I can't believe I am doing this (blogging). But I have to because the other day I experienced an epiphany. While at the shoe store the other day, I saw this girl helping her toddler son try on a pair of shoes. She was big. She was me. It was a mirror across from where I stood. Inside, I was mortified. Who is that? What happened? More importantly, how could I let that happen?
Now I could go on with a list of explanations, excuses, medical issues, etc. But, in the end, it's (I can't believe, I am going to say this) a loss. A loss of control. Control. Something I pride myself on. Or should I say burden myself with. What a joke.
So, in the car on this beautiful sunny day, my head started to spin. Thinking about what this FAT really means to me. About the perception that overweight people are hiding something in all that jiggles. I am not hiding, I am lost. So lost that I no longer recognize this person in the mirror. Why? Because I stopped looking, stopped acknowledging what was happening. However, because you don't look, doesn't mean you don't feel. I know what it feels like to walk in a room and wonder where you can sit most comfortably, not to mention wondering if you'll break the chair. Just trying to figure out what to wear (although, I realize this is tough for most women) can be so stressful. Pictures? Ha! There is no hiding from a camera. Fat is fat. It hurts. I love this warm spring weather, but the thought of having to wear short sleeves, shorts, etc. gives me anxiety. Real anxiety.
Putting it out there. That's what I am doing, what I will continue to do. I am going to find health in the truth. For as long as I can remember, secrets are what ruled my life. Nothing good can come in the silence of the secrets I have held. A month ago I wrote a letter. It was to a friend who was struggling. When I say this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, please understand, it is NOT an expression, I mean it. I had to write, on paper, things that I experienced as a child, teen and adult. It was raw for me. IT WAS ON PAPER!!! Never to be taken back. It was out there. But, I had to do it. It was for the safety of a child. "It" was only a portion of my experiences and "it" shook me. And then it empowered me. It forced me to take a look at all the good I had accomplished despite my story.
A long time ago, I decided that I was not going to let what happened to me define me. I was not going to be labeled and was not willing to label myself. So quiet, I kept. What I didn't realize is that it did define me. In wonderful ways. In conquering ways. I am strong. I acknowledge what I have overcome, what I have faced and still face today. I will not give these acts strength in talking about them. I will give myself strength in knowing I overcame them.
Just as writing that letter set me free in some ways, I hope to let my blog on this new journey do the same. I intend to put all my struggles with this weight battle out there. In hopes of lending support as well as finding it. I know I am not alone. These feelings I have, of being overweight can't be kept a secret any longer. Because, in the end these fat secrets I've been keeping, could kill me. THIS is something I CAN control. This body is a gift, that gave birth to 3 beautiful gifts. How can I disrespect it any longer? Wish me luck!