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Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I have sinned. First, I never got to my workout last night. I was sore and exhausted and when I stood up to get to it, I walked directly upstairs and went to bed. Somebody left laundry hanging on the lines all around my elliptical machine and the thought of taking them down and folding them was exhausting. Pathetic...I know. I still haven't gotten a workout in today either. Unless you count getting 3 children dressed, fed and out the door for school a workout. Not to mention the two extra car seats I had to install in the car to take 4 children shopping with me. 2 stores, in the car, out of the car, in the car, out of the car, in the car, out of the car. And then there is the hauling of the groceries. Oh, lets not forget he potty dance. You know the one. I consider that an exercise, two in fact, keegles(toning), to stop yourself from peeing your pants and the dance you do at the same time while trying to get the children settled and that "one more thing" done (cardio) before you make the mad dash to the bathroom to get your pants down just in time (maybe). I get it. None of that counts.

Then came the cupcakes. Everything was fine. Damn bakery. Veggies in the cart, milk, eggs, you know the stuff. Then, I made the wrong turn. There they were in their perfect packaging. Pretty pink and yellow frosting with sprinkles on top of chocolate cupcakes. They were beautiful. Walk away...walk away...NO! And then they were in the cart. I told myself they would make a great treat for the kids. Except that I would have to split 6 cupcakes between 8 children. You do the math. They stayed in the cart. I bought them. Then came the stress. I had to use the self checkout, with 4 children "helping". The "lady" in the scanner kept telling me to remove the item, place the items in and then she wouldn't take my $100 bill. I was starting to get a bit anxious because I needed to make it home in time for another child to be dropped off. Despite the anxiety that was racing through my body, some woman commented on how patient I was. HA! Yeah, I'm THAT good!

So what happened? Someone came to help, I got my change, packed the kids and the groceries in the car and ate 2 (TWO) cupcakes on the way home. What is wrong with me? I can tell you that I could have had nuts, fruit, water, but...NOPE! I ate the cupcakes. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I understand that they should have never gone into the cart to begin with. I don't even know what to say or how to make sure that never happens again. I am so frustrated. We are in the Easter week. I won't deny my children Easter treats because mommy can't handle having them around the house. Honestly, I can have that stuff around the house any other time and it doesn't bother me. I won't touch it. But, once I know it's off limits, forget it! What am I supposed to do? I am not giving up. But I need a new strategy. I am so disappointed.

I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Angry, actually. Discouraged. I promised I would be honest. There is no point in doing this if I am not. For me, in this moment is what it means to be fat. Failure, regret and feeling overwhelmed about the task before me. Today has not been my best day.


  1. First order of buisiness; no beating yourself up. That allows it to become a catastrophe. It was two cupcakes, it happened, move on. Back to the day. Secondly: plan some sort of treat for yourself every day. Thirdly: I miss workouts too and I eat cupcakes. Ages ago I would have thrown up. Today I let it go. There is only so much we can carry and juggle. Fourth: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE HUMAN. We know there are children in the world who are suffering but beating ourselves up and reprimanding ourselves .... how will that help? One step at a time. Good work!

  2. I've been in a state of anger, too. Luckily the sun is shining allowing me to feel a bit better even when I feel like ass. Medicine has to be in the system, but medicine in the system is wreaking havoc on my stomach (and here I thought it was a virus).

    We're gonna do this, Rachel. Yes, we are!