This is not going to be an uplifting or funny post. It is going to be an honest one. I feel it needs to be out of respect for those of you who are following and dealing with RA/fibromyalsia and anything else. I know that it can get sickening and disheartening to only read when things are going fairly well to great. I know the importance of knowing that someone gets it.
I am wound very tightly lately. I am stiff, tired, achy. I can't stand for long or gravity hits and makes the issues in the female department really prominent and ultimately painful. And I get frustrated.
Apparently there is a tree that the electric company would like to remove because it is in the way of their lines. Normally, I wouldn't think too much about this. The other day our neighbor came over to ask what we wanted to do about it. Today, I stuck the notice on the front door that gave permission for the tree to be removed. I was getting dinner ready and our neighbor, along with the tree guy knocked on the door. I forgot to sign the notice. I signed it and went back to making dinner. All at once I felt overwhelmed. I was thinking about all the stuff that needs to get done, how there will be a stump and mess to clean up. How anal the neighbors are on either side of me and how neither have a clue what is happening here or how much I would love to be tending to every detail of my yard as they get to, their own. I suddenly was pissed that the tree had to come down.
It wasn't the tree. I quickly found that out when I burst in to tears while going over the days events with Jim when he came home. We had a few moments alone and started to talk about the appointment I have with the ob tomorrow to discuss the details of the hysterectomy I am to have. I don't want to have this done. At all. I am not scared about the surgery. I am pissed. I am so sick of being chipped away at little by little. Pieces of me are being lost. Or in this case, falling out!
I am sick of feeling like I have to pretend that I am OK with everything. Like none of this affects me in the least. Seriously? It freaking does. There is so much that I am not in control of right now. Too much to make light of and jokes about. I really don't say much about how I feel, really feel to anybody because I can't imagine what it is they could say. I honestly don't trust that it would be understood or result in the sympathy I need...not pity.
I am also sick and tired of pretending that I am not disappointed in some people. Or not being able to express that I am. Because I freaking am. Please, do not be critical when I do not meet your expectations. Especially when you rarely meet mine and I [used to]remain unconditionally loyal and tolerant for far too long. I know where I am valued and respected. I have had enough.
What I am afraid of is the time I am supposed to heal afterword. I was fairly optimistic until my last appointment where I was reminded that I don't heal the same and I should expect that. I promise to be compliant. But I am afraid my body won't. My body has been acting like an out-of-control teenager. I know what I expect of it, but clearly, it knows better and has other plans.
I am sick of being babied. I asked for a rake to be brought up from the shed so I could do a little work here and there, if I felt like it. "You can't do that.", Jim told me. I replied (almost begging)," I won't overdo it, I just would like to have [the rake] up here in case I feel up to it." Nope. And God forbid if I do something and maybe push a bit too hard, I can never admit it because I won't be able to put on earrings without help/permission. I know it is out of love, but it is driving me crazy. I think it is because I so many times have to admit that I either can't do something or get frustrated because I know I have to ask for help. So not only do I have to admit to myself that I cannot do something, I am often being told I can't do something by somebody else. Ugh.
So now I have to give up my uterus. Fabulous. I am exhausted with all this crap. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a windstorm trying to catch all the loose pages of a book I am reading. I am failing miserably. I don't have a handle on this RA thing and as much as I try to ignore it, fibromyalsia is kicking my ass too.
Look, I am all about looking at the glass as half full and all that other positive...stuff. However, there are days, and today is definitely one of them, that I just can't find my inner cheerleader. Don't lie, you know you lose your cheer bitch sometimes too.
If anybody is looking for me, I will be out hugging the tree...