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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Prolapsed Pine Tree

This is not going to be an uplifting or funny post.  It is going to be an honest one.  I feel it needs to be out of respect for those of you who are following and dealing with RA/fibromyalsia and anything else.  I know that it can get sickening and disheartening to only read when things are going fairly well to great.  I know the importance of knowing that someone gets it.

I am wound very tightly lately.  I am stiff, tired, achy.  I can't stand for long or gravity hits and makes the issues in the female department really prominent and ultimately painful.  And I get frustrated.

Apparently there is a tree that the electric company would like to remove because it is in the way of their lines.  Normally, I wouldn't think too much about this.  The other day our neighbor came over to ask what we wanted to do about it.  Today, I stuck the notice on the front door that gave permission for the tree to be removed.  I was getting dinner ready and our neighbor, along with the tree guy knocked on the door.  I forgot to sign the notice.  I signed it and went back to making dinner.  All at once I felt overwhelmed.  I was thinking about all the stuff that needs to get done, how there will be a stump and mess to clean up.  How anal the neighbors are on either side of me and how neither have a clue what is happening here or how much I would love to be tending to every detail of my yard as they get to, their own.  I suddenly was pissed that the tree had to come down.

It wasn't the tree.  I quickly found that out when I burst in to tears while going over the days events with Jim when he came home.  We had a few moments alone and started to talk about the appointment I have with the ob tomorrow to discuss the details of the hysterectomy I am to have.  I don't want to have this done.  At all.  I am not scared about the surgery.  I am pissed.  I am so sick of being chipped away at little by little. Pieces of me are being lost.  Or in this case, falling out!

I am sick of feeling like I have to pretend that I am OK with everything.  Like none of this affects me in the least.  Seriously?  It freaking does.  There is so much that I am not in control of right now.  Too much to make light of and jokes about.  I really don't say much about how I feel, really feel to anybody because I can't imagine what it is they could say.  I honestly don't trust that it would be understood or result in the sympathy I need...not pity.

I am also sick and tired of pretending that I am not disappointed in some people.  Or not being able to express that I am.  Because I freaking am.  Please, do not be critical when I do not meet your expectations.  Especially when you rarely meet mine and I [used to]remain unconditionally loyal and tolerant for far too long.  I know where I am valued and respected.  I have had enough.

What I am afraid of is the time I am supposed to heal afterword.  I was fairly optimistic until my last appointment where I was reminded that I don't heal the same and I should expect that.  I promise to be compliant.  But I am afraid my body won't.  My body  has been acting like an out-of-control teenager.  I know what I expect of it, but clearly, it knows better and has other plans.

I am sick of being babied. I asked for a rake to be brought up from the shed so I could do a little work here and there, if I felt like it.  "You can't do that.", Jim told me.  I replied (almost begging)," I won't overdo it, I just would like to have [the rake] up here in case I feel up to it."  Nope.  And God forbid if I do something and maybe push a bit too hard, I can never admit it because I won't be able to put on earrings without help/permission. I know it is out of love, but it is driving me crazy.  I think it is because I so many times have to admit that I either can't do something or get frustrated because I know I have to ask for help.  So not only do I have to admit to myself that I cannot do something, I am often being told I can't do something by somebody else. Ugh.

So now I have to give up my uterus. Fabulous.  I am exhausted with all this crap.  I feel like I am standing in the middle of a windstorm trying to catch all the loose pages of a book I am reading.  I am failing miserably.  I don't have a handle on this RA thing and as much as I try to ignore it, fibromyalsia is kicking my ass too.

Look, I am all about looking at the glass as half full and all that other positive...stuff.  However, there are days, and today is definitely one of them, that I just can't find my inner cheerleader.  Don't lie, you know you lose your cheer bitch sometimes too.

If anybody is looking for me, I will be out hugging the tree...

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