Failure before the Start

Alright, so here I am. Day #4. Trying to figure out where to go from here. Yesterday was full of faulty nutrition. Crap. My "Beautiful Sunny Saturday" quickly turned into a day of running around in search of remedies for our latest infestation here. And I dared to celebrate our first week since October being antibiotic free. Right.

So what happened? I enjoyed a nice pancake breakfast with the family, cup of coffee, a sweet little blog...and then! Call a sitter, gather a list, get myself together. Scramble, scramble, scramble!!! The smell of popcorn at Target got to me. Oreo's in the cart. Paid for my goods and headed straight for the bread sticks at the cafe. Okay, so there was a pizza and pop too. WHY?

I have been forced to examine this. One answer. Poor planning. Just as I grab for my keys and run out the door, I need to grab an apple and maybe keep some granola or healthy nuts in the car. Something, anything to help curb those temptations. Son of a duck! How could I let this happen? Just for the record, I did not finish the pizza or pop. I think that counts for something. Can't believe I grabbed the pop either. I am usually pretty good about grabbing the lemonade. Where was my head? I know where it was. Everywhere but on me and my newest goals.

If there is anything I have learned about life in our house, it is expect anything and nothing at the same time. What does that mean? Life happens and I think our house sits in the median of life's highway. You just never know. I am a planner. I am prepared for everything. I keep a phone book in my car. I have to learn to plan and prepare for myself. I matter. I have to say to myself, "What if we are out and I feel hungry?". Clearly, the phone book, jumper cables, first aid kit, diapers and wipes are not a nutritious nor desirable option here. So, I must plan and prepare.

This is going to be a challenge for me. I am not sure I ever developed the habit of thinking about myself in a healthy way. There was a lot expected of me at a very young age with very little to no reward. Looking back, I now realize that I am repeating what I learned. Work, work work & expect nothing. As a result, I think I have learned to expect nothing of myself, for myself. If that makes any sense. I need to break that cycle. Once again, I matter!

I also have an issue with the word "diet". Growing up, a diet started every Monday. Binging often started Monday evening. Weekends were full of trips to the store for junk food. On Monday, the dieting started again. This was the way my parents dieted. Turning me off to the whole diet thing altogether. Until my early 20's, dieting was something I really did not have to concern myself with. I weighed, at my heaviest, 127#. I always swore I would never go beyond 130lbs. 130....what I would give for 230! For now, my number is 266.4.

So a personal nutritionist/chef is not an option. I guess we can cross personal trainer off the list as well. There is no room in the budget for these things. This is where my creative skills are going to have to kick in. Much to my delight, a friend contacted me today to start a daily exercise challenge. Thirty minutes of continuous activity per day and we are to hold each other accountable for this. Perfect. I know that I will have to play with the time of day that works best for me. For now, instead of nailing down the perfect menu, I have decided to make small changes. Plenty of water, fruits & veggies must be included in my daily food intake.

So, things didn't go as planned this weekend. But here it is Sunday evening and I am still determined to make it work. It wasn't a complete failure. Many of you have reached out to me with such fantastic words of encouragement. How can I let you down by letting myself down?