Feeling sexy is: walking into your local Tractor Supply store, dressed for a fancy evening out. Whoa Doggie! Did we turn heads! Felt good! Damn good! I knew what they were all thinking...men were drooling as I reached up to select the proper air filter for my lawn tractor (without any help). In their minds, they were watching in slow motion. Darn! I should have shaken my sexy hair for them as I pulled the filter from it's peg. All this attention made me fergit my big girl status for a bit. Seriously though. I knew what they were all really thinking. "What in tarnation?!? Somebody help those folks. They're lost and think this is one of dem there cute little novelty shops!"
That is not how we intended our evening to play out. There was an installation dinner being held for our fire company. For as long as I have been a member, it has always been held at a nearby country club. Not this year. And somehow, I missed the change. Which is crazy, because change doesn't happen easily or without a lot of noise there. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful organization filled with compassionate and courageous people, but, as in most the same, what is done (for the most part!) is always done the same! So, after hubby dropped me off at the pretty big white doors, I waited outside for him to return to me after parking the car. As he approached, I noticed him, really noticed him. He was walking towards me, one hand in his pocket. which pushed his jacket to the side and I thought to myself, "I am a lucky girl." And it was that moment right there that determined how the rest of the evening would play out.
Together, we walked in and I was hit with an odd feeling. Where were all my girls? The men? Scanning the room, nothing was familiar. We asked a staff member about our party and he informed us that it was not there. Walking out the big pretty white doors my mind was spinning. "Think! Think! What was said, what did you miss?" I knew that we had the date right. There had been a lot of chatter leading up to tonight. I assured Jim that, yes! It is tonight, people were posting like mad about it on Facebook. I called the only cell number I could remember at that point and of course no answer. How could she answer over all the laughter, conversation and with a drink in her hand? Come on! I know...call home(to check the machine)...darn it! Emily must have left the phone off the hook after calling Dzia to confirm their plans for the evening. Smart girl. Confirm your plans! So that was it. We were done. Going home to check the pile of mail for the newsletter (I never read) that could contain the location of this most special event was out of the question, since it would make us too late.
"Where do you want to go for dinner?" James asks me. "I am sorry." I tell him. "For what?" he replies. "For not paying more attention. What about Olive Garden?". As deflated as we both felt that our plans fell through, we both knew we couldn't let this evening go to waste. The kids were staying over at their Bousha & Dzia Dzia's (Grandparents) house overnight. We were free! The headache I had been nursing all day had gone away and we were both exhausted from the week's work and such, but going home was not an option. Besides, we were both all gussied up!
As we were about to pass it , we decided to drop off two old tractor batteries that we in the car at Tractor Supply. I had been working on getting our lawn tractors up and running this week. I also needed a new air filter. As I previously stated, it was a pretty humorous event. I was paying for the multi-tool we found for Ethan and new ball for the hitch when I suddenly realize, "I forgot the filter!". Jim says, "I'll get the car." This is how our marriage runs. I'm Mrs. Fixit and he's my Mr. I"ll Dowhateveryouneedjusttellme. It works. So off I went to the isle to retrieve my filter, where I helped another gentleman pick his out, paid for my newest item and left. Knowing that the whole time the guy at the register was scratching his head over our visit.
On our way to OG, we were joking about our trip to TS. I commented on how over my past few visits there this week, I observed several people with an accent, the southern type. I wondered why. This made Jim slip into his "farmer Jim" accent. I told him how nice I thought he looked tonight and commented that people in the store were wondering how I ever snagged him. He laughed and reminded me that he always has thought I was well out of his league. Jokingly, I said, "Yep! And so you made me fat so you never had to worry about another looker!" In the "Farmer Jim" accent, he replied, "Yeah, I like my women like I like my farm animals. Fat and happy!" We both laughed. And this is so not true! We both know I outweigh him by quite a bit (bastard that can eat anything!) and this is something he never imagined he would desire. But I was able to laugh with him about it. He loves me. No matter what. I was becoming more comfortable in my own skin. The hate for myself, my body is disappearing. And while that shows nothing on the scale, it shows a lot for my image of my self worth.
That has been happening more and more over the past month or so. Getting dressed is not as hard as it used to be. Acceptance. Knowing that I am changing. Understanding that it will take time. Acceptance even as I look in the mirror. It's all good.
So we went to Olive Garden. We talked without any interruptions other than our waitress checking in to see that we had everything we needed. There was real conversation (no spelling out words, editing, implying). Real listening. Real understanding. Refocus and re-center. Remarkably, the same thing had been on both of our minds lately. It was an event that happened last fall and we both had been thinking about it. It wasn't anything between us, but something that hurt us both deeply. We reassured each other and enjoyed our meal together. In the end, I knew we really do get each other.
What could have been a disastrous evening, turned out to be something quite wonderful and truly needed. Life is funny that way sometimes. Last night we just rolled with the punches and everything was alright. Starting with the moment my DH was walking toward me and I noted what a lucky girl I was. I am.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Pushing Through
Can't sleep. It is 5:30 am and I have been laying in bed, awake since before 3am. This has been going on for awhile. I wake up with my joints aching and can't get back to sleep. I lay there rotating my ankles and stretching my feet and legs out. The lower joint pain has been going on for a long time, what's more recent is the ALL OVER joint paint. I have decided to go with the cortisone shots. I have been putting this off for a year now. I kept thinking, "just let me get some of this weight off and I am sure I'll find some relief." Nope. There seems to be this vicious cycle going on. I attempt to work out and my joints hurt so badly, I stop. Do some yard work and at the end of the night, I am in so much pain. As long as I am in motion, it's not so bad. It's when I stop. I sit there dreading having to get up because the pain is rough. The medicine I have been prescribed is no help at all. So I will have them inject my foot area with the hopes that I can at least tolerate exercise as well as normal daily activity. That's the plan for now.
This hasn't changed my plans for a healthier me though. I still haven't lost my first five, but that's alright. I am still learning. Yesterday, something amazing happened...I was in this house WITHOUT a single child! OMG! Great! Because I was on a mission. Fix the lawn mower. So for the most part, while I was child-free, I was removing parts, looking up parts, shopping for parts. The children arrived just in time for me to reinstall the parts. I fixed the lawn mower! So, of course, I HAD to mow the lawn, which turned into raking the yard, trimming and burning sticks. Before I knew it, it was 8pm. Nobody had eaten dinner. Because nobody fixed dinner. So, we went out for dinner. I should also mention that I hadn't eaten all day. This is typical for me when I don't pay attention. I just keep going and try to squeeze in everything I can, except time for me to nourish myself. I'll stop to feed the kids, but then, I jump right back into what I was doing. In my mind, there is no time to stop. My life is constantly in a you never know what is going to happen state. So I try to make the most of the time I have.
We went to Applebee's. All I could think of on the way there was the Chicken Quesadilla. I was so hungry I could taste it. Never mind the wonderful healthier menu choices they have. My hunger took over. My mind agreed. Chicken Quesadilla it is. Oh, but then, my sister ordered French Onion soup. A favorite of mine. I almost ordered a salad and at the last minute, my deprived belly called out, "I'll have the French onion too, please!". Darn it! I had been doing so much better. I don't even allow myself pop any more. I hate diet pop and I am pretty touchy about water. Too many times I order water, only to find it tastes awful and inevitably drink from my hubby's glass or order pop. However, I have always loved unsweetened iced tea and order that where it is available. I ordered it last night as well. It so refreshing.
I understand that the queadilla was not the best choice. But the addition of the French Onion soup was just bad. So, it came out and I looked down at it and ate two spoonfuls and pushed it off to the side. I couldn't do it. I knew I ordered without thinking it through better. I was already treating myself to a dinner out and quesadillas. That was enough and I needed to be in control. My daughter discovered that she likes French onion soup too. She really enjoyed it and I was content with that.
Thinking back, I was extremely thirsty when I first started dreaming about what I would eat. I should have stopped and had some water before we left. I was also extremely hungry (remember, no food ALL day). We always have plenty of fruit in the house. I should have grabbed a banana or something to eat on the way. Even a handful of nuts would have been smart. I'm not beating myself up over this though. Although what I did was mindless at first, I did stop and think about it before eating the soup. That's progress in my book. I see the importance of eating throughout the day.
My life is crazy busy. That's not going to change any time soon. It is a pace I am comfortable with and don't know if I could function any other way. Small changes, tweaking here and there is the way I need to do this. I have met several challenges in the short time I have been doing this, all of them taking me to a new level. I'll find my way through this most recent challenge (joint issues), but it doesn't mean I have to stop what I am doing. There are so many changes that I have to make if I want this to be a life long change. Working out is important, but it is not the only key to success. My success.
I would like to acknowledge a friend here for her great efforts in working out. Way to go Mishelle!!! I think of you all the time and how awesome you must be feeling in every way! Soon enough, I will be on your tail girl!! So proud and so thankful to call you friend! And another I am thankful to call friend, Ironmamma! Ride like the wind baby!
This hasn't changed my plans for a healthier me though. I still haven't lost my first five, but that's alright. I am still learning. Yesterday, something amazing happened...I was in this house WITHOUT a single child! OMG! Great! Because I was on a mission. Fix the lawn mower. So for the most part, while I was child-free, I was removing parts, looking up parts, shopping for parts. The children arrived just in time for me to reinstall the parts. I fixed the lawn mower! So, of course, I HAD to mow the lawn, which turned into raking the yard, trimming and burning sticks. Before I knew it, it was 8pm. Nobody had eaten dinner. Because nobody fixed dinner. So, we went out for dinner. I should also mention that I hadn't eaten all day. This is typical for me when I don't pay attention. I just keep going and try to squeeze in everything I can, except time for me to nourish myself. I'll stop to feed the kids, but then, I jump right back into what I was doing. In my mind, there is no time to stop. My life is constantly in a you never know what is going to happen state. So I try to make the most of the time I have.
We went to Applebee's. All I could think of on the way there was the Chicken Quesadilla. I was so hungry I could taste it. Never mind the wonderful healthier menu choices they have. My hunger took over. My mind agreed. Chicken Quesadilla it is. Oh, but then, my sister ordered French Onion soup. A favorite of mine. I almost ordered a salad and at the last minute, my deprived belly called out, "I'll have the French onion too, please!". Darn it! I had been doing so much better. I don't even allow myself pop any more. I hate diet pop and I am pretty touchy about water. Too many times I order water, only to find it tastes awful and inevitably drink from my hubby's glass or order pop. However, I have always loved unsweetened iced tea and order that where it is available. I ordered it last night as well. It so refreshing.
I understand that the queadilla was not the best choice. But the addition of the French Onion soup was just bad. So, it came out and I looked down at it and ate two spoonfuls and pushed it off to the side. I couldn't do it. I knew I ordered without thinking it through better. I was already treating myself to a dinner out and quesadillas. That was enough and I needed to be in control. My daughter discovered that she likes French onion soup too. She really enjoyed it and I was content with that.
Thinking back, I was extremely thirsty when I first started dreaming about what I would eat. I should have stopped and had some water before we left. I was also extremely hungry (remember, no food ALL day). We always have plenty of fruit in the house. I should have grabbed a banana or something to eat on the way. Even a handful of nuts would have been smart. I'm not beating myself up over this though. Although what I did was mindless at first, I did stop and think about it before eating the soup. That's progress in my book. I see the importance of eating throughout the day.
My life is crazy busy. That's not going to change any time soon. It is a pace I am comfortable with and don't know if I could function any other way. Small changes, tweaking here and there is the way I need to do this. I have met several challenges in the short time I have been doing this, all of them taking me to a new level. I'll find my way through this most recent challenge (joint issues), but it doesn't mean I have to stop what I am doing. There are so many changes that I have to make if I want this to be a life long change. Working out is important, but it is not the only key to success. My success.
I would like to acknowledge a friend here for her great efforts in working out. Way to go Mishelle!!! I think of you all the time and how awesome you must be feeling in every way! Soon enough, I will be on your tail girl!! So proud and so thankful to call you friend! And another I am thankful to call friend, Ironmamma! Ride like the wind baby!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Still in the Game!
If you have been following this, I am sure you've wondered where I have been. I'm still here. I guess the best explanation is that last weekends events knocked a good amount of wind out of my sails. Notice I didn't say it knocked all the wind out. Still enough to break the slow, but steady stride I had going on. My shoe came untied and I had to stop to re-tie it.
That being said, I am back in. Slowly changing my eating habits and trying to get some moves in. Changing my eating habits is the easy part. It's that exercising that is troublesome to me. I am sure that I will lose just by changing how often and what I eat, but I would like to get a good routine going to increase my potential. This is not an excuse, I am just lacking the time. Seriously, if you were here with me, you would understand. I am sure there are opportunities I am missing, but I am not seeing where.
I know I said that I would start to journal last week. I didn't. I will now though. I was still in a bit of a fog last week and recovering. Also started new medication. I HATE to take anything, so for me to ask, says A LOT! I have arthritis and my joints ached so badly, I wasn't sleeping. I was given 500mg 2x/day of naproxin. Worked great, at first and then last week, I realized not so much anymore. Now I am on Lodine. I am sure the extra weight on my joints is making matters worse, but I hope to be able to not have to take anything at all. Although, my Aunt is trying to convince me to eat 9 gin-soaked raisins each day. Sounds fantastic to me! Still though, I have never been this heavy and everything is more painful and awkward. Even my beloved yoga. Sigh. I don't think I have ever breathed this heavy while exercising in the past either. Very discouraging to say the least.
So, my shoes are tied, I have brushed myself off and I am moving forward, still. I have a recipe I would like to share. It is by far one of the most refreshing (and pretty) snack, meal...whatever. I usually eat it with tortilla chip, but need to find a healthier alternative. If you have any suggestions, please share!
Summer Salsa
1 green sweet pepper - diced
1 red sweet pepper - diced
1 yellow sweet pepper - diced
1 orange sweet pepper - diced
1 jalapeno pepper (optional) - finely chopped
1 red onion - diced
Fresh cilantro - chopped
Mix all the above together. Then squeeze the juice of 1 lime over the mixture. Stir and enjoy!!!
This is really so tasty, refreshing and so pretty to serve!
That is all I have to share for now. I am just happy to be "back".
That being said, I am back in. Slowly changing my eating habits and trying to get some moves in. Changing my eating habits is the easy part. It's that exercising that is troublesome to me. I am sure that I will lose just by changing how often and what I eat, but I would like to get a good routine going to increase my potential. This is not an excuse, I am just lacking the time. Seriously, if you were here with me, you would understand. I am sure there are opportunities I am missing, but I am not seeing where.
I know I said that I would start to journal last week. I didn't. I will now though. I was still in a bit of a fog last week and recovering. Also started new medication. I HATE to take anything, so for me to ask, says A LOT! I have arthritis and my joints ached so badly, I wasn't sleeping. I was given 500mg 2x/day of naproxin. Worked great, at first and then last week, I realized not so much anymore. Now I am on Lodine. I am sure the extra weight on my joints is making matters worse, but I hope to be able to not have to take anything at all. Although, my Aunt is trying to convince me to eat 9 gin-soaked raisins each day. Sounds fantastic to me! Still though, I have never been this heavy and everything is more painful and awkward. Even my beloved yoga. Sigh. I don't think I have ever breathed this heavy while exercising in the past either. Very discouraging to say the least.
So, my shoes are tied, I have brushed myself off and I am moving forward, still. I have a recipe I would like to share. It is by far one of the most refreshing (and pretty) snack, meal...whatever. I usually eat it with tortilla chip, but need to find a healthier alternative. If you have any suggestions, please share!
Summer Salsa
1 green sweet pepper - diced
1 red sweet pepper - diced
1 yellow sweet pepper - diced
1 orange sweet pepper - diced
1 jalapeno pepper (optional) - finely chopped
1 red onion - diced
Fresh cilantro - chopped
Mix all the above together. Then squeeze the juice of 1 lime over the mixture. Stir and enjoy!!!
This is really so tasty, refreshing and so pretty to serve!
That is all I have to share for now. I am just happy to be "back".
Monday, April 12, 2010
Coming Together
Sunshine and the beginning of a new week. I am starting to think that the events of this past weekend and such were needed. Another step closer to the top. Someone I can call a good friend told me I had to step into the fire. I danced in it. I survived it. I learned from it. And now I can move forward. This won't be easy and that's alright. I am not easily defeated. Push me and I may walk away. Hit me, I'll duck. Try to silence me, I'll scream louder.
There is no "starting over", because there is no end to what I am doing. I move forward every day trying to make myself aware of the choices I make. Stepping stones and building blocks. That is how I will make this work. If I spend all my time constantly tearing down to start over again, I'll never get anywhere. I will expect MORE of myself, not less. I need to eat MORE, I need to exercise MORE, I need to stop and really breathe, MORE! Move forward, towards the next marker. See what you all do for me? Little words of encouragement, goals, advice, honesty. It helps me and I get to pass it on to all of you. I love you all for your part in this.
Journal. That is my goal for this week. I think I may have promised that before. It didn't happen so I am committing to it again. I know that it will be beneficial in helping me to determine several patterns. Lets see how I do. I just got a new scanner, so I may consider sharing the journal with all of you once in a while(Mishelle..I may need your help for that part!).
I also have measurements. I will be putting these up too. Why not? I am just not sure how often I need to remeasure. I think I would like to have a running progress chart. If I can figure out how to get a full length picture on here too, I suppose I should do that as well.
If any of you would like to join me in this, I would love it. You don't have to put your names up and it doesn't matter how little or large your goals are. I have a friend who, by all accounts is little. But she always has this 5 pounds she wants to lose. Personally, I would love to have only five to lose. But they are her 5 and they are no different than my 100+. She doesn't want them and either do I. In the end the goal is the same. So I will have to get help in getting this set up and I will also need you. Please join me. If you have any suggestions, you can post or email me as you have been.
We are not alone. Let's get together on this.
There is no "starting over", because there is no end to what I am doing. I move forward every day trying to make myself aware of the choices I make. Stepping stones and building blocks. That is how I will make this work. If I spend all my time constantly tearing down to start over again, I'll never get anywhere. I will expect MORE of myself, not less. I need to eat MORE, I need to exercise MORE, I need to stop and really breathe, MORE! Move forward, towards the next marker. See what you all do for me? Little words of encouragement, goals, advice, honesty. It helps me and I get to pass it on to all of you. I love you all for your part in this.
Journal. That is my goal for this week. I think I may have promised that before. It didn't happen so I am committing to it again. I know that it will be beneficial in helping me to determine several patterns. Lets see how I do. I just got a new scanner, so I may consider sharing the journal with all of you once in a while(Mishelle..I may need your help for that part!).
I also have measurements. I will be putting these up too. Why not? I am just not sure how often I need to remeasure. I think I would like to have a running progress chart. If I can figure out how to get a full length picture on here too, I suppose I should do that as well.
If any of you would like to join me in this, I would love it. You don't have to put your names up and it doesn't matter how little or large your goals are. I have a friend who, by all accounts is little. But she always has this 5 pounds she wants to lose. Personally, I would love to have only five to lose. But they are her 5 and they are no different than my 100+. She doesn't want them and either do I. In the end the goal is the same. So I will have to get help in getting this set up and I will also need you. Please join me. If you have any suggestions, you can post or email me as you have been.
We are not alone. Let's get together on this.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Choices
After an emotional evening last night, I sit here with some serious bags under my eyes. I am still waiting for that much needed hug from you know who. I am wondering if he really even realizes what occurred yesterday. Seriously though, how could he not? I don't want that whole awkward confrontational moment either. Just a hug and "you can do this" would be nice. I don't want and shouldn't have to ask. Over. Done with. Oh well.
I cannot, however, ignore the outpouring support that made my cup runith over shortly after my blog posted. I know that it may be redundant, but I can't thank you enough. Your messages are personal, kind and so supportive. There is a wonderful exchange and I can't believe that we are able to touch each other's lives in such an amazing way. This is where I think technology excels. We are a busy society and sometimes it seems as though we have forgotten those small touches. You know, the human ones. But most of us sit down with or glance at a computer or phone at some point in the day and are instantly connected. We can share, send support or hello's, i.e." I am thinking of you" in an instant. We connect. That's important.
I mentioned yesterday that this week has been full of "rough" spots. I am still trying to process some of them and figure out how I want to deal with it all. I know that this "blog thing" is good for me and others as well. Not everybody is on board with that theory. I have been asked to "edit" what I am writing. There is a fear that I could cause some unnecessary drama. So I am supposed to edit my feelings and truths. While I do not want to cause any undo "drama", I do want to be able to speak freely. This angers me. Quite a bit actually. I have been put in a really tough spot here. I am not one to ignore others feelings. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions affect others. For the first time, I decided that I needed to do something for myself. And just so we are all clear...there is a TON of editing that happens. Not about my feelings, but I am very careful about how I put certain things out there. I think I do a pretty go job of it and I also feel it helps to keep me focused on what I am really writing about. Either way, I have to find a way to get around this. I have thought of no longer linking the blog to Facebook, changing my name or whatever. Then, what is the point? I have no idea how to go about this.
This whole thing is really bothering me. There are these mixed feelings of "how can you ask that of me?" and "I feel so bad. I don't want you to worry. I promise I'll stop.". If you know me at all, you know that this is tearing me up inside. I would be lying to you if I said I have never thought of just up and deserting my family (not MY own kids, hubby, etc). It seems it would just be easier that way. I am so different from them and for most of my life seem to cause them strife in one way or another. But I love my sisters so much and now they have children. Walking away has never really been an option. I do sometimes think it would be easier on them though. I am in a different place than they are. And I have never shared the same spot in the family as they have. That is not a woe is me statement, that's the truth and they will tell you the same. There are major differences in our relationships with our parents. I am from my mother's previous marriage. My sisters are both from her second marriage. I have never called my dad a "step" dad. He's just always been "dad". My existence is an awful reminder to both my mother and dad. My mom has admitted I am a mistake and that my face reminds her of someone she hates. I have been told that I ruined her life, her health, etc. I was a good kid, I have been told that. Not the ideal relationship, you see. I spent years protecting, making excuses for, lying about and mostly trying to please someone who would never be pleased with me. All this and so much more...stuffed, crammed inside of me. It hurt so bad. I edited a great deal here.
So one day, I decided, no more! I will exist, with or without your approval. I stopped trying to prove myself, to please. I accepted that this was my lot in life and was actually thankful for the strength I found in it. I couldn't be broken. I think that's what angers some the most. Now I am just "there". No more trying to please. I am who I am. What a release! Not everybody is comfortable with this.
I am not comfortable in being selfish. Which is what I think this is being taken as. It is not. I made choices for and because of love I had for two of the most special people in my life. To a certain extent, I have to let go. I hope there is enough love and understanding for this choice I am making. I hope. I honestly think this could be the most healthy choice of all.
Well, it's about time I get moving. We have to get ready for church. I have a feeling tears are inevitable this Sunday. Good Lord! I already look a wreck!
I cannot, however, ignore the outpouring support that made my cup runith over shortly after my blog posted. I know that it may be redundant, but I can't thank you enough. Your messages are personal, kind and so supportive. There is a wonderful exchange and I can't believe that we are able to touch each other's lives in such an amazing way. This is where I think technology excels. We are a busy society and sometimes it seems as though we have forgotten those small touches. You know, the human ones. But most of us sit down with or glance at a computer or phone at some point in the day and are instantly connected. We can share, send support or hello's, i.e." I am thinking of you" in an instant. We connect. That's important.
I mentioned yesterday that this week has been full of "rough" spots. I am still trying to process some of them and figure out how I want to deal with it all. I know that this "blog thing" is good for me and others as well. Not everybody is on board with that theory. I have been asked to "edit" what I am writing. There is a fear that I could cause some unnecessary drama. So I am supposed to edit my feelings and truths. While I do not want to cause any undo "drama", I do want to be able to speak freely. This angers me. Quite a bit actually. I have been put in a really tough spot here. I am not one to ignore others feelings. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions affect others. For the first time, I decided that I needed to do something for myself. And just so we are all clear...there is a TON of editing that happens. Not about my feelings, but I am very careful about how I put certain things out there. I think I do a pretty go job of it and I also feel it helps to keep me focused on what I am really writing about. Either way, I have to find a way to get around this. I have thought of no longer linking the blog to Facebook, changing my name or whatever. Then, what is the point? I have no idea how to go about this.
This whole thing is really bothering me. There are these mixed feelings of "how can you ask that of me?" and "I feel so bad. I don't want you to worry. I promise I'll stop.". If you know me at all, you know that this is tearing me up inside. I would be lying to you if I said I have never thought of just up and deserting my family (not MY own kids, hubby, etc). It seems it would just be easier that way. I am so different from them and for most of my life seem to cause them strife in one way or another. But I love my sisters so much and now they have children. Walking away has never really been an option. I do sometimes think it would be easier on them though. I am in a different place than they are. And I have never shared the same spot in the family as they have. That is not a woe is me statement, that's the truth and they will tell you the same. There are major differences in our relationships with our parents. I am from my mother's previous marriage. My sisters are both from her second marriage. I have never called my dad a "step" dad. He's just always been "dad". My existence is an awful reminder to both my mother and dad. My mom has admitted I am a mistake and that my face reminds her of someone she hates. I have been told that I ruined her life, her health, etc. I was a good kid, I have been told that. Not the ideal relationship, you see. I spent years protecting, making excuses for, lying about and mostly trying to please someone who would never be pleased with me. All this and so much more...stuffed, crammed inside of me. It hurt so bad. I edited a great deal here.
So one day, I decided, no more! I will exist, with or without your approval. I stopped trying to prove myself, to please. I accepted that this was my lot in life and was actually thankful for the strength I found in it. I couldn't be broken. I think that's what angers some the most. Now I am just "there". No more trying to please. I am who I am. What a release! Not everybody is comfortable with this.
I am not comfortable in being selfish. Which is what I think this is being taken as. It is not. I made choices for and because of love I had for two of the most special people in my life. To a certain extent, I have to let go. I hope there is enough love and understanding for this choice I am making. I hope. I honestly think this could be the most healthy choice of all.
Well, it's about time I get moving. We have to get ready for church. I have a feeling tears are inevitable this Sunday. Good Lord! I already look a wreck!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Painful Truth
So today has been one of those rough days. Actually the past week has been filled with rough moments, none relating to today's, but still, rough. As I sit here and write this, tears are making tracks on my face. Once again, none of this is going to be easy to write about, but I want to because you have let me know, I am not alone.
It started this afternoon. A man and his daughters came to our house to pick up a camper we sold to them. When they arrived, my son looked at them out the window and said, "mama, they are just like you". They were all overweight. I kinda looked down at him, not sure how to react. My husband and I went outside to greet them. I had to come back in to locate the papers and such. While I was frantically looking through the files for what I needed, my husband came down and informed me that he had to call our children in because they were outside talking about how fat they (our guests) all were. Now, my first reaction was shock. How could my children, how dare they, talk to or about anyone in such away. I was embarrassed. Secondly, did our guests hear what my nasty children were saying? (We don't think so). Apparently the kids were just talking about fat people and skinny people. I am hoping they weren't intending to be cruel. I'd like to think they know better and don't have it in them to be as such.
On with the day. I am in the beginning stages of a transformation. Chin up. Move on. And so I did. We had to attend our son's dinner for Cub Scouts. I tried to dress and make myself look and feel as good as I could. Reminding myself that it doesn't matter how I look. I am making changes and it will take time. Keep going. Then we walked into the gym where the dinner was being held. Tables were set up with tiny, rickety wooden chairs. Clearly, they did not see me coming. I reluctantly sat in one all the while praying that it wouldn't collapse beneath me. I was also trying to ignore that my jeans were just a bit uncomfortable. " It's OK there are several people in this room who love you, like you, no matter what. Hang in there. Next year at this dinner, no worries. You can do this." And then I looked around the room, searching for anyone in my situation. Nope. I was alone. I was the biggest one there. Then, this amazing thing happened. Mommy pride kicked in and I was able to put my worries in the back of my mind. That was my boy up there, getting awards, breaking records with friends, smiling. God, I love him. I love who I became because of him. That's my boy. I still worried about the chairs, but not as badly. I had more important things to focus on.
Now came the ride home. Somehow the topic of fat people came up again. I turned the radio off and said, "You know guys, besides it being hurtful to other people, you are hurting mommy and daddy too. Because being your mommy and daddy is the most important job we will ever have. When you say things that are unkind, we have to think that we are not doing our job properly. We are supposed to teach you many things. Being kind is one of them. You are right, mommy is fat and I am working on trying to become healthier so that I can feel good and be around for a long long time. But when someone tells you that you are fat, it is hurtful and not helpful. I know it makes me very sad." Then Emily had something to say. "Mommy, you know when you brought in my treats for Valentine's Day? Lauren said to me that you were really fat." All I could tell her was that I was sorry. And I am. This was the day I never wanted to happen. I never wanted and always feared that my children would be ashamed of me. I was her blemish. I am so very sorry. What else was I supposed to say?
So here I sit at the bottom of this very tall and intimidating mountain. I have every desire in the world to climb it. I would be lying if I said I am not feeling somewhat defeated at this moment. And yes, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am also wondering how I am ever going to accomplish this.
We all know that children can be cruel. But they are also honest. They haven't learned to sugar coat the truth to make it easier to swallow. I know my children love me in such a way I have never been loved before. I think that is why what they had to say hurt so much. I have let them down. I am past those days of just being their hero because I could kiss the boo boo away or make them laugh when really they wanted to cry.
Now my husband was sitting in the car beside me for this conversation. He said nothing to me. I know he knows this has to hurt. Nothing. I can't help but feel as though he is silently punishing me. I know that he thinks I could be doing more. MORE. I am trying. This is not easy and I am not sure he understands my approach. If you have never been in this situation, fat, I think it is very hard to understand what it is like. Tonight, in this house, I feel very isolated. I could really use a hug and some understanding. My pride won't let me ask for what I really need more than anything right now. So really, I am punishing myself. Partly because I am afraid of having to explain anything at all or having him think I am asking him to overlook my missteps. I don't want to hear how he thinks it should happen. I just want a hug. Just 'cause.
So, that was my day today. I need a hero.
It started this afternoon. A man and his daughters came to our house to pick up a camper we sold to them. When they arrived, my son looked at them out the window and said, "mama, they are just like you". They were all overweight. I kinda looked down at him, not sure how to react. My husband and I went outside to greet them. I had to come back in to locate the papers and such. While I was frantically looking through the files for what I needed, my husband came down and informed me that he had to call our children in because they were outside talking about how fat they (our guests) all were. Now, my first reaction was shock. How could my children, how dare they, talk to or about anyone in such away. I was embarrassed. Secondly, did our guests hear what my nasty children were saying? (We don't think so). Apparently the kids were just talking about fat people and skinny people. I am hoping they weren't intending to be cruel. I'd like to think they know better and don't have it in them to be as such.
On with the day. I am in the beginning stages of a transformation. Chin up. Move on. And so I did. We had to attend our son's dinner for Cub Scouts. I tried to dress and make myself look and feel as good as I could. Reminding myself that it doesn't matter how I look. I am making changes and it will take time. Keep going. Then we walked into the gym where the dinner was being held. Tables were set up with tiny, rickety wooden chairs. Clearly, they did not see me coming. I reluctantly sat in one all the while praying that it wouldn't collapse beneath me. I was also trying to ignore that my jeans were just a bit uncomfortable. " It's OK there are several people in this room who love you, like you, no matter what. Hang in there. Next year at this dinner, no worries. You can do this." And then I looked around the room, searching for anyone in my situation. Nope. I was alone. I was the biggest one there. Then, this amazing thing happened. Mommy pride kicked in and I was able to put my worries in the back of my mind. That was my boy up there, getting awards, breaking records with friends, smiling. God, I love him. I love who I became because of him. That's my boy. I still worried about the chairs, but not as badly. I had more important things to focus on.
Now came the ride home. Somehow the topic of fat people came up again. I turned the radio off and said, "You know guys, besides it being hurtful to other people, you are hurting mommy and daddy too. Because being your mommy and daddy is the most important job we will ever have. When you say things that are unkind, we have to think that we are not doing our job properly. We are supposed to teach you many things. Being kind is one of them. You are right, mommy is fat and I am working on trying to become healthier so that I can feel good and be around for a long long time. But when someone tells you that you are fat, it is hurtful and not helpful. I know it makes me very sad." Then Emily had something to say. "Mommy, you know when you brought in my treats for Valentine's Day? Lauren said to me that you were really fat." All I could tell her was that I was sorry. And I am. This was the day I never wanted to happen. I never wanted and always feared that my children would be ashamed of me. I was her blemish. I am so very sorry. What else was I supposed to say?
So here I sit at the bottom of this very tall and intimidating mountain. I have every desire in the world to climb it. I would be lying if I said I am not feeling somewhat defeated at this moment. And yes, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am also wondering how I am ever going to accomplish this.
We all know that children can be cruel. But they are also honest. They haven't learned to sugar coat the truth to make it easier to swallow. I know my children love me in such a way I have never been loved before. I think that is why what they had to say hurt so much. I have let them down. I am past those days of just being their hero because I could kiss the boo boo away or make them laugh when really they wanted to cry.
Now my husband was sitting in the car beside me for this conversation. He said nothing to me. I know he knows this has to hurt. Nothing. I can't help but feel as though he is silently punishing me. I know that he thinks I could be doing more. MORE. I am trying. This is not easy and I am not sure he understands my approach. If you have never been in this situation, fat, I think it is very hard to understand what it is like. Tonight, in this house, I feel very isolated. I could really use a hug and some understanding. My pride won't let me ask for what I really need more than anything right now. So really, I am punishing myself. Partly because I am afraid of having to explain anything at all or having him think I am asking him to overlook my missteps. I don't want to hear how he thinks it should happen. I just want a hug. Just 'cause.
So, that was my day today. I need a hero.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Warm Weather Blues
It's Friday. Good Friday. Which means I've been pretty busy getting ready for Easter. The weather has been simply gorgeous and made our annual Easter Egg Hunt for the children just about perfect yesterday. Today is another gorgeous day, could be a record breaker. This blossom of beautiful sunny weather, however, is making me anxious.
Warm weather, as you know, means less material to cover my body. This year is even more difficult as I have gained since last season. Actually, by the end of last season, I could have moved up a size. I broke my foot and injured my shoulder and clearly was not burning off nearly as many calories as usual. Also contributing this season's expansion was the fact that I had been very ill over the winter and it took some time for me to really get back to feeling and moving around like my old self again. So you see, the idea of having to go out and get larger clothing is making me ill, literally. Especially since last year, I had purchased new clothing (before the broken foot) a size smaller because I was close to being able to fit into it. Damn!
I DO NOT WANT TO BUY LARGER CLOTHES! I think I could seriously cry right now. Or anytime somebody talks about how warm and beautiful the weather is going to be. That nagging feeling that something is not right is impossible to ignore. I'm not right. I am fat.
Yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. We shared our mutual feelings about being overweight and were very honest with each other. She said something that has just been stuck in my head since. Now, I have previously stated that I am very much anti-diet, but pro change. She, however has dieted and with great success. Even though she continued speaking after she revealed to me that she had previously lost more than 130lbs, I was stuck on the "lost more than 130lbs" part. I just couldn't imagine what that loss must have felt like for her. I thought of myself 130lbs lighter and the clothes I could wear. How I would feel and carry myself. How pretty I would feel and look again. And the clothes (did I mention that?). So for a moment, I thought, "Maybe I should give this dieting thing a fair shake". But then she continued to speak and brought up my blog about my dieting feelings. She said that she understood why I felt this way (she did gain the weight back). That really,the diets do work, but if your mindset has not changed, your true eating habits won't either. Now here's what she said that really stuck, about being on a diet, counting calories, fat, points, etc., "it can be so imprisoning". She's right. It doesn't feel natural. In fact it is often a reminder of your imperfections. It can be a self inflicted punishment, sentence, if you will. And that is exactly what if feels like to me. Like I am being punished. I can't stand it.
I am sure there are some out there who would say, "Too bad. You did this too yourself." Really? I suppose, you are right. But do you seriously think I wake up in the morning and say, "how can I make myself more unattractive & unhealthy today?" That is not how it works. At least it didn't for me and so many others, I'm sure. For me it was a rapid, unexplained onset of weight that really took it's toll on me. Depression was inevitable. I was suddenly thrown into something I had never had to deal with before. I didn't deal with it. I guess secretly I was hoping that what ever happened to put all this extra weight on would happen again and it would all fall off. No such luck. There are also others out there that can explain their weight gain and their contributions to it (believe me, I know I contributed to mine as well). They didn't wake up in the morning and decide to destroy their bodies either. But it happens and it is painful.
There are many people who are healthy and eat healthy and treat their bodies well. There are also people who do everything "wrong" and still look amazing. How about those who do nothing at all and are the picture of health & beauty? It is not fair to judge. I know that my problem is that I just have not mastered discipline. At least when it comes to myself. Which is crazy because my husband has often said that if he and I had to go through boot camp, I would succeed and he would not. Because he knows that when there is any challenge before me, I bear down and get through it. He's right. Except, again, when it comes to myself. If it is broken, I will fix it. If I don't know how, I'll try anyway. If I am still unsuccessful, I'll ask for help then watch and learn for next time. I have always been like this. My dad calls me "Jack of all trades, Master of None". Not sure how that was meant, but I am fine with it because it's true. I am smart enough to know I don't need or have the time to master everything. So why is this so hard for me? I wish I knew. I want to master this. I really do because it is most beneficial to me to do so.
I know at the heart of it is my desire to do for everyone else. I am not trying to make myself sound wonderful, it's just what I know. I am not comfortable with putting myself first. I don't like it. Recently, I started to dabble in doing so and kinda got a bit of backlash from it. It went to a friend and explained what was happening. I didn't want to be insensitive to any one's feelings and was very torn. She very quickly responded with, "Too bad!" and went on to explain that for my entire life I have put the feelings and worries of others before mine without much, if any consideration from them to do the same for me. She also pointed out that this time, it isn't about them. She is right. That doesn't make it easy for me still, though. But I am noticing that when I stop "doing" , there are those that will get upset with me in one way or another. It's the ones closet to me, who want the best for me that stay the same no matter what. They love me just 'cause and that is a great feeling. So I guess this will have to be a type of boot camp challenge for me. To move forward and try not to be affected by what others may want from me instead. I am telling you, this will be tough because there are certain things that have always been expected of me. I always delivered. I simply can not afford to any longer.
I am finding that it's not "just" calories, fat, exercise that contribute to health. It is so much more. I guess we all know that to a certain extent. But I am amazed at how much my feelings, reactions and truths play into this. There is a lot to sort out. It's rather messy. But I am ready to be a dirty girl! I appreciate all of your comments and advise. I love to hear what you have to say or offer. I love the ongoing theme, that we are not alone. So, I guess I will have to go and get myself some new duds, like it or not. If I can even fit into last years, I don't think I need the added humiliation each time I have to get dressed, which I don't know about you, but I need to dress everyday! So maybe a couple of new outfits and some new hope is what I'll order up. Sunshine is too beautiful to hide from...and so is life! Ironically, the season of new life is upon us!
Happy Easter Everyone!
Warm weather, as you know, means less material to cover my body. This year is even more difficult as I have gained since last season. Actually, by the end of last season, I could have moved up a size. I broke my foot and injured my shoulder and clearly was not burning off nearly as many calories as usual. Also contributing this season's expansion was the fact that I had been very ill over the winter and it took some time for me to really get back to feeling and moving around like my old self again. So you see, the idea of having to go out and get larger clothing is making me ill, literally. Especially since last year, I had purchased new clothing (before the broken foot) a size smaller because I was close to being able to fit into it. Damn!
I DO NOT WANT TO BUY LARGER CLOTHES! I think I could seriously cry right now. Or anytime somebody talks about how warm and beautiful the weather is going to be. That nagging feeling that something is not right is impossible to ignore. I'm not right. I am fat.
Yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. We shared our mutual feelings about being overweight and were very honest with each other. She said something that has just been stuck in my head since. Now, I have previously stated that I am very much anti-diet, but pro change. She, however has dieted and with great success. Even though she continued speaking after she revealed to me that she had previously lost more than 130lbs, I was stuck on the "lost more than 130lbs" part. I just couldn't imagine what that loss must have felt like for her. I thought of myself 130lbs lighter and the clothes I could wear. How I would feel and carry myself. How pretty I would feel and look again. And the clothes (did I mention that?). So for a moment, I thought, "Maybe I should give this dieting thing a fair shake". But then she continued to speak and brought up my blog about my dieting feelings. She said that she understood why I felt this way (she did gain the weight back). That really,the diets do work, but if your mindset has not changed, your true eating habits won't either. Now here's what she said that really stuck, about being on a diet, counting calories, fat, points, etc., "it can be so imprisoning". She's right. It doesn't feel natural. In fact it is often a reminder of your imperfections. It can be a self inflicted punishment, sentence, if you will. And that is exactly what if feels like to me. Like I am being punished. I can't stand it.
I am sure there are some out there who would say, "Too bad. You did this too yourself." Really? I suppose, you are right. But do you seriously think I wake up in the morning and say, "how can I make myself more unattractive & unhealthy today?" That is not how it works. At least it didn't for me and so many others, I'm sure. For me it was a rapid, unexplained onset of weight that really took it's toll on me. Depression was inevitable. I was suddenly thrown into something I had never had to deal with before. I didn't deal with it. I guess secretly I was hoping that what ever happened to put all this extra weight on would happen again and it would all fall off. No such luck. There are also others out there that can explain their weight gain and their contributions to it (believe me, I know I contributed to mine as well). They didn't wake up in the morning and decide to destroy their bodies either. But it happens and it is painful.
There are many people who are healthy and eat healthy and treat their bodies well. There are also people who do everything "wrong" and still look amazing. How about those who do nothing at all and are the picture of health & beauty? It is not fair to judge. I know that my problem is that I just have not mastered discipline. At least when it comes to myself. Which is crazy because my husband has often said that if he and I had to go through boot camp, I would succeed and he would not. Because he knows that when there is any challenge before me, I bear down and get through it. He's right. Except, again, when it comes to myself. If it is broken, I will fix it. If I don't know how, I'll try anyway. If I am still unsuccessful, I'll ask for help then watch and learn for next time. I have always been like this. My dad calls me "Jack of all trades, Master of None". Not sure how that was meant, but I am fine with it because it's true. I am smart enough to know I don't need or have the time to master everything. So why is this so hard for me? I wish I knew. I want to master this. I really do because it is most beneficial to me to do so.
I know at the heart of it is my desire to do for everyone else. I am not trying to make myself sound wonderful, it's just what I know. I am not comfortable with putting myself first. I don't like it. Recently, I started to dabble in doing so and kinda got a bit of backlash from it. It went to a friend and explained what was happening. I didn't want to be insensitive to any one's feelings and was very torn. She very quickly responded with, "Too bad!" and went on to explain that for my entire life I have put the feelings and worries of others before mine without much, if any consideration from them to do the same for me. She also pointed out that this time, it isn't about them. She is right. That doesn't make it easy for me still, though. But I am noticing that when I stop "doing" , there are those that will get upset with me in one way or another. It's the ones closet to me, who want the best for me that stay the same no matter what. They love me just 'cause and that is a great feeling. So I guess this will have to be a type of boot camp challenge for me. To move forward and try not to be affected by what others may want from me instead. I am telling you, this will be tough because there are certain things that have always been expected of me. I always delivered. I simply can not afford to any longer.
I am finding that it's not "just" calories, fat, exercise that contribute to health. It is so much more. I guess we all know that to a certain extent. But I am amazed at how much my feelings, reactions and truths play into this. There is a lot to sort out. It's rather messy. But I am ready to be a dirty girl! I appreciate all of your comments and advise. I love to hear what you have to say or offer. I love the ongoing theme, that we are not alone. So, I guess I will have to go and get myself some new duds, like it or not. If I can even fit into last years, I don't think I need the added humiliation each time I have to get dressed, which I don't know about you, but I need to dress everyday! So maybe a couple of new outfits and some new hope is what I'll order up. Sunshine is too beautiful to hide from...and so is life! Ironically, the season of new life is upon us!
Happy Easter Everyone!
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