given up, it's just been small changes. How do I write about such little things? I don't want to sit here and write about the same, well, almost nothing. But you know what? I started this because I knew I wasn't the only one out there. I wanted to give a voice to all those suffering the same, feeling the same, wanting the same. Those who felt they were all alone. I wanted to be sure to reach out to all of them, you. I wanted to diminish those feelings and inspire others. I wanted to help. I WANT to help. I am not done. Obstacles. That's all. Have you heard the expression, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."? I make Him laugh, daily!
So what's been happening? Simply put, I feel like crap. I hurt. All over. There is a cane next to my bed because when I get up, I can barely walk. Once I start to move a little, it gets better. This happens EVERY TIME I SIT, for any length of time. Sometimes, I just go into the bedroom and flop my upper half onto the bed, feet still on the ground. I do this, because I am in need of a rest, but don't want to sit because getting up can be so painful. I am sure this makes things worse, because I don't allow myself the rest I need. If you know me, it is nearly impossible for me to sit still. I am in constant motion, constant project mode always trying to get that "one more thing in". I am not sure if I wrote about this before, but my husband witnessed just how bad it can get. It was the end of the day, I sat down for a bit. When I got up, I started down the hallway, turned into the bedroom and just flopped into the bed (upper half only again). This all happened in one motion. Stopping once I am in motion is also painful, so I just kept moving until I could "fall" into something. He knew I was hurting, but hadn't seen this before. I got the lecture ("you have to stop, rest, take care of yourself...."). Yeah right.
On top of all this, what I initially thought was a strained muscle in my back turned out to be a pretty nasty infection of the kidney. Three weeks later and I am finally feeling better. This is all so incredibly frustrating, infuriating, to me. Last year at this time I discovered I had a broken foot (that I walked around for a month on without knowing it was broken). Three months of recovery and I thought I was on my way. Until this past fall. I was sick and let it go too far. I was then, very sick. Fluid around my heart and lungs. I was very lucky that I recovered. But, it took, what seemed like, forever to fully recover and my energy level to return to normal. I have only been back to "normal" for a couple of months now. Eager to get on with things, changes. Except now, I feel pretty bad.
I have finally talked with the doctors about the aches and such and I am getting tests done to get to the bottom of it all. I had been putting it off. So far, as of Friday, I have completed almost all the tests requested. Now we wait. I just was hesitant because I don't want to have to take any medications. I hate taking meds. Need to find natural alternatives.
And that brings me to this past weekends events. A couple years ago, I was put on anti-anxiety medication. I had been on something similar for depression in the past, but this time, I was having panic attacks. If you have never had one before...WONDERFUL! They are downright scary! This is the longest I have ever been on anything like this. I tried last year to wean off, against the doctors advise. She thought my life was still a bit "hectic". She said this as I sat in her little examination room with five little children lined up against the wall behind her. She turned to look at them and then back at me again. They were just a fraction of my responsibility (as well as, the most enjoyable). I hate taking the meds. I feel like a failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Get it? Even though, she explained to me that I had an incredible amount of responsibility on my shoulders and it (Lexapro) was a crutch. It was actually healthier for me and my body to be on them than not. At that time, she was right. I decided to stick with it. Since then, things have eased up considerably. I am ready to try again. After taking the last pill. I decided I was done. So, Friday I was fine. Saturday, I thought good. Then Sunday! I woke with a familiar feeling. Jolts. My brain felt like it was short-circuiting. I've experienced this before. Last time, I was just too busy to bother taking the meds. That awful feeling was so bad, I don't think I have missed a dose since then. I think I understand why addicts are so willing to get their hands on another fix. The feeling is terrible. You can actually hear your brain "misfiring" I don't know how else to describe it. It sounds like little zaps. And I get a headache and very dizzy...and tired. So I had the script refilled. feeling much better now. I will be properly weaning myself off. I really hope I can be done.
Please, if you are taking something, do not feel as though I think any less of you. You see, for me, I feel as though I should be able to handle things better. I know so many out there that can and do. This is my own hang-up. Also in the back of my head is my mother's voice ridiculing me for having to resort to such measures. In her eyes, counseling was a great sign of weakness on my part. Years later, I discovered that it was more about her own insecurities and not my weakness. Again, my own hang-up. Not yours. I do think that there is a time and place for such aids. I think that they can be very beneficial. I am glad that I accepted and tolerated them over the past few years. I do believe that they made me a better wife, mother and friend at a time when I could have failed so many in my lost and semi-panicked state. Life is for living, not just getting through. If medication helps you to do it, then do it. Let it help you find your way through the mess and see you through to the other side. I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't a bit worried that I am not quite ready. If I am not, I won't wait as long to get help. I am that clear now.
So these are the things happening. Add on the spring factor and all the things that need to get done. I am also the house mechanic and getting our lawn mowers and such up and running is keeping me very busy. Our son has also started baseball and there is piano, school, extra children, etc. In all this, I have been able to keep up on water and drinking unsweetened iced tea (and coffee, of course!). Need to push those fruits and veggies though. I think for some guidance and because a friend is doing it, I will do the South Beach lifestyle. This has been recommended by a couple of my docs. We'll see. One day at a time.
***A side note here. I should also state that taking the medication gave me a sense of clarity that I otherwise would not have had. The meds cleared away the haze and helped me greatly to see things for what they were. It is for this reason alone that I wish I hadn't been so resistant to taking them a long time ago. I can say that I am stronger and more focused. I see what matters, what doesn't and what can go to hell! I'm just sayin'...