I have been sitting here struggling to get the first sentence of this latest post down. I know why I am struggling. It's because I have to admit, once again that I haven't accomplished much. I thought about not writing at all, but that would be hiding from the facts. I don't hide. In fairness to myself and those I am able to reach out to, I have to say it like it is. Because, as so many of you have let me know, I am not alone. And you are reading this, so you want to know. The good and the bad.
Today was one of those days where having a plan would have benefited me greatly. We had an appointment at 10am. About an hour away. We knew we were taking 4 children with us (3 & under) and were to get 3 children on the bus, wait for the others to arrive and leave. What I did not anticipate was that the children we needed to get here in order for us to leave, would be dropped off later than usual. This made us about 45 min late for our appointment. Which, in turn, royally messed with the rest of our day.
So, no exercise, not enough water or food. But, guess what? The kids all had milk, granola bars as well as other snacks to keep them satisfied and happy. Funny, huh? I was so focused on making sure we could get through this appointment with 4 small happy children, that I forgot, again, about what I would need.
Okay, but there is some good news. I learned some things. Our long ride gave my husband and I a chance to *Gasp!* talk! We talked about this blog and my plans, disappointments, etc. He pointed out that my (weight loss) success would greatly depend on preparation for several days ahead, instead of just one. Because we are simply too busy. He's right. It's like I have been setting myself up for failure without realizing it. I have to plan more than one day ahead of time. Also, I can not expect myself to work-out in the evening hours. There are just too many activities, homework, dinner...you know. I am just too tired at the end of the day right now making it easier to not do it.
I am sure some of this may seem so simple and obvious. You have to realize, it took me months...MONTHS to remember to take a daily pill, everyday. It was anti-anxiety medication. Trust me when I tell you, that is NOT the pill to randomly take when you remember! The wonderful thing is that I am a creature of habit. Once I have established a routine, I rarely stray from it. Because then I can't sleep (thanks to OCD). So if I can just get past the first few weeks, even, to establish a new, healthier routine. Then I'll let that good old OCD kick in. Sometimes (being Catholic), I like to call it Obsessive Catholic Disorder. Either way you look at it, there is great guilt: I know I locked that door. Did I lock that door? Yes! You locked that door! Are you sure you shouldn't check one more time? NO! I think I locked that door. Just in case you were wondering...I ALWAYS get up and check the door or whatever gets stuck in the loop in my head! The point is that I should be able to set a routine and if I can stick to it in the short run, it should stick for the long haul, as well.
I know that on the scale, I haven't made any progress as of yet. But that's alright for me. In the past 5 days, I have learned so much that I know I am paving a successful path for myself. This is not about trying to lose weight for a special occasion that comes once on the calendar and passes. This is a lifetime commitment for me. For ME. Not the dress, the wedding, reunion, vacation, etc. I am learning that in order to make this journey, I have to be willing to examine, work hard and be honest, to myself. My friends will tell you that I am an honest person. I have been lying to myself for a long time. No more.
Posting my weight was such a release. But, that can't be enough. I have to keep going and facing these obstacles, head on. I also need to learn from them. What they mean to me, why they are there and how much more power I am willing to give them. I am learning that an obstacle gains it's power and intimidation from the excuses we lay before them each time we turn and walk away in their presence. I am done feeding the obstacle machine. I have stomped on, run through and cleared so many larger obstacles in my life. I can do this!