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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Rant and Release

I don't think that it is any big secret that I am surrounded with some complicated relationships in my world. Recent lack of sleeplessness, among other events, are bringing some of this closer to the surface than I would like. Things that I usually shrug off are sticking to me more and I hate that feeling. Mostly because not being able to shrug them off means that I am forced to realize some unpleasant traits making it harder to want any relationship, at all.

I feel like I am in this box, that I can't move in. I just want to bust the hell out of it and say what I want to say, scream it actually. But I can't. My actions and words would hurt someone who doesn't deserve it in the least. And the others that need to hear it, would most likely hear nothing at all. Actually, I can say, wouldn't care at all.

I am dumbfounded, disappointed and just ill with the ignorance & lack of compassion. I am sick of turning the other cheek, extending another excuse and trying to figure out why. I am embarrassed for these souls. I do expect better. And they should expect better of themselves instead of pushing off on others what they feel is acceptable behavior. Because what is acceptable to them, is completely unnatural and hurtful in most circles. This is the face of selfishness.

Do I make you uncomfortable? Hmmmm....I don't really care any more. You don't want to talk about it? Fine. Really, I don't care. I am sorry, but your discomfort is with yourself, not me. Clearly, I make you realize some things about yourself that maybe, you are (and should be) ashamed of. Do not look down on me because I posses certain qualities that you lack. Actually, these are qualities that most have, maybe you are jealous.

I am not the only one affected by all of this and honestly, that's what gets to me the most. I see the hurt in other's eyes and quickly want to remove it. Remove me from this circle of insanity and all these feelings fade (the boxed in ones). I am not someone to run away from my problems. I want to face them head-on. Life is short. Tackle, repair & move forward. I am sometimes surrounded by cowards. Cowards run.

Unfortunately, in life there are some situations we can never completely remove ourselves from. I know this. It sucks. BUT, I can make my life outside of that realm what I want. And I have. Despite all of this crap, I am still amazingly blessed. My little family unit is my heart and soul. I have incredible extended family members that I am so proud of and have so much love for it makes me burst inside with complete happiness. So many filled with unconditional love, acceptance and kindness. There is this "family" I have acquired through a volunteer organization nearly six years ago. I have to say, I never expected all that would come of my deciding to accept the invitation to join. I hope I can give back all that has been given to me. And of course, my many friends. I can't even put into words what they mean to me. Pure, easy goodness, all the way around.

I chose my realm. Simply because it is healthier. Natural. Loving. Kind. Compassionate. There is a healthy exchange of give and take. Expectations are simple. Most importantly, it is honest. And easy.

I feel better now. Got that off my chest. It surely won't fix anything. I know that I have done all I can. I know that some of these unpleasant behaviors are a bi-product of environment. We can't choose where life puts us. But we can choose what we make of it. Some make better choices than others. I made better. I am not sorry for that.

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