Tonight, we celebrated our last night of this "vacation" with watching our new family fav, Once Upon a Time. Alec was snuggled up with me. I couldn't help but smile, close my eyes and soak in every little bit of my six year old baby.And soon he was asleep in my arms. I made a silent wish. "Please, let us stay like this forever." The thought of these days being over, it overwhelming and sad, for me.
I have no idea where this all comes from. I know that I have many regrets of not slowing down and enjoying my children as much as I feel I should have. I definitely feel guilty for not being able to all the things I wanted to with them do because I wasn't feeling well these past few years. And honestly, it's the days that I am feeling really good, that I get most sad about all I feel I missed. All I know is that I can't get enough if my children. Of course, they frustrate me and I do get angry with them, but never for long. I am always so concerned about what is going on in their brilliant little minds and worry about their happiness. I am sure some therapist would have a field day with me!
I don't feel that we really ever "grow in" to the person we are. To me, that sounds like settling and ceasing to learn. I feel that I have evolved throughout the years and adapted as needed. Life is an orchard of choices. I have certainly, made some very poor choices. That includes how I have handled myself...and my children.
Nothing can prepare you for the day you struggle to properly restrain your newborn into that car seat for the very first time...and take him/her home. From that moment on, the pressure is on! The best I can describe it, from my point of view, is like juggling. WHO in their right mind decided it was OK to send these children home with ME?
When I think of all the transitions and evolving I have been through in the past 12 years while trying to pretend I have this parenting thing down (hahahahaha!), I wonder how it is even possible that my little angels have turn out to be such wonderful little people. And as they get older, it gets harder. The position of "Head Role Model" plays an even greater role in their lives. I find that I hold myself even more accountable for things because I feel they are paying attention now more than ever. I sometimes wonder if these children were placed with me to keep me on my toes. So that when I felt weary and disappointed with life, I would have to hold my head high, look straight forward and push on...BECAUSE I was under great observation. There are ALWAYS six beautiful blue eyes watching me. And should I fail to hold myself accountable, they surely will. I know who is watching me. God, all my loved ones who have passed and my children. I believe my obligation is to my children, first. Because, if I do right by them, then I have pleased God 3X over! Kind of like extreme couponing. :0)
I don't know. I think I am just overwhelmed with all the emotion that comes with being a parent. The unconditional love and acceptance is terribly hard for me to...believe I deserve. At all. I am humbled by it all. By all three of them. I am so thankful.
And seriously, who doesn't get all warm and fuzzy when an adorable child falls asleep on them after a near perfect family weekend?
This year, I am thankful for my Rheumatoid Arthritis. Although I struggle with time lost before, I understand that RA has made me appreciate and take advantage of the time I have NOW.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well~