If you have been following all along, you know that the original idea for this blog came out of some encouragement from a few friends and the unexpected shock when I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror at a store. My very large self. I wanted to write out everything that I, as a fat person, felt. I knew that I wasn't alone and wanted to be free of the emotional and mental weight. I wanted to reach out to the many different shaped and sized out there and help free them from that isolated space we all lock ourselves into.
Never tell God your plans. He will laugh terribly hard. Prior to that fantastic plan I had, I was pretty sick. And I have never fully recouped from that. It has taken nearly two years for it to be discovered that I have fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. Together. I was knocked on my ass so hard I seriously didn't know what hit me. Doctor's were scratching their heads as test after test came back "normal". In the meantime, I was not functioning well at all. The only people who really knew what was going on were a select few. How the docs finally came to the diagnosis is a long story. It doesn't matter. I have it and there are plans in place to deal with it. I am finally on board and no longer in denial. I do my research and actually search for information (in the past, I wouldn't. Didn't think I had the right to without a proper diagnosis.).
My story is not over. Yesterday I had a discussion with my rheumatologist about exercise and when I can expect to push harder. He tells me that the weight loss is going to be tough because of the limitations the two diseases can cause, not to mention the steroids (I have a love-hate relationship with those damn things!). In that moment, it occurred to me that I am NOT alone in this. There has to be, just as when I was just fat, many out there in my situation. I am back in the game. My story is far from over.
I plan on beating the living hell out of RA & fibromyalsia, just as they did to me. Recently, someone told me I am a fighter. I am, damn it. In every other aspect of my life, I am a damn good fighter. I've been given some tools to fight this and there is a lot that is left up to me. Just as I NEVER called in sick to work and almost ALWAYS tried to go on and continue as though everything was normal when, really it wasn't, I will fight this with all I have. I know there is nothing I can do to make it go away, but I can make it cower daily.
For those who have ever or do doubt my strength(largely myself!), this is who I am. I am the mother of three and caregiver to many, old and young that ignored symptoms that shouldn't have been ignored. Until the day I was taken into the hospital. Even then, I fought being there. I had things to do. I refused to give up commitments because I didn't want to let anyone down. I refused to let on how bad I was feeling. I am the wife who laid in bed after making it through the day with a jerking body because my kidney(s) would spasm so badly with infection. When I would finally walk (crooked) into the doctor's office, they gave me shots of tramadol. At least 9 times I went through this. During one of these infections, I crawled through Darien Lake for an entire weekend, refusing a wheel chair. I had fevers, pain, extreme fatigue. When I say crawled, I am not exaggerating. Thank God for the stroller that supported me. I made it through organizing parties down to the tiniest detail, holidays at our home and would immediately be down for 3 days or more after. I NEVER called in sick. I dragged myself, again, through an amusement park on feet so swollen they almost didn't fit into my shoes. I refused to let my children down. I get angry at the idea of having to go into the hospital because I don't want to be pinned down for anything minor. My thought is, it better be pretty bad, or I am not going in. Often I struggle with the idea of having to call something in.
And so now it occurs to me,I have to fight this weight thing like I fight these damn symptoms that should have had me laid out and resting. It won't be easy. But if I can push through an amusement park with a fever and kidney spasms, why can't I push through a walk up our road? Eye if the tiger, baby. All the doctor had to do was tell me it would be a challenge. I am ready.
I am ready for proper nutrition and rest. Proper exercise and healing. Every inch that is blasted, is an inch RA & fibro doesn't get to latch on to. There will be setbacks. I have leaned that. But they will be temporary. Shortened lifespan. Yep. It will be the healthiest one if that's the way it has to be. Kiss.My.Ass. RA & Fibromyalsia!