Yesterday in the midst of trying to accomplish what I could for the day while caring for one unhappy child and awaiting the arrival of the next, sure to be unhappy, child (one is in adjustment, the other is a baby), a friend had called and I found myself trying to defuse a situation having to do with her family. So much was happening all at once. I could hear in my head, "Rachel, what are you doing?". It was something that a friend had asked me over the long weekend and I hadn't been able to get it out of my head. It was something I really needed to ask myself.
Later that night, at 7:45 after the last person walked out of our home, I left to go and pick up prescriptions. My husband volunteered to go and get them, but I had to get out. I got part way down the road and pulled over...I wanted to cry. Within a few moments other cars were approaching and slowing, most likely to make sure everything was alright (that's the kind of hood we reside in!). I pulled it together, put my signal on and pulled back onto the road. I felt numb.
What am I doing? I feel that I am being pushed to the limit. I don't get it because, a year ago, my limit was almost non existent, but I did it. All of it. Physically, I was spent. Now I feel emotionally spent and I just don't understand. I'm coming back physically...why aren't the emotions following?
Could it be that the expectations on me from some has NEVER changed? Could it be that I feel if I was able to get through it with much less then I certainly have no excuse for saying I can't now? I think so. I think I just had an Epiphany. I am feeling disappointed. I am recognizing that what I expect from myself, others do not from themselves. I am not saying that I am at all better than another, I would never. I am feeling angry that I may have to lower my own personal standards to protect myself...at the same time I will be harshly criticized.
The past coupe of months, if I was going to push myself to do things, it was going to to be for my own personal enjoyment which also includes family time and friends. I have had a great summer. I have enjoyed concerts and camping. Looked forward to it, got excited as they neared and took it all in as if I could never again. There were moments, when nobody could see, I could feel my heart bursting and I would shed a few tears of complete joy. I was finally being honest with myself about how terribly hard things had been. I was looking back over that mountain I had just conquered. Before me were friends dancing, laughing and singing. At one point I was huddled in with two of my dearest and best friends (who happen to be married) and I felt a calmness and feeling of being right where I belonged washed over me. We were swaying to the music together and they were saying the sweetest things. I knew they missed the old me. And I was back, slightly reinvented, but very much present. I felt peace. And such love.
Am I supposed to feel guilty for those precious moments? I know the answer is no. But I am feeling like the more I start to come back, the more is expected. I had planned on coming back at my own pace. My own pace. While I don't want to be treated like I am "sick", I would like some consideration. I have written new rules for myself and I'm not sure they fit for others. I know that shouldn't matter, but just because my body has changed, doesn't mean that my heart or my head have. I am still the same in those areas...I fear even more sympathetic than ever. I constantly try to shield others from what I am sure would be uncomfortable or hurtful to them (I hear ya Trace/Marie, not my job...but you know better!).
So when that friend was on the phone going off on their own personal rant about others, I took into consideration all that was going on in her life and then tried to redirect the ranting and make corrections where needed. I wasn't happy when I hung up the phone and reflected on everything throughout the day. I don't mind being a sounding board, I know I am good at it. But this one left me in a corner with (almost) nowhere to turn because I won't repeat what I am sure was intended to be repeated...so someone else could do it for her. I am NOT that person. And when other events of the day, separate from this, came down, I felt cornered and isolated. Knowing what I need to do and quivering inside at the thought of carrying it out. It made me wonder, where the #**#! is that same consideration for me, from some? Completely disappointed.
Who would have thought that disappointment could hurt so much?
I need to concentrate on the 96% that know who I am and respect, not exploit me for it. Little digs here and there may catch me off guard as well as back handed compliments full of jealousy (like, "I [personally] haven't been sick for two years, but I have to think I would have killed myself trying to [get everything done]" Yeah, that was said to me, just last week.), but I'll get back up again and remember where I stand. I assure you, it will be further from where I was when those digs were delivered.
Every day, there is something new to learn, if we choose to. And then, if we choose to, we can do something with that gift of knowledge. Let me just say...I am friggin' smart! I have several diplomas which hang in my head and on my heart. That's nothing to be disappointed about. I am Good People :0)