Temptations

I have sinned. First, I never got to my workout last night. I was sore and exhausted and when I stood up to get to it, I walked directly upstairs and went to bed. Somebody left laundry hanging on the lines all around my elliptical machine and the thought of taking them down and folding them was exhausting. Pathetic...I know. I still haven't gotten a workout in today either. Unless you count getting 3 children dressed, fed and out the door for school a workout. Not to mention the two extra car seats I had to install in the car to take 4 children shopping with me. 2 stores, in the car, out of the car, in the car, out of the car, in the car, out of the car. And then there is the hauling of the groceries. Oh, lets not forget he potty dance. You know the one. I consider that an exercise, two in fact, keegles(toning), to stop yourself from peeing your pants and the dance you do at the same time while trying to get the children settled and that "one more thing" done (cardio) before you make the mad dash to the bathroom to get your pants down just in time (maybe). I get it. None of that counts.

Then came the cupcakes. Everything was fine. Damn bakery. Veggies in the cart, milk, eggs, you know the stuff. Then, I made the wrong turn. There they were in their perfect packaging. Pretty pink and yellow frosting with sprinkles on top of chocolate cupcakes. They were beautiful. Walk away...walk away...NO! And then they were in the cart. I told myself they would make a great treat for the kids. Except that I would have to split 6 cupcakes between 8 children. You do the math. They stayed in the cart. I bought them. Then came the stress. I had to use the self checkout, with 4 children "helping". The "lady" in the scanner kept telling me to remove the item, place the items in and then she wouldn't take my $100 bill. I was starting to get a bit anxious because I needed to make it home in time for another child to be dropped off. Despite the anxiety that was racing through my body, some woman commented on how patient I was. HA! Yeah, I'm THAT good!

So what happened? Someone came to help, I got my change, packed the kids and the groceries in the car and ate 2 (TWO) cupcakes on the way home. What is wrong with me? I can tell you that I could have had nuts, fruit, water, but...NOPE! I ate the cupcakes. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I understand that they should have never gone into the cart to begin with. I don't even know what to say or how to make sure that never happens again. I am so frustrated. We are in the Easter week. I won't deny my children Easter treats because mommy can't handle having them around the house. Honestly, I can have that stuff around the house any other time and it doesn't bother me. I won't touch it. But, once I know it's off limits, forget it! What am I supposed to do? I am not giving up. But I need a new strategy. I am so disappointed.

I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Angry, actually. Discouraged. I promised I would be honest. There is no point in doing this if I am not. For me, in this moment is what it means to be fat. Failure, regret and feeling overwhelmed about the task before me. Today has not been my best day.

Making the Goal

It's been a perfectly cloudy, gloomy day and I am struggling to find some motivation. Part of my trouble is that when rain is in the air, I am achy and stiff for a day or two. Oh the knees! I dread the stairs and walking behind slow moving children, pets and husband is painful, especially if they stop suddenly....uhg!~

It is also a new week and I want to show a loss at the end, so I will have to dig deep for that motivation. I still need to work on the water intake. I have no problem getting my fruits in, but the daily veggies are tough. I can't wait to get the garden started. There is nothing better than standing in the garden snacking on nature's gifts. Until then, I will have to make a point of having a better variety prepared. Celery has been awful lately, so I am counting that out. Cucumbers and some sweet peppers sound good to me!

I had a friend write me and give me a good pointer. She told me to make small, attainable goals and that once I reached that goal to immediately set another one. I have been thinking about what that goal could be. Currently there are three I am choosing between: drink 64 oz. of water each day for a week, lose 5 lbs or go for the gusto and strive for 10lbs. Honestly, I am hoping to go for the water and lose 5 lbs anyway! Seriously though, what a great idea. We all get so hung up on those goals that are absolutely obtainable, but discouraging because they can seem so overwhelming as a whole. Break it up, tackle it little by little and reward yourself with the satisfaction that you are reaching a goal, several little ones that will eventually add up to a fantastically large achievement in the end. Brilliant! I love that tip! Thanks Cortney!

I have to admit that I am still very bothered by how awkward yoga felt to me the other day. It surely didn't do a whole lot for my body image. I still felt wonderful in the end, but very sad. I try not to think about it, but there is this nagging feeling that I can't shake. I hate that. The plus is that since I decided to be so open about everything, it's not as heavy of a feeling as it used to be. Progress. I'll take it. To help me see the progress, I measured myself the other day as well. I am hoping that when the pounds aren't sliding off the way I'd like them to, I can measure myself and hopefully see some gain there. Always good to have a back up plan. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I can think about Emily's communion in May and know that I will be smaller then and for June and the year end concerts, etc...Who knows what will be left of me this time next year!

I remember, in my younger, healthier days, I would see one of those commercials on TV. The pretty girl would have a number like 115 lbs with a circle around it. It was the amount of weight she had lost on some amazing program. I would think, "Oh my God! She lost a person!". Little did I know that would be me someday. I can't wait to "lose a person" for the simple reason that it will no longer be so predominately on my mind. I can't imagine what that will feel like. One day at a time, I have to keep reminding myself. I am anxious for the day I can carry the bag of dog food in and say to myself, "HEY! You lost all this!" Just to look at the size of the 50# bag and lift it's weight. What a day that will be. I even thought about saving all the gallon milk jugs, filling one with water each time I lose 9# and stacking them in the garage, just to see what it looks like. Crazy, I know, but it's what I think about. Betcha I'm not alone!~

However, if I don't get up and off my butt right now, I will be one more day away from filling an empty milk jug! I am off...motivated or not, I must get this work out in! Have a great night all!

My Full Circle Moment

It is Sunday evening. The whole day seemed to be about rest and reflection for me. I decided that today I would let my poor body rest. We went to church, took the kids to Viddler's just so they could browse (we are always in a rush and they never get to just look around whenever we are out) & ate an early dinner. It was a nice family day. We bathed the kids early and all settled in to watch a movie together. I guess rest was something 3 out of 5 of us needed more than we knew. I, along with 2 of the children fell asleep during the movie! Usually, I can't sit still for a movie! When the movie was over it was time tuck the kids into bed (at least the older 2) and Jim and I were going to watch The Blind Side together.

Let me just say what a fantastic movie that was. I love movies that move, inspire and teach. They restore my faith in humanity. I cried from the start. And in the end, I learned something about myself.

Life was a bit challenging for me growing up. I am not sure that, to this day, anyone really knows to what extent. It doesn't matter today. As I grew older and more aware of the situation I was in, I wanted to escape it even more. By the time I reached high school, like any teen, I sought independence. I was seeking it for different reasons than most of my friends. I left home one night. I was supposed to be performing for an after school activity and I couldn't get a ride. So I walked. I knew that by the time I got there, it would be too late because it was a long way from my house, but I wanted to be there. School was my safe place; even when I would run away from home, I would still attend school. When I got there I walked up to tell the teacher that I was sorry. He did just what any adult would have done. He grabbed me by the jacket and reprimanded me for doing such stupid thing (walking all that way, in the cold, damp,dark wearing nothing more than a thin jean jacket and not calling someone). He cared. So much so, that when things got so bad and returning home was no longer a healthy option for me, he, his wife and family took me in. I never asked for such a thing. In fact I never had offered much about what was really going on at home and they never pushed to find out. They just cared. As long as I live, I will never know how to properly thank them for what they did.

They weren't the only ones who were there for me in those difficult days. There are a handful of people who are directly responsible for my existence today. I am forever grateful to them all and will never forget the life lessons they taught me. I was a mess and they showed me unconditional love and understanding. It took some time for me to get my bearings and find my way, but I eventually did.

I didn't go on to become a star athlete, I never even went to college (yet!). In time, I learned to trust. I can honestly say , the biggest lesson, that took me forever to believe, was that I deserve to be loved. It may sound so simple, but there are words spoken that cut into your head and heart so deeply, the pain almost never fades and you can't forget. The beautiful part is that one day, I started to listen and believe in the kinder words that were being spoken to me. Suddenly, the grooves from those words past, weren't as deep. - (Tracie, if you are reading this, I want you to know that it is often your voice I hear.) I started to heal. I became a better friend, sister, wife. I became a better mother. If you were to ask me a year or two ago what my biggest fear was. I would have answered, "not being a good mother". Somehow, whether I passed some unknown marker, I don't feel that pressure as greatly as I once did. I still worry about it, but not nearly as bad. I have been taking that as a sign of comfort in who I am. Who I have become.

Granted, it is impossible to say what would have become of me if those wonderful adults; friends hadn't stepped in. But they did. And I am here in a life I love that is full of love and laughter. Maybe this is where my desire to help those in need comes from. Having experienced it first hand. I know what hope is and want others to experience it as well. Small to great acts of kindness that I get to pay forward.

So, in the movie, when Michael was walking, in the rain, about to be picked up by a kind stranger, I was taken back to a time in my life I had been trying so hard to forget. Only to remember how wonderful it all turned out.

When asked by my husband what was so moving, I started to cry. Before I knew it, this little boy, in his footie pajamas, leaped onto my lap and wrapped his arms around me saying, "I love you so much mommy!" Have you ever heard someone sob uncontrollable tears of pure joy? In a flash I remembered those awful times in my life, followed by the kindness I was shown that made such a difference in who I became. I was the mother I hoped I would be. There was pure, unconditional love wrapped around my neck in fuzzy p.j.'s. It was a full circle moment. I couldn't have asked for a better ending.

Dangers of Dieting

Good Morning! It is Saturday and I am happy to have slept in a bit. I am also happy to have my work-out done and out of the way for the day! Today's choice was Vinyasa Flow Yoga with Seane Corn. I have always loved yoga (when I practiced) and asked a friend to recommend a good dvd program since I am unable to depend on leaving the house to attend a live session. This was one I have chosen out of her recommendations. My body feels wonderful, shaky, but wonderful!

Practising yoga in this body, in it's current shape, is interesting. The last time I did yoga, was over a year and a half ago. I was 40lbs lighter. This extra padding I have packed on is proving to make smoothly getting into poses very difficult. I sometimes question whether or not I am getting the benefit out of it and wonder when it will no longer feel foreign to me. If you have never done yoga and think that it can't possibly provide a thorough heart raising work out, you are dead wrong. You sweat and at times want to cry out for mercy as your muscles begin to tremble. What I love about yoga is the way it makes me feel. My body feels stronger and longer. I especially love to do yoga a day or two after an upper or lower body workout. I actually crave it. Because it stretches out all those muscles that feel so sore after a good workout. I also feel that it is a kinder form of workout for your body, on your body.

For me, the transition into a healthier lifestyle doesn't truly begin until I start to work my body. The reason is simple. It is harder to put something unhealthy into my mouth when I know I am working against myself. Also, I find that my body naturally starts to crave foods that are healthier. That could be in my head, but that's fine. Remember, I am not a fan of dieting. My problem is how little I eat in combination with what I finally choose to eat. I can't say that I have ever really been on one. Except once.

A little more than two years ago I was chosen for a weight loss study. I was so excited and thought I was lucky. I was wrong. The participants were placed in groups and were to meet weekly and keep a log. One of those groups would be placed on a powder/liquid diet that consisted of 900 calories a day. 900 CALORIES PER DAY. We were also given pedometers to track our steps each day. We were instructed NOT to exercise, because of our low calorie intake. I was 9 months postpartum (I had to stop nursing to be accepted into the program), 3 children at home and caring for others as well. Making 4 stops at preschools each day, putting 5 kids in the car and taking 5 out at each stop. I was a busy mommy. Did I mention, 900 calories. No exceptions. Boy, did I struggle. They questioned my commitment. I wanted to be healthy and thought this was the answer, so I promised to try harder. But they never, not once questioned why my pedometer was tracking between 7500 - 9700 steps per day when everyone elses were 1500-2000. They also did not take into consideration that I was a young mother, and the others were mostly empty nesters, some of them retired. The people in the group acknowledged this and often asked how I was doing it.

I don't know, looking back, how I did it. I lost about 15 pounds, but it took forever. The others were dropping weight like crazy. It was so frustrating. And then, things started to change. I could no longer think straight. I was forgetful, exhausted, frustrated, and irritable. My sister was getting married during this time and I was planning her shower. I thought I was just overwhelmed, doing too much. I went to my doctor because I wasn't feeling right. I was experiencing frequent palpitations and was often light headed. I told her about the study, she left the room and I could hear her consulting with another doctor. He sounded less than pleased. The problem was, that technically, while in this study, I was under the care of another doctor. My doctor informed me that much of what I was experiencing was the same of her patients with eating disorders (I believe she works in a clinic as well). She went on and very diplomatically told me her feelings on everything. I left feeling somewhat sane, because what I was experiencing was real, but conflicted on what to do. I hate letting anyone down. I felt that if I decided to leave the study, I had failed. So I decided to stay on.

We would be transitioning to a point in the program where small amounts of real food would be introduced into the diet. In the first week of transition, I felt amazing, alive and started to lose. Within two weeks, those familiar bad feelings started to come back again. I wasn't losing anymore either. The study started in May and we were into November. I slowly stopped going to the meetings. Then, I was in the doctors office again. My hair had started to fall out. Thankfully, I have a lot of hair. It was on the shower walls, the pillow, on my clothes. It was falling out and my scalp hurt so badly. I learned that when my scalp hurt, it meant my hair was going to start falling out again. My face broke out terribly. I was a mess. After revealing to the doctor that I was done, finished, by my own choice with the study, she spoke very frankly. She said that while these studies gain wide recognition, they often fail to report the cases gone wrong. That I would fall into the "non-compliant" category . Which was wrong. Because I represent a very large number of people. She was right. She also explained that most, if not all of my symptoms were from a body thinking that it was starving. She was appalled that it was considered at all acceptable for a busy mother of three, 9 months postpartum to even be considered for such thing. She was right, again. I hadn't failed. It was nearly impossible for me to succeed under those conditions. And do you know what happened? I packed on pounds faster than you could believe.

So with the combination of the "Every Monday Diet" that my parents practised and this weight study mess, I have no desire to "diet". I'll eat healthy and nourish my body the way it was meant to be. There will be no dieting in this house!


***I also would like to point out that one of the participants of this study was a pilot. During one of our meetings, he was honest and said that during a flight, he wasn't feeling quite right, so he ate a handful of nuts. He was greatly reprimanded for that. I should have know at that point...GET OUT!

Strength in Challenge

7:44am. I got a solid 21 minutes in on the elliptical , plus some stretching. Now I am sitting here freshly showered and re hydrating before my first cup of coffee. I also weighed myself. 265.6. I am okay with that considering my efforts were less than desirable. I still lost.

You may be wondering what is up with 21 minutes. Well, it was the point where my knees started to ache more than I was comfortable with. I would have loved to get in 30 minutes in, but I know it is something I will have to strengthen my knees for and work up to. It shouldn't take long. I just need to allow more time. Something else about me: I have had three knee surgeries. Two of them took place before I was 17. The last one was in 1998. After that one, they told me that at the rate I was going, I would be looking at a knee replacement by the time I was 40. Just so we are clear, at 17, I weighed 116lbs. So weight wasn't the culprit at that point. Although I know that it greatly contributes now. I can't remember the name of what I was diagnosed with, but every so often they have to go in and clean out bone fragments.

For as long as I can remember, I have had knee pain. I can't sit in a position for too long before they start to ache. At night, while lying in bed, often they ache so badly I can't keep my legs still. Kneeling is a painful task and so is squatting. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that by merely watching someone run or jog, I hurt, bad. At one point, I was told that walking (for exercise) probably wasn't the best option for me. So we bought an elliptical machine. It was costly because I had to be sure that it was NO impact, as opposed to the LOW that surprisingly, many of them are. I realize that this is a machine many would be jealous to have in their possession and I need to make better use of it.

So, yes, I do have this issue that can make this weight loss endeavor a bit more difficult. It means that I may have to work a bit slower, more cautiously and a bit harder. I have to be more creative. I also have to remind myself that I am blessed. There are others out there who would give their last breath to walk on their own legs. Whether the loss or limits on their bodies was at birth or by some unfortunate accident or disease, it doesn't matter. Day in and day out, there are others like this that put me to shame with much less by doing so much more with what they have been handed. The inspirational stories are all around us. There are men, woman and children who overcome life's challenges with such strength and determination. I know I am more than capable of doing this also. And should expect nothing less of myself. I just have to remember while I am struggling to get through the last 10 minutes of a workout, there is someone out there struggling to just stand for 10 seconds. Hopefully, that individual will succeed with much effort. I will pray for them and find my strength in the respect I have for those struggling greater than I am in that moment. In turn, I'll respect myself a little more too. I hope that came across the way wanted it to. We all need to stop taking for granted what we have been given in life.

It is a week and one day after my first posting. I feel wonderful. Connected. Liberated. I feel like I have a least another week in me! I'd like to once again thank those of you for your comments and support. I love reading what you have to say and it's wonderful to know that I am not alone. Now you know you aren't alone either. That's more than I could ask for. Have a great day!

Success!

Yes! A major hurtle today! It is 11am and I have finished working out for the day! I almost gave into the laundry, dishes and anything else that I have to accomplish daily. And guess what? All the dishes and laundry are still there waiting for me. They are always waiting for me. They are, perhaps, more loyal than my puppies.

I could not sit here and write about another inevitable obstacle. I already established that we are busy. The focus remains on how to deal with obstacles as they arise. I already informed the hubby last night that he was gonna have to deal with the yard work this year (I usually do it because I feel I am at home and should) on his own. I simply told him that he can have himself a real nice piece of arm candy and so much more, if only I could find more time for myself.

Time. Something so precious and taken for granted. I can't help but sit here and wonder how many things in life I have missed out on because I was so uncomfortable in my own body. Too tired, too embarrassed. It's not like I sat in a corner. I had fun ( I am the first one to poke fun at my own short comings. Just to put them out there.). But I did limit myself. I actually took, stole, time from myself by not giving it to myself to begin with. Ironic. There were times I found myself making excuses not to go somewhere just because the thought of having to dress this mess and make it look good was too much. Often too depressing as well.

I have never been considered ugly, by any means. I am still told that I am beautiful. Yeah, yeah...I know, I've got great eyes too. I've heard it enough to know that there must be some truth to it. But, oh the ugly fat. I know my husband loves me, no matter what, and my children too. But it is so unbelievably hard to understand that under all this guilt and disgust. The way I look, the weight, is something that is on my mind ALL THE TIME! It never leaves my side. I guess you could say those thoughts are as loyal as my laundry and dishes! It is forever nagging me, reminding me of how imperfect I am, how I have failed myself. How my husband deserves better, my children and of course myself. The let downs, the underwear I wish I could wear again, but won't. Simply because I think you just shouldn't after a certain weight and of course, they could get lost! There is just not enough material! Seriously though, it is a hard reality to have on your mind all day, every day. I know that everybody has something imperfect about themselves, but big, fat, overweight, obese, or whatever you want to call us people wear it every day, for everyone to see. There is no hiding it. It is not something we can battle privately without the world knowing about it. Which is what can make taking on that battle such a daunting task. If we aren't successful, everybody knows and we have to deal with, not only failing ourselves, but everyone knowing we failed.

This is why this blog is important to me. I have been fortunate in my life to know what being thin was without worry and now, for sometime I have known fat. I think it is important to acknowledge how it is that I got here and to share it with you honestly. I know how scary it can be to hold so much in. How alone it can be. As much as I want peace for myself, I want it for everyone struggling as well. Time is precious and we should all enjoy it while we can, because we can. So, go and enjoy~

Lessons From Within

I have been sitting here struggling to get the first sentence of this latest post down. I know why I am struggling. It's because I have to admit, once again that I haven't accomplished much. I thought about not writing at all, but that would be hiding from the facts. I don't hide. In fairness to myself and those I am able to reach out to, I have to say it like it is. Because, as so many of you have let me know, I am not alone. And you are reading this, so you want to know. The good and the bad.

Today was one of those days where having a plan would have benefited me greatly. We had an appointment at 10am. About an hour away. We knew we were taking 4 children with us (3 & under) and were to get 3 children on the bus, wait for the others to arrive and leave. What I did not anticipate was that the children we needed to get here in order for us to leave, would be dropped off later than usual. This made us about 45 min late for our appointment. Which, in turn, royally messed with the rest of our day.

So, no exercise, not enough water or food. But, guess what? The kids all had milk, granola bars as well as other snacks to keep them satisfied and happy. Funny, huh? I was so focused on making sure we could get through this appointment with 4 small happy children, that I forgot, again, about what I would need.

Okay, but there is some good news. I learned some things. Our long ride gave my husband and I a chance to *Gasp!* talk! We talked about this blog and my plans, disappointments, etc. He pointed out that my (weight loss) success would greatly depend on preparation for several days ahead, instead of just one. Because we are simply too busy. He's right. It's like I have been setting myself up for failure without realizing it. I have to plan more than one day ahead of time. Also, I can not expect myself to work-out in the evening hours. There are just too many activities, homework, dinner...you know. I am just too tired at the end of the day right now making it easier to not do it.

I am sure some of this may seem so simple and obvious. You have to realize, it took me months...MONTHS to remember to take a daily pill, everyday. It was anti-anxiety medication. Trust me when I tell you, that is NOT the pill to randomly take when you remember! The wonderful thing is that I am a creature of habit. Once I have established a routine, I rarely stray from it. Because then I can't sleep (thanks to OCD). So if I can just get past the first few weeks, even, to establish a new, healthier routine. Then I'll let that good old OCD kick in. Sometimes (being Catholic), I like to call it Obsessive Catholic Disorder. Either way you look at it, there is great guilt: I know I locked that door. Did I lock that door? Yes! You locked that door! Are you sure you shouldn't check one more time? NO! I think I locked that door. Just in case you were wondering...I ALWAYS get up and check the door or whatever gets stuck in the loop in my head! The point is that I should be able to set a routine and if I can stick to it in the short run, it should stick for the long haul, as well.

I know that on the scale, I haven't made any progress as of yet. But that's alright for me. In the past 5 days, I have learned so much that I know I am paving a successful path for myself. This is not about trying to lose weight for a special occasion that comes once on the calendar and passes. This is a lifetime commitment for me. For ME. Not the dress, the wedding, reunion, vacation, etc. I am learning that in order to make this journey, I have to be willing to examine, work hard and be honest, to myself. My friends will tell you that I am an honest person. I have been lying to myself for a long time. No more.

Posting my weight was such a release. But, that can't be enough. I have to keep going and facing these obstacles, head on. I also need to learn from them. What they mean to me, why they are there and how much more power I am willing to give them. I am learning that an obstacle gains it's power and intimidation from the excuses we lay before them each time we turn and walk away in their presence. I am done feeding the obstacle machine. I have stomped on, run through and cleared so many larger obstacles in my life. I can do this!

Failure before the Start

Alright, so here I am. Day #4. Trying to figure out where to go from here. Yesterday was full of faulty nutrition. Crap. My "Beautiful Sunny Saturday" quickly turned into a day of running around in search of remedies for our latest infestation here. And I dared to celebrate our first week since October being antibiotic free. Right.

So what happened? I enjoyed a nice pancake breakfast with the family, cup of coffee, a sweet little blog...and then! Call a sitter, gather a list, get myself together. Scramble, scramble, scramble!!! The smell of popcorn at Target got to me. Oreo's in the cart. Paid for my goods and headed straight for the bread sticks at the cafe. Okay, so there was a pizza and pop too. WHY?

I have been forced to examine this. One answer. Poor planning. Just as I grab for my keys and run out the door, I need to grab an apple and maybe keep some granola or healthy nuts in the car. Something, anything to help curb those temptations. Son of a duck! How could I let this happen? Just for the record, I did not finish the pizza or pop. I think that counts for something. Can't believe I grabbed the pop either. I am usually pretty good about grabbing the lemonade. Where was my head? I know where it was. Everywhere but on me and my newest goals.

If there is anything I have learned about life in our house, it is expect anything and nothing at the same time. What does that mean? Life happens and I think our house sits in the median of life's highway. You just never know. I am a planner. I am prepared for everything. I keep a phone book in my car. I have to learn to plan and prepare for myself. I matter. I have to say to myself, "What if we are out and I feel hungry?". Clearly, the phone book, jumper cables, first aid kit, diapers and wipes are not a nutritious nor desirable option here. So, I must plan and prepare.

This is going to be a challenge for me. I am not sure I ever developed the habit of thinking about myself in a healthy way. There was a lot expected of me at a very young age with very little to no reward. Looking back, I now realize that I am repeating what I learned. Work, work work & expect nothing. As a result, I think I have learned to expect nothing of myself, for myself. If that makes any sense. I need to break that cycle. Once again, I matter!

I also have an issue with the word "diet". Growing up, a diet started every Monday. Binging often started Monday evening. Weekends were full of trips to the store for junk food. On Monday, the dieting started again. This was the way my parents dieted. Turning me off to the whole diet thing altogether. Until my early 20's, dieting was something I really did not have to concern myself with. I weighed, at my heaviest, 127#. I always swore I would never go beyond 130lbs. 130....what I would give for 230! For now, my number is 266.4.

So a personal nutritionist/chef is not an option. I guess we can cross personal trainer off the list as well. There is no room in the budget for these things. This is where my creative skills are going to have to kick in. Much to my delight, a friend contacted me today to start a daily exercise challenge. Thirty minutes of continuous activity per day and we are to hold each other accountable for this. Perfect. I know that I will have to play with the time of day that works best for me. For now, instead of nailing down the perfect menu, I have decided to make small changes. Plenty of water, fruits & veggies must be included in my daily food intake.

So, things didn't go as planned this weekend. But here it is Sunday evening and I am still determined to make it work. It wasn't a complete failure. Many of you have reached out to me with such fantastic words of encouragement. How can I let you down by letting myself down?

Misconceptions

Good beautiful sunny Saturday morning! What a week this has been. Last week, I would have never imagined I'd be doing this, blog thing. But here I am. Post # 3. I am not certain how often I will post. I am also uncertain about how often I will post my weight. I am thinking once a week. I do however suffer from a bit of OCD and will most likely weigh myself every day once I get rolling. Get rolling is what I intend to work on and solidify this weekend and coming week.

What I think I'd like to address today is the perception that overweight people are lazy and sit around for the most part eating. To those ill informed I say this, follow me around for a day. I am quite positive you will change your mind. We do not all frequent fast food chains, eat whole bags of chips or cookies in a sitting. We do not eat perfectly either. You'd be surprised to find out how often I actually eat, most days (once) and surprised once more when you see how quickly and with how little I find myself full. We are guilty of neglect, to our bodies and our spirits. We fail to nourish our bodies in the way they were meant to be nourished. And often, we give so much of ourselves without thinking twice about when the last time it was that we actually stopped to take care of ourselves.

In my case, I am a wife, mommy, sister, granddaughter, friend and child care provider and so much more. I volunteer my time at our local fire hall as VP for the Ladies Auxiliary. My house is constantly full and the door opens and closes many times in a day. I do not have much time, at all, for myself. I love my life. I love what I have made of it. I am just not sure that I love what has become of me.

Me. I am fun, loving, loyal and caring, sometimes, too caring. I want everyone to be happy and will bend over backwards to ensure that they are. I am determined. If I want it to happen or get done, I will make it happen. I am creative. I am passionate and emotional. I am proud to be emotional. It means that I feel. There is nothing wrong with that . It means that I am human. And until recently, I could never say, "no".

That is just part of who I am. I also have many struggles. I believe that we are never handed more than we can handle. Somebody thinks I am very strong! When things get tough, I try to think that there is someone out there dealing with much worse and I pray for them. While I am proud, at times of what I have overcome and the person I am, I struggle with the question of why. Not why me, just why. I will never understand. But I can stand, strong and determined. I will not be bitter. Life is too short and glorious for bitterness. I try to forgive but my head and heart can't forget. My struggle now will be convincing myself that I AM worth the effort, my effort. Maybe there are others who didn't or don't think so. Too bad. Because there MANY others that do. For that, I am truly blessed. And in that I will find success.

Fortunately, I have already started paving my path to success. As I said above, I have learned to say no. Now, I never said I don't feel guilty, but I am willing to bet that the guilt I carry over things like that weighs quite a bit! I'll have to shed that real quick! Saying no is a small step, but it is a start. Next I will have to really work on carving out time for some exercise.

About a month ago, I got some great advise from a amazing athlete. She told me to be sure to get at least 2 fruits and 2 veggies in each day (or maybe it was 3?). I was able to follow that for a couple weeks, and then...everybody in my house got sick and I fell off the wagon! But I think it made a huge difference. So I am going to start implementing that again. I am also going to up my daily water intake.

So, saying no without guilt, drinking more water, getting my fruits and veggies in and at least 10 minutes per day of cardio. And yoga! I LOVE yoga. I think those will be my goals for the week. What are yours????

266.4

Yep. That's me. Pre-coffee & post first morning pee. I woke up, went into the bathroom, dragged out the scale, dusted it off (yes, I had to DUST IT OFF!), took a deep breath and stepped on. 266.4. This is what I weigh. No more denial, no more eluding to friends that I weight quite a bit. It's out there. I will not have to stand there when I run into someone and wonder if they are trying to figure out exactly how fat I am. I told you, no more secrets. This is my biggest one. Recently while in the hospital, you know they ask you your weight, right there, in the open. I made my husband leave the room. Several times. You know, because asking a fat person once isn't humiliating enough. I get it. 266.4. It's "out there" and I've just taken away it's power.

Now, if you are reading this and find yourself disgusted, I don't care. Especially if you are a SBWA (Skinny Bitch With Attitude). I don't have time for you. Don't get me wrong, I do not look at smaller sized people with dislike, unless, of course, you are a SBWA. You see, I feel sorry for you. Because to make myself understand how you could be so, well, cruel, I tell myself that you have bad feet or some serious hoochie issues irritating you so badly that you forget you are human too. I'm just sayin'.

I do, however, have time for my wonderful, beautiful and amazing friends. After reading my very first blog post, several of you responded with such supportive and understanding words. As I opened my email, each message, left tears. AWK, yours came first, and I had to walk away after the first few words. And each one after had the same effect. Some of you, I have known for years, others are newly formed friendships. I am awesome at choosing friends! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how you have touched my heart and soul. I also want to thank my husband, for suggesting I do such a thing! Although I don't think he figured on my starting with this topic. But he has long thought this would be perfect for me. Miss Mishelle, a heartfelt thanks to you as well for planting the seed and being so helpful. Yes, lets do this together :)

This is perfect for me. I love to help people. I know that I can help so many in this way. Even if just reading my thoughts gives them the feeling that they are not alone. Just as some feelings have great power when expressed, other feelings prove to be very powerful when not expressed. Disgust. Hold that one in for a bit and you are sure to break down, disrespect and self destruct. I hope to motivate and inspire. I also hope to find support and motivation for myself when I need it. I know this will be tough. BUT I'M TOUGHER!!! Grrrrr!!!!!!!!

266.4. That's me....

The Epiphany

I can't believe I am doing this (blogging). But I have to because the other day I experienced an epiphany. While at the shoe store the other day, I saw this girl helping her toddler son try on a pair of shoes. She was big. She was me. It was a mirror across from where I stood. Inside, I was mortified. Who is that? What happened? More importantly, how could I let that happen?

Now I could go on with a list of explanations, excuses, medical issues, etc. But, in the end, it's (I can't believe, I am going to say this) a loss. A loss of control. Control. Something I pride myself on. Or should I say burden myself with. What a joke.

So, in the car on this beautiful sunny day, my head started to spin. Thinking about what this FAT really means to me. About the perception that overweight people are hiding something in all that jiggles. I am not hiding, I am lost. So lost that I no longer recognize this person in the mirror. Why? Because I stopped looking, stopped acknowledging what was happening. However, because you don't look, doesn't mean you don't feel. I know what it feels like to walk in a room and wonder where you can sit most comfortably, not to mention wondering if you'll break the chair. Just trying to figure out what to wear (although, I realize this is tough for most women) can be so stressful. Pictures? Ha! There is no hiding from a camera. Fat is fat. It hurts. I love this warm spring weather, but the thought of having to wear short sleeves, shorts, etc. gives me anxiety. Real anxiety.

Putting it out there. That's what I am doing, what I will continue to do. I am going to find health in the truth. For as long as I can remember, secrets are what ruled my life. Nothing good can come in the silence of the secrets I have held. A month ago I wrote a letter. It was to a friend who was struggling. When I say this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, please understand, it is NOT an expression, I mean it. I had to write, on paper, things that I experienced as a child, teen and adult. It was raw for me. IT WAS ON PAPER!!! Never to be taken back. It was out there. But, I had to do it. It was for the safety of a child. "It" was only a portion of my experiences and "it" shook me. And then it empowered me. It forced me to take a look at all the good I had accomplished despite my story.

A long time ago, I decided that I was not going to let what happened to me define me. I was not going to be labeled and was not willing to label myself. So quiet, I kept. What I didn't realize is that it did define me. In wonderful ways. In conquering ways. I am strong. I acknowledge what I have overcome, what I have faced and still face today. I will not give these acts strength in talking about them. I will give myself strength in knowing I overcame them.

Just as writing that letter set me free in some ways, I hope to let my blog on this new journey do the same. I intend to put all my struggles with this weight battle out there. In hopes of lending support as well as finding it. I know I am not alone. These feelings I have, of being overweight can't be kept a secret any longer. Because, in the end these fat secrets I've been keeping, could kill me. THIS is something I CAN control. This body is a gift, that gave birth to 3 beautiful gifts. How can I disrespect it any longer? Wish me luck!