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Thursday, March 25, 2010


Yes! A major hurtle today! It is 11am and I have finished working out for the day! I almost gave into the laundry, dishes and anything else that I have to accomplish daily. And guess what? All the dishes and laundry are still there waiting for me. They are always waiting for me. They are, perhaps, more loyal than my puppies.

I could not sit here and write about another inevitable obstacle. I already established that we are busy. The focus remains on how to deal with obstacles as they arise. I already informed the hubby last night that he was gonna have to deal with the yard work this year (I usually do it because I feel I am at home and should) on his own. I simply told him that he can have himself a real nice piece of arm candy and so much more, if only I could find more time for myself.

Time. Something so precious and taken for granted. I can't help but sit here and wonder how many things in life I have missed out on because I was so uncomfortable in my own body. Too tired, too embarrassed. It's not like I sat in a corner. I had fun ( I am the first one to poke fun at my own short comings. Just to put them out there.). But I did limit myself. I actually took, stole, time from myself by not giving it to myself to begin with. Ironic. There were times I found myself making excuses not to go somewhere just because the thought of having to dress this mess and make it look good was too much. Often too depressing as well.

I have never been considered ugly, by any means. I am still told that I am beautiful. Yeah, yeah...I know, I've got great eyes too. I've heard it enough to know that there must be some truth to it. But, oh the ugly fat. I know my husband loves me, no matter what, and my children too. But it is so unbelievably hard to understand that under all this guilt and disgust. The way I look, the weight, is something that is on my mind ALL THE TIME! It never leaves my side. I guess you could say those thoughts are as loyal as my laundry and dishes! It is forever nagging me, reminding me of how imperfect I am, how I have failed myself. How my husband deserves better, my children and of course myself. The let downs, the underwear I wish I could wear again, but won't. Simply because I think you just shouldn't after a certain weight and of course, they could get lost! There is just not enough material! Seriously though, it is a hard reality to have on your mind all day, every day. I know that everybody has something imperfect about themselves, but big, fat, overweight, obese, or whatever you want to call us people wear it every day, for everyone to see. There is no hiding it. It is not something we can battle privately without the world knowing about it. Which is what can make taking on that battle such a daunting task. If we aren't successful, everybody knows and we have to deal with, not only failing ourselves, but everyone knowing we failed.

This is why this blog is important to me. I have been fortunate in my life to know what being thin was without worry and now, for sometime I have known fat. I think it is important to acknowledge how it is that I got here and to share it with you honestly. I know how scary it can be to hold so much in. How alone it can be. As much as I want peace for myself, I want it for everyone struggling as well. Time is precious and we should all enjoy it while we can, because we can. So, go and enjoy~


  1. I absolutley know how you feel sister. It doesn't matter if you are overweight, underweight, or normal, when you are uncomfortable in your body it IS with you all of the time. From the time I was 10-20 I battled horribly with Bulimia to the point of a sudden cardiac arrest at age 20. I..... just like you....... decided it was time to wake up and start to live. You are not alone in this journey!

  2. Mary~You are right, it isn't just about being overweight. Thank you for making that point. I have to admit that what you just revealed shocked me,I had no idea. You are even a greater role model to me now. To look at what you have become, you must be so proud! Proud Mary!!! Thank you so much for sharing that.