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Saturday, August 14, 2010


So clearly this blog has not gone in the direction it was originally intended to. I offer no apology for this because it has been a release for so many issues. I know that I am not alone in this and that most likely, those issues, they contribute in some way to my current shape (ha-ha). There is something freeing about putting down, in writing, what is going on. To look back and read my previous posts, is actually pretty empowering, for me. I see where I have been and how strong I am. Somehow, in writing, I am very clearly able to express what is in my heart and head. I don't care who reads it. There are no lies. If you don't like it, you should examine why. Shame can come in many forms. Just like hurt. I usually get angry before I realize that what I truly am is, well hurt.

I had no intention of releasing some of what I have. But, this blog, had been named, "Putting it ALL Out There". As with any injury, a Band-Aid will work, temporarily, but if you don't examine how it happened, you risk the injury again. That's where I was stuck. This issue with weight, we all know is not about the number on the scale or the image in the mirror. It is about the person, carrying all that extra poundage. There is no blame. Nobody sat there and shoved the food in. I did this. I know that. Granted, I do have a few factors contributing. I understand, however, that had I made myself a priority sooner, maybe things would not have gotten so out of hand. That is all on me. I know that I have a tendency to put too much ahead of myself. We all do that. Especially women. We look to our left, right, in front of, and behind to see if we are measuring up to some ridiculous standard. Although, women are incredibly smart, if were were smarter, we would look closer and see that nobody is really getting it all done. We all have areas of failure. It is how we accept those areas. What I mean is that I would sit there and beat myself up relentlessly about all that I wasn't able to get done. Now I know that nobody gets it all done. It is how you choose to deal with that. I am learning.

For all the craziness that has been my life, I turned out alright. I am amazingly blessed with some beautiful people in my life. They are my brass rings. I am sure that I have said this before, I'll say it again. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. A very smart friend of mine added something that makes that statement even better. She said, "We may never know or understand the reason for it, but there is a reason." . That made it all the better for me. Because as much as I believed that there is a reason for everything, the "why" always bothered me. In my situation, I have always thought that my purpose was to end a cycle and to prepare me for, give me the emotion to, raise my children. One in particular. I know I was right. Because it was actually said to me that he may not have fared as well in the environment that was my childhood. I know that is true. I also believe that it is what you make of the situation, once you are freed from it. That's is where I have been for a long time now. It hasn't been easy, because I find it easy for me to empathize on an unhealthy level. Sometimes, an all consuming level. There needs to be a distance so that I can remain objective and guide or care as needed. That takes time to learn. It is a painful lesson.

Healing. I think that is path I have been on over the past year. First with the recognition that I am neither truly happy or healthy in this state and that I needed to do something about it. Secondly with the truth that I was putting myself, for the most part, in that unhealthy state. Ultimately, I am responsible for me.

At a crazy chance the other day, I was sitting and folding laundry. I picked up the remote and started to flick through the channels. Since we don't have cable, this was a short experience. I saw Oprah. Didn't think she was on anymore...however, there she was (a REASON, perhaps?). It was a "Look at me! I lost XXX pounds!" episode. Blah blah blah blah blah. I sighed. Really? Now? I need this like another pair of sock to match! I was just about to change the channel when one of the women were asked by Oprah what the change was. The woman's reply, "I realized my life was running me and I wasn't running my life.". AHA! There it was! I was clutching an unfolded item and just sat there while her words ran through my head, over and over and over. That is exactly how I feel!

I want to run my life. I want to flip it around. The best I can describe this is as is labor. Sorry, but it is perfect. When you are having a contraction, the game, the rule is to stay on top of it, stay ahead of it...don't let it get above your level of control. will loose control and the pain is overwhelming and exhausting. You become drained and unable to focus for the next one. And there WILL be a next one! I know this...I was good at this! Trust me, between child labor, gall bladder disease, rupturing cysts and kidney spasms...I am damn good at this! This is what I need! Now, how do I apply this to life?

Right now, to keep you updated, I am still not in a most healthy state. Currently, I am taking steroids. It was a shot in the dark to see what would happen if we tried. OMG! I feel/felt AMAZING! I could move. I was a REAL mom. The stairs weren't a painful obstacle and the cane at my bedside was beginning to collect dust. I could stand from a sitting position, without pain and I could open and close my hands. However, that was for 5 days. On day 7 (there was no wean down) I hit the wall. My body started to cease up and I felt awful. My lungs felt as though they were being squeezed. I have been put on to wean down again until I can get into the Rheumatologist (not until 10/01, they are working on getting me in sooner). I can feel the clock ticking and my body is already reacting to the weaning process. I am not a medicine person. This is one of two drugs that have ever scared me to be without. I understand the risks of steroid treatment and that scares me too. BUT...the feeling of only slight discomfort...and the look of my ankles...I HAVE ankles again! They are cute in their non-swollen state! Not only did the meds take care of the joint pain, but I haven't had ANY kidney issues and there was another issue that was cleared up as well...had that one since a teenager (stomach issues)! Again though, I wish I could express to you the fear I have of the pain returning. It is very stressful. There is so much I want to do. Tic. Tok.

I guess the point of this somewhat random topic blog is to let you all know that I have not forgotten and I have not given up, still. This journey has been more of a process than I bargained for. I am alright with that. Except for this nearly 9 month illness track I can't find my way off of. Again, a reason for everything, right? I hope that the reason for all this is that, in my journey, I can help someone else too. If it counts for anything, I have had a great loss in the time since I started this. Nothing measurable on a scale. Hugely immeasurable lessons in life.

Next lesson: Learning to run my life....

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