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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Birds and Bees, Sausage and Peppers

So last night, while sitting at the dinner table, THE question was asked and prefaced with the following. "Mommy.  I know that you have eggs and daddy has sperm thingies, but HOW do they get together?"  It was our middle child asking, but by the look on their faces, they ALL wanted the answer.  And I was totally not ready to give it.  Certainly not over dinner.

I remember my mom giving me "The Talk".  I remember it vividly.  We were making dinner.  I must have been about 10.  As I watched her stir up the zucchini and Italian sausage in the frying pan, she gave the horrible details.  Details I hadn't even asked for.  But something or someone must have inspired her to find out how many shades if pink my face would turn.  She was a mother on a mission.  I was a daughter...mortified.  To this day, my mother considers me a prude.  Probably, because any time she would bring up anything having to do with sex, I would just cringe.  There are things, at least in my opinion, children should never have to know about their parents.  Period.  When I was outed by her girlfriends for reading 50 Shades of Grey, she was giddy with excitement.  Seriously.  Giddy.  She was so proud of me. If you were to ask her to list and rank the times she was proud to be my mother, at the top: #1 Rachel Read the 50 Shades Trilogy.

I always knew the day would come when I would have to answer these questions.  And so far, I have been so proud of myself.  Ha!  Mrs. Smarty Pants!  I'll only answer JUST what they ask. Ha ha!! So in the past when they would ask where babies came from, we would answer truthfully, saying that mommies have eggs and daddys have little sperm that fertilize the eggs.  I was a GENIUS!  And was entirely certain that all the other mommies would be calling ME so I could aide them when their time came.  Ha ha ha!

What on earth was I supposed to say over Sunday dinner when they wanted the whole truth?  SUNDAY DINNER!

And where, pray tell, do you think their father was?  Somehow, in stealth mode...he "distapeered"! When I finally located and tried to lock eyes with him during the insistent inquisition, he could only turn and hide his smirk.  He was physically present...but totally AWOL.  I was alone.

Even our youngest, Alec was demanding an explanation.  Emily was just as persistent.  I was 50 Shades of Red.  My mother would have paid top dollar for a seat at the dinner table last night. Somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to give them the answers they were seeking.  Nor did I want to admit that this day had arrived.  I also wanted to spare them any visuals that could potentially scar them for life.  I needed more time.

I am sure that by now they have heard things on the bus or in school.  I also know that it is our job to make sure they have the right information.  A thousand thoughts went through my mind.  And all I could do was redirect and distract by asking what they wanted for dessert.  Thankfully, their little bellies took the bait and I escaped without having to answer.  But I know I will have to.

So, I am a believer in keeping it simple.  I also believe in the open door policy.  I want our kids to be able to come to us.  But if I appear uncomfortable, I fear they will be uncomfortable too.I am looking for some input and hoping there is a simple solution that I (The Former "Genius") may have overlooked.

In the meantime, I will be filling every moment with wholesome family fun ;0)  I wonder how Ward told Wally and The Beaver about the birds and the bees.  All these years, all those reruns and I somehow missed that episode.

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