It's Friday. Good Friday. Which means I've been pretty busy getting ready for Easter. The weather has been simply gorgeous and made our annual Easter Egg Hunt for the children just about perfect yesterday. Today is another gorgeous day, could be a record breaker. This blossom of beautiful sunny weather, however, is making me anxious.
Warm weather, as you know, means less material to cover my body. This year is even more difficult as I have gained since last season. Actually, by the end of last season, I could have moved up a size. I broke my foot and injured my shoulder and clearly was not burning off nearly as many calories as usual. Also contributing this season's expansion was the fact that I had been very ill over the winter and it took some time for me to really get back to feeling and moving around like my old self again. So you see, the idea of having to go out and get larger clothing is making me ill, literally. Especially since last year, I had purchased new clothing (before the broken foot) a size smaller because I was close to being able to fit into it. Damn!
I DO NOT WANT TO BUY LARGER CLOTHES! I think I could seriously cry right now. Or anytime somebody talks about how warm and beautiful the weather is going to be. That nagging feeling that something is not right is impossible to ignore. I'm not right. I am fat.
Yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. We shared our mutual feelings about being overweight and were very honest with each other. She said something that has just been stuck in my head since. Now, I have previously stated that I am very much anti-diet, but pro change. She, however has dieted and with great success. Even though she continued speaking after she revealed to me that she had previously lost more than 130lbs, I was stuck on the "lost more than 130lbs" part. I just couldn't imagine what that loss must have felt like for her. I thought of myself 130lbs lighter and the clothes I could wear. How I would feel and carry myself. How pretty I would feel and look again. And the clothes (did I mention that?). So for a moment, I thought, "Maybe I should give this dieting thing a fair shake". But then she continued to speak and brought up my blog about my dieting feelings. She said that she understood why I felt this way (she did gain the weight back). That really,the diets do work, but if your mindset has not changed, your true eating habits won't either. Now here's what she said that really stuck, about being on a diet, counting calories, fat, points, etc., "it can be so imprisoning". She's right. It doesn't feel natural. In fact it is often a reminder of your imperfections. It can be a self inflicted punishment, sentence, if you will. And that is exactly what if feels like to me. Like I am being punished. I can't stand it.
I am sure there are some out there who would say, "Too bad. You did this too yourself." Really? I suppose, you are right. But do you seriously think I wake up in the morning and say, "how can I make myself more unattractive & unhealthy today?" That is not how it works. At least it didn't for me and so many others, I'm sure. For me it was a rapid, unexplained onset of weight that really took it's toll on me. Depression was inevitable. I was suddenly thrown into something I had never had to deal with before. I didn't deal with it. I guess secretly I was hoping that what ever happened to put all this extra weight on would happen again and it would all fall off. No such luck. There are also others out there that can explain their weight gain and their contributions to it (believe me, I know I contributed to mine as well). They didn't wake up in the morning and decide to destroy their bodies either. But it happens and it is painful.
There are many people who are healthy and eat healthy and treat their bodies well. There are also people who do everything "wrong" and still look amazing. How about those who do nothing at all and are the picture of health & beauty? It is not fair to judge. I know that my problem is that I just have not mastered discipline. At least when it comes to myself. Which is crazy because my husband has often said that if he and I had to go through boot camp, I would succeed and he would not. Because he knows that when there is any challenge before me, I bear down and get through it. He's right. Except, again, when it comes to myself. If it is broken, I will fix it. If I don't know how, I'll try anyway. If I am still unsuccessful, I'll ask for help then watch and learn for next time. I have always been like this. My dad calls me "Jack of all trades, Master of None". Not sure how that was meant, but I am fine with it because it's true. I am smart enough to know I don't need or have the time to master everything. So why is this so hard for me? I wish I knew. I want to master this. I really do because it is most beneficial to me to do so.
I know at the heart of it is my desire to do for everyone else. I am not trying to make myself sound wonderful, it's just what I know. I am not comfortable with putting myself first. I don't like it. Recently, I started to dabble in doing so and kinda got a bit of backlash from it. It went to a friend and explained what was happening. I didn't want to be insensitive to any one's feelings and was very torn. She very quickly responded with, "Too bad!" and went on to explain that for my entire life I have put the feelings and worries of others before mine without much, if any consideration from them to do the same for me. She also pointed out that this time, it isn't about them. She is right. That doesn't make it easy for me still, though. But I am noticing that when I stop "doing" , there are those that will get upset with me in one way or another. It's the ones closet to me, who want the best for me that stay the same no matter what. They love me just 'cause and that is a great feeling. So I guess this will have to be a type of boot camp challenge for me. To move forward and try not to be affected by what others may want from me instead. I am telling you, this will be tough because there are certain things that have always been expected of me. I always delivered. I simply can not afford to any longer.
I am finding that it's not "just" calories, fat, exercise that contribute to health. It is so much more. I guess we all know that to a certain extent. But I am amazed at how much my feelings, reactions and truths play into this. There is a lot to sort out. It's rather messy. But I am ready to be a dirty girl! I appreciate all of your comments and advise. I love to hear what you have to say or offer. I love the ongoing theme, that we are not alone. So, I guess I will have to go and get myself some new duds, like it or not. If I can even fit into last years, I don't think I need the added humiliation each time I have to get dressed, which I don't know about you, but I need to dress everyday! So maybe a couple of new outfits and some new hope is what I'll order up. Sunshine is too beautiful to hide from...and so is life! Ironically, the season of new life is upon us!
Happy Easter Everyone!