Feeling sexy is: walking into your local Tractor Supply store, dressed for a fancy evening out. Whoa Doggie! Did we turn heads! Felt good! Damn good! I knew what they were all thinking...men were drooling as I reached up to select the proper air filter for my lawn tractor (without any help). In their minds, they were watching in slow motion. Darn! I should have shaken my sexy hair for them as I pulled the filter from it's peg. All this attention made me fergit my big girl status for a bit. Seriously though. I knew what they were all really thinking. "What in tarnation?!? Somebody help those folks. They're lost and think this is one of dem there cute little novelty shops!"
That is not how we intended our evening to play out. There was an installation dinner being held for our fire company. For as long as I have been a member, it has always been held at a nearby country club. Not this year. And somehow, I missed the change. Which is crazy, because change doesn't happen easily or without a lot of noise there. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful organization filled with compassionate and courageous people, but, as in most the same, what is done (for the most part!) is always done the same! So, after hubby dropped me off at the pretty big white doors, I waited outside for him to return to me after parking the car. As he approached, I noticed him, really noticed him. He was walking towards me, one hand in his pocket. which pushed his jacket to the side and I thought to myself, "I am a lucky girl." And it was that moment right there that determined how the rest of the evening would play out.
Together, we walked in and I was hit with an odd feeling. Where were all my girls? The men? Scanning the room, nothing was familiar. We asked a staff member about our party and he informed us that it was not there. Walking out the big pretty white doors my mind was spinning. "Think! Think! What was said, what did you miss?" I knew that we had the date right. There had been a lot of chatter leading up to tonight. I assured Jim that, yes! It is tonight, people were posting like mad about it on Facebook. I called the only cell number I could remember at that point and of course no answer. How could she answer over all the laughter, conversation and with a drink in her hand? Come on! I know...call home(to check the machine)...darn it! Emily must have left the phone off the hook after calling Dzia to confirm their plans for the evening. Smart girl. Confirm your plans! So that was it. We were done. Going home to check the pile of mail for the newsletter (I never read) that could contain the location of this most special event was out of the question, since it would make us too late.
"Where do you want to go for dinner?" James asks me. "I am sorry." I tell him. "For what?" he replies. "For not paying more attention. What about Olive Garden?". As deflated as we both felt that our plans fell through, we both knew we couldn't let this evening go to waste. The kids were staying over at their Bousha & Dzia Dzia's (Grandparents) house overnight. We were free! The headache I had been nursing all day had gone away and we were both exhausted from the week's work and such, but going home was not an option. Besides, we were both all gussied up!
As we were about to pass it , we decided to drop off two old tractor batteries that we in the car at Tractor Supply. I had been working on getting our lawn tractors up and running this week. I also needed a new air filter. As I previously stated, it was a pretty humorous event. I was paying for the multi-tool we found for Ethan and new ball for the hitch when I suddenly realize, "I forgot the filter!". Jim says, "I'll get the car." This is how our marriage runs. I'm Mrs. Fixit and he's my Mr. I"ll Dowhateveryouneedjusttellme. It works. So off I went to the isle to retrieve my filter, where I helped another gentleman pick his out, paid for my newest item and left. Knowing that the whole time the guy at the register was scratching his head over our visit.
On our way to OG, we were joking about our trip to TS. I commented on how over my past few visits there this week, I observed several people with an accent, the southern type. I wondered why. This made Jim slip into his "farmer Jim" accent. I told him how nice I thought he looked tonight and commented that people in the store were wondering how I ever snagged him. He laughed and reminded me that he always has thought I was well out of his league. Jokingly, I said, "Yep! And so you made me fat so you never had to worry about another looker!" In the "Farmer Jim" accent, he replied, "Yeah, I like my women like I like my farm animals. Fat and happy!" We both laughed. And this is so not true! We both know I outweigh him by quite a bit (bastard that can eat anything!) and this is something he never imagined he would desire. But I was able to laugh with him about it. He loves me. No matter what. I was becoming more comfortable in my own skin. The hate for myself, my body is disappearing. And while that shows nothing on the scale, it shows a lot for my image of my self worth.
That has been happening more and more over the past month or so. Getting dressed is not as hard as it used to be. Acceptance. Knowing that I am changing. Understanding that it will take time. Acceptance even as I look in the mirror. It's all good.
So we went to Olive Garden. We talked without any interruptions other than our waitress checking in to see that we had everything we needed. There was real conversation (no spelling out words, editing, implying). Real listening. Real understanding. Refocus and re-center. Remarkably, the same thing had been on both of our minds lately. It was an event that happened last fall and we both had been thinking about it. It wasn't anything between us, but something that hurt us both deeply. We reassured each other and enjoyed our meal together. In the end, I knew we really do get each other.
What could have been a disastrous evening, turned out to be something quite wonderful and truly needed. Life is funny that way sometimes. Last night we just rolled with the punches and everything was alright. Starting with the moment my DH was walking toward me and I noted what a lucky girl I was. I am.