After an emotional evening last night, I sit here with some serious bags under my eyes. I am still waiting for that much needed hug from you know who. I am wondering if he really even realizes what occurred yesterday. Seriously though, how could he not? I don't want that whole awkward confrontational moment either. Just a hug and "you can do this" would be nice. I don't want and shouldn't have to ask. Over. Done with. Oh well.
I cannot, however, ignore the outpouring support that made my cup runith over shortly after my blog posted. I know that it may be redundant, but I can't thank you enough. Your messages are personal, kind and so supportive. There is a wonderful exchange and I can't believe that we are able to touch each other's lives in such an amazing way. This is where I think technology excels. We are a busy society and sometimes it seems as though we have forgotten those small touches. You know, the human ones. But most of us sit down with or glance at a computer or phone at some point in the day and are instantly connected. We can share, send support or hello's, i.e." I am thinking of you" in an instant. We connect. That's important.
I mentioned yesterday that this week has been full of "rough" spots. I am still trying to process some of them and figure out how I want to deal with it all. I know that this "blog thing" is good for me and others as well. Not everybody is on board with that theory. I have been asked to "edit" what I am writing. There is a fear that I could cause some unnecessary drama. So I am supposed to edit my feelings and truths. While I do not want to cause any undo "drama", I do want to be able to speak freely. This angers me. Quite a bit actually. I have been put in a really tough spot here. I am not one to ignore others feelings. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions affect others. For the first time, I decided that I needed to do something for myself. And just so we are all clear...there is a TON of editing that happens. Not about my feelings, but I am very careful about how I put certain things out there. I think I do a pretty go job of it and I also feel it helps to keep me focused on what I am really writing about. Either way, I have to find a way to get around this. I have thought of no longer linking the blog to Facebook, changing my name or whatever. Then, what is the point? I have no idea how to go about this.
This whole thing is really bothering me. There are these mixed feelings of "how can you ask that of me?" and "I feel so bad. I don't want you to worry. I promise I'll stop.". If you know me at all, you know that this is tearing me up inside. I would be lying to you if I said I have never thought of just up and deserting my family (not MY own kids, hubby, etc). It seems it would just be easier that way. I am so different from them and for most of my life seem to cause them strife in one way or another. But I love my sisters so much and now they have children. Walking away has never really been an option. I do sometimes think it would be easier on them though. I am in a different place than they are. And I have never shared the same spot in the family as they have. That is not a woe is me statement, that's the truth and they will tell you the same. There are major differences in our relationships with our parents. I am from my mother's previous marriage. My sisters are both from her second marriage. I have never called my dad a "step" dad. He's just always been "dad". My existence is an awful reminder to both my mother and dad. My mom has admitted I am a mistake and that my face reminds her of someone she hates. I have been told that I ruined her life, her health, etc. I was a good kid, I have been told that. Not the ideal relationship, you see. I spent years protecting, making excuses for, lying about and mostly trying to please someone who would never be pleased with me. All this and so much more...stuffed, crammed inside of me. It hurt so bad. I edited a great deal here.
So one day, I decided, no more! I will exist, with or without your approval. I stopped trying to prove myself, to please. I accepted that this was my lot in life and was actually thankful for the strength I found in it. I couldn't be broken. I think that's what angers some the most. Now I am just "there". No more trying to please. I am who I am. What a release! Not everybody is comfortable with this.
I am not comfortable in being selfish. Which is what I think this is being taken as. It is not. I made choices for and because of love I had for two of the most special people in my life. To a certain extent, I have to let go. I hope there is enough love and understanding for this choice I am making. I hope. I honestly think this could be the most healthy choice of all.
Well, it's about time I get moving. We have to get ready for church. I have a feeling tears are inevitable this Sunday. Good Lord! I already look a wreck!